Ok it's been a while since I just looked at life and not just business. I've got the website up and running again, now it is time to do a little focusing on my health.

I've been doing a lot of contemplating recently. I am in a lot of pain physically, mentally I have never been too stable but some of those dark thought have been creeping back with the physical pain and I don't like that. I've also realized that a bunch of my problems both physical and mental are due to my rising weight. I am having another spinal issue, this will be number 4, and I don't see them stopping unless I do something about my weight. I can barely walk due to my legs feeling like they will collapse and when I do walk it is not very far before I start wheezing and I don't like the wheezing, another sign of a problem. I can't even sit long due to the pain in my thighs caused by the nerve in my lower spine being compressed. and I can't even sleep without a leg wedge, if I try to sleep flat on my back I am up all night in intense pain.

I have made the tough decision to have bariatric surgery. I have never liked the idea before because food is one of the very few things that make me happy and I know I will have to give up a lot once this is done. But I have also come to realize I won't have any food if this kills me or how much misery I will have if I can no longer walk and have this constant pain. I've seen a lot of journals from others about problems and all of us seem to have to have literally needed to have had some kind of wake up call before we actually act. I'm having mine now, pain is a wonderful motivator. So after this to lose weight ( and probably spine operation number 4 since damage is already done) I am hoping my mental state improves also.

I do have a lot to keep me busy in taking care of my house, taking care of 2 cats and an 81 year old mother (who does a lot better than most any other 81 year old even after just having a kidney taken out, thank god she can still do most everything by herself yet). This along with running a website that is badly in need of having new items added to it (I have literally 10 boxes of Japanese dojins and 3 boxes of American comics to add along with a bunch of fanzines and other items.), 2 auction sites I want to put a bunch of original art on to ( dealers den and fur forge) and dammit it is football season ( Go Penn State Nittany Lions and Dallas Cowboys woooo! ) I actually have a man cave downstairs to relax and watch football in and I'm gonna do it. Hell, reading that back when you add in doctors visits I don't know where I'll get the time to do it all.

Most of all this years Anthrocon was great, it's the only show I do and I very much want to be sure I can keep doing it for years to come. I have some great friends who help me there with the stand and I enjoy meeting many of the fans of dojins and every other furry that stops to say hello. I would like to do it without being in a wheelchair.

I'm 56 and legally disabled. I never thought my career would end like this, I always thought I would be doing my job till 67 and then retire. I have always done most everything by myself and been able to give help to others. I never thought I would be at a point of needing others just to do simple things, especially not in my 50's. This, I have come to realize, is the source of a lot of my mental and emotional pain, being useless. I need to fix that, come to terms with my life or one day one of those darks thoughts won't just be a thought and there is no coming back after that, it's final.

Enough of the depressing journal, sorry it was so long but I think I needed to get some of it out. Things are going to get better, I am going to make them better....or else.