Oh gee. Situations like these are always so stressful to hear and read about. I hope the best for you in the future Xylem ^_^

yeah it sucks, I dunno for years I was mad at them and didn't even really WANT to talk to them which makes it ironic that I feel weirdly sad now that they won't talk to me now. I've kind of changed in some ways, and it really helped when I let the grudge go and just let it flow to them about how fucked up I was mentally when we separated and how sorry I was for that, that went very well IMO. I guess I was just asking for too much after that point when I returned wanting to deal with more than just that.

I'm glad the good parts went good at least!

it definitely could have gone worse... I'm here if u ever wanna talk about it further, or if you just wanna talk in general. (✿◡‿◡)

I appreciate that, sometimes we just get hyper-fixed on certain people we don't want to give up that we forget about all the other people willing to support you.

I feel that entirely, I've got ***lots*** of experiences like that, unfortunately... So I can relate (╯▽╰ );;

I have one of these situations also with an artist I worked with often. But making this kind of journal failed, because he blocked me on literally everything we shared. I really, really hope it works out for the best for you.

well they said they were blocking me, and they did lol. can't get much worse than that At least they wrote me an actual decent farewell message of sorts and explained themselves to an extent. It sucks in particular because the reason I messaged them today was to go above and beyond what I had already resolved with them and clean up more lingering issues. I think part of the message rubbed them the wrong way as I unintentionally projected my own trappings onto the person I was trying to reach and apologize to by proxy (it was their roommate of sorts I always used to fight with, they already blocked me and I had no idea, so I wanted to reach out and resolve things with them too)

I kind of understand their position. while it was really helping me out to deal with my own problems to talk things out with them, it seemed they really didn't want to get tangled up in the past and it was just too much hassle to juggle that with their other problems. While you kind of hope people you may have burned on some level will reconnect with you to some extent on a journey of self-discovery and redemption, it's a big ask. While I am saddened, I am grateful the prior exchanges went off as good as they did.

Hey, could be worse than having the time you did. The only time I ever showed a moment of vulnerability to an artist I wasn't friends with they sent me a tirade of mocking insults and blocked me before getting a single response.

oof yeah was nothing like that at all, in fact it seemed like they still felt a degree of empathy for me because they gave me a pretty solid response and explanation, but didn't think it was good idea to keep expending the effort. I can't really blame them, I'm the one who needed to change and reached out to them, they've been pretty stable and consistent all things considered.

That's good. I may not be an artist myself, but I'm always around to talk to people, and you do seem pretty cool.

thanks, I appreciate that!

One thing I can relate to, it's trying to bury the hatchet with someone who refuses to let go of the past and show willingness to believe me when I say that I'm not that person anymore from way back when. Sadly, some people just cling to their grudges too tightly, unwilling to ever let go of it. Whoever this person is, I'm guessing he's one of those persons.

Nah it’s not nearly that bad. I think they had some valid criticisms of me I only recently started to acknowledge. As much as they don’t owe me any sort of support, I was kind of hoping as I changed we could still be in contact? It just feels bad when you’re trying to get out your comfort zone and do the right thing and things go south like this though. I don’t think they even reject that I am changing, they just don’t think it’s worth their time to engage with me, and they were not nasty or anything. I guess I need to respect their decision though I still hope they read this at some point.

Like the way it came off was “look I am glad you’re trying to be better, but I don’t want to juggle my problems and yours at the same time” which I guess is fair since there wasn’t any possibility for reciprocity, they never came by asking me for advice or wanting to patch things up, it was entirely one sided 🤣

I see what you mean. I still think it was a dick move for him to block you like that.

I don't hold a grudge, that was the whole point of talking to them recently was to give that up. I held way too many grudges and resentments in my life and it was not helping me, and also prevented me from doing any self examination. Regrets a plenty though...there's no getting around it, there are hundreds of pages of grade-A content whose potential will be never be realized, lost to both me and everyone watching my gallery, pointlessly sacrificed to the void of interpersonal turmoil; that has been true for awhile, but getting shut out entirely makes that old wound a bit raw again.

the second to last time I spoke with them recently they said something that resonated with me about the fragility of nice things; it's really important to protect them, and maybe have some empathy to other people trying to do the same even if you don't agree. TBH in my hubris close to 7 years ago I took their support for granted, just...assumed they were on my side through and through, I was a good client, considered us "friends" of sorts (though they did kept clients at arms length TBH), I had no respect for how tenuous and fragile a relationship like that could be and kept chipping away at it despite warnings about my behavior. I was not in the least bit worried, in the throes of my massive Ego I thought they would always come around to favor me because I was just that special! I mean, there was some uniqueness about how we combined our efforts, but did I really think they'd pick me over what I later learned to be their best friend and roomate?? Jesus Christ I was oblivious 🤣 if I was a little less self absorbed I could have read between the lines a little.

I should just let it go, they were just making wank fodder meant to be consumed and forgotten for money right? I can get someone else to do it for me right? no one's going to care in 100 years, especially with AI potentially making 99% of artists redundant? But it was important to me damn it! I guess even interacting with them still made me feel special in a weird way? I think they might have been the first person I ever successfully commissioned (there were others but the results went rather poorly); so it's been like a chunk has been ripped out of my heart ever since I was pushed away those years past.

man that got emotional fast, I'm kind of glad I got some of that off my chest. sometimes you don't realize certain things until you type them out. like I think beyond their unique skillset at what they've done for me prior I have a strong sense of nostalgia for better times when I think of this artist. When I first reached them I was still in college and still felt like I had so much potential, and now that things have played out and I've accomplished so few of my lofty goals they still stand out as a bright spot where it felt the possibilities were endless in the hubris of my youth. I try to play it off, try to replace them, but I just miss them so goddamn much and it still hurts me after all this time. TBH I've been really stressed lately about some challenges I'm preparing to take on IRL to improve my life, There is something to be said about appreciating the hillarious irony of waxxing poetic about a porn artist, when my anxiety is so through the fucking roof I can't really even get off 🤣

I understand where you're coming from. We've both done things in the past that we regret. And hubris tends to play a significant factor in that. When it comes to an artist who shuts you out...or rather me, in this case, the only thing you can do at that point is let him or her go and move forward. But I'm sure you know that already. lol

Anyway, thank you for sharing with me. I do hope you'll be able to indeed move forward and make it so you're less stressed. ^_^

An unfortunate situation. I absolutely agree with his point #3. You will never feel okay with things regardless of what he says if you don't forget yourself. And when you do forgive yourself, his forgiveness will feel better because it's comforting to know that HE is in a better place, but isn't strictly necessary for you to hear.

yeah, I know I stay pretty buttoned up on here (partly because I'd hate repeating this situation) but I had a tendency to lash out due to perhaps some subconscious self-loathing/denial or whatever, and judge people pretty harshly. I guess while I still have a hard time coming to terms with my own failings or even forgiving myself for them, I can start by being at least a little less judgemental of everyone around me? I mean I still enjoy banter and stuff on some level, but I think it's usually pretty clear when you're making a joke and when you're tearing down people to feel better about yourself; you don't even make the connection sometimes, you just fall into the habits that make you feel better :/