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When the deal of your life stops to be deal of your life....
2 years ago
General
Hi guys, its been a long time I no write here about the deals. So here it is – it will be important post about my music, commissions and future about it.
I think maybe 2 or 3 month about how should I tell it to you and this night I think I should do it.
When I was a teen I was think that in that life im gonna do money with my art and music, no matter how but i'll do. And now I realize – I dont want to do it anymore. I dont want to do music anymore, no matter – my music, or commissioned music. I dont want to draw. Dont want to sing, dont want to play, dont want to mix or master, im out.
Since I start to do musical commissions at 2019 deals was great but now I see – further I go – worse it became. At first I was so happy about first money, and now... All I do is never enough for me to live at least normal, all efforts dont costs itself. Now I feel cold to my music, to composing, to draw.
I used to think it was a simple burn out and it simply will go, think I just need to rest from my deal sometime. And I do, and I done, dozens of time. It wont help to me, with every rest I understood more clear – I start to like do music less and less. Every rest longing my deadlines, and now what we have? Some of you still wait years for their themes. And I, that with every day fell only shame bout it and when I finish another order I feel only devastation. I've used to joy make music for myself, for you, i'd feel joy a lot when you liked what I done for you. And now... What now?
Thats gonna sounds strange but now I dont have enough money to continue to do my musical job. Sometimes I donth have enough money to buy just a food and when I realize it on cash register I feel so fucking ashamed to tell a cashier that “oh sorry I forgot my wallet” or other shit and walk away empty so fucking shamed and angry.
Commission music was only deal that brings me a money, but now its so not enough even for I continue to do it. My efforts, well fuck my efforts. I dont want to open new slots, cause I had too much not finished old ones, but with such pain when I step on the line – I open new ones. I dont, I fucking dont want to but that all is need of money.
In my nature I prefer to work in comfort, fine and refine every little thing and my work to do a real masterpiece. Always – I want to do a great things, a things I(and you) can be proud, I will never prefer quantity to quality. I like to do unique, beautiful masterpiece things and wont accept to do bad works and its pain in my spine.
What do I mean when I talkd bout “I dont have enough money to continue to do my musical job”?
The tasks are become more difficult and I need a gear that would correspond and complement my skill. At first when I worked on my enthusiasm I used to can afford it... No more. Thats sad.
I cant rise up the price – customers starts to go away. I cant took more orders – I drown, and continue to drown in them.
Someone asked me “If you dont have enough powers and wish to do your job, why do you continue to take new slots?”. What else I could do?
I foreigner in country where I do live now. I cant have a legal job cause no chief want to do a lot of bureaucracy only to take one foreigner employee on job officially, its dozens times easy to take someone local. And I had a lot of unofficial jobs, and I get dozens of time fooled – not fully payed or no paid at all. I tired of it.
I need to find new ways, new deal cause I sick absolutely of skills I can do. 9 years music was my life, I loved it, I lived it and now its gone, only routine was left. I feel terrified about it – I lost a love and interest to deal, that was deal of my life. It was my best friend, almost my twin – now I feel so alone. I feel terrified to agree with it, but I must face it – no choice here.
I dont know whats next. All I can do now is wait. Wait till my customer paid me when he able to so I could pay tax and buy food, wait till next month – it will be my birthday, maybe some of my friends will gift me a bit of money. Dunno.
Anyone who wait a commission from me – don't worry, i'll finish them anyway, and they will be a brilliant masterpieces, as always I done. I just need bit of time.(And bit of food, place where to sleep, strings what to play... but thats not your care, right?)
Anyway, If you somewhy like to help me you could do it here – at my boosty(see donations, goals):
https://boosty.to/liththeethereal
Also here you can hear my own unpublished tracks.
You can share this post, it could be helpful to.
Its way more chances I do some masterpiece if I dont be hungry, right?
Feel free to leave your kind comments or blame me here, sure.
And dont be surprised if i'll open new slots again.
I think maybe 2 or 3 month about how should I tell it to you and this night I think I should do it.
When I was a teen I was think that in that life im gonna do money with my art and music, no matter how but i'll do. And now I realize – I dont want to do it anymore. I dont want to do music anymore, no matter – my music, or commissioned music. I dont want to draw. Dont want to sing, dont want to play, dont want to mix or master, im out.
Since I start to do musical commissions at 2019 deals was great but now I see – further I go – worse it became. At first I was so happy about first money, and now... All I do is never enough for me to live at least normal, all efforts dont costs itself. Now I feel cold to my music, to composing, to draw.
I used to think it was a simple burn out and it simply will go, think I just need to rest from my deal sometime. And I do, and I done, dozens of time. It wont help to me, with every rest I understood more clear – I start to like do music less and less. Every rest longing my deadlines, and now what we have? Some of you still wait years for their themes. And I, that with every day fell only shame bout it and when I finish another order I feel only devastation. I've used to joy make music for myself, for you, i'd feel joy a lot when you liked what I done for you. And now... What now?
Thats gonna sounds strange but now I dont have enough money to continue to do my musical job. Sometimes I donth have enough money to buy just a food and when I realize it on cash register I feel so fucking ashamed to tell a cashier that “oh sorry I forgot my wallet” or other shit and walk away empty so fucking shamed and angry.
Commission music was only deal that brings me a money, but now its so not enough even for I continue to do it. My efforts, well fuck my efforts. I dont want to open new slots, cause I had too much not finished old ones, but with such pain when I step on the line – I open new ones. I dont, I fucking dont want to but that all is need of money.
In my nature I prefer to work in comfort, fine and refine every little thing and my work to do a real masterpiece. Always – I want to do a great things, a things I(and you) can be proud, I will never prefer quantity to quality. I like to do unique, beautiful masterpiece things and wont accept to do bad works and its pain in my spine.
What do I mean when I talkd bout “I dont have enough money to continue to do my musical job”?
The tasks are become more difficult and I need a gear that would correspond and complement my skill. At first when I worked on my enthusiasm I used to can afford it... No more. Thats sad.
I cant rise up the price – customers starts to go away. I cant took more orders – I drown, and continue to drown in them.
Someone asked me “If you dont have enough powers and wish to do your job, why do you continue to take new slots?”. What else I could do?
I foreigner in country where I do live now. I cant have a legal job cause no chief want to do a lot of bureaucracy only to take one foreigner employee on job officially, its dozens times easy to take someone local. And I had a lot of unofficial jobs, and I get dozens of time fooled – not fully payed or no paid at all. I tired of it.
I need to find new ways, new deal cause I sick absolutely of skills I can do. 9 years music was my life, I loved it, I lived it and now its gone, only routine was left. I feel terrified about it – I lost a love and interest to deal, that was deal of my life. It was my best friend, almost my twin – now I feel so alone. I feel terrified to agree with it, but I must face it – no choice here.
I dont know whats next. All I can do now is wait. Wait till my customer paid me when he able to so I could pay tax and buy food, wait till next month – it will be my birthday, maybe some of my friends will gift me a bit of money. Dunno.
Anyone who wait a commission from me – don't worry, i'll finish them anyway, and they will be a brilliant masterpieces, as always I done. I just need bit of time.(And bit of food, place where to sleep, strings what to play... but thats not your care, right?)
Anyway, If you somewhy like to help me you could do it here – at my boosty(see donations, goals):
https://boosty.to/liththeethereal
Also here you can hear my own unpublished tracks.
You can share this post, it could be helpful to.
Its way more chances I do some masterpiece if I dont be hungry, right?
Feel free to leave your kind comments or blame me here, sure.
And dont be surprised if i'll open new slots again.
It is a good idea to keep searching for a a different job or some way to make money from another avenue; sometimes the only cure is distance. It is hard to love something when you have to do it to survive. I hope you can come to love music again.
Yep, im constantly in search of any job where i get honestly paid and what my health can afford.
I too am a foreigner in the country where I live, I have no way to get hired and do not qualify for any assistance. We live a hard life, and it's not fair to sacrifice weeks of our only happiness just to make something for someone who cares about it for 3 seconds in exchange for scraps of food, and then forgets you ever made it.
I hope you find a way to survive and I'm sorry that this ''job that feels good'' has been a lie for both of us. :( In order to have a ''job that feels good'' you have to already be privileged it seems.
Stay tough, I will be thinking of you whether you like it or not
It ain't easy finding a job someone really likes that can pay for all life's bills, and I do hope you find something stable in the near future