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“Resentment”
2 years ago
General
Last night; I’ve reached my boiling point. Instead doing anything drastic; I just decided to write it all out in this college-level-essay to turn in this morning to the mental health place I’m registered at. I just was obsessed with moving some ball in motion because I simply wasn’t getting the help that I needed. The sadder part about it is I wasn’t even finished when I drove over and handed it in; I planned on writing more and even that doesn’t scratch the surface of the shit I’ve been through. But at the same time, I was writing that shit literally since midnight until 6 or 7 AM.
I just want to share ONE of the things I wrote down; a horrible thing that happened to me in my youth. I’m not trying to drum up any sympathy or empathy; hell, nobody is civil any more and I’m over that shit. But my heart of hearts wants to tell this story and maybe it will paint a picture on how I’ve become such a miserable bastard:
Once upon a time in the 5th grade, my little sister and I were walking the very short distance from the elementary school to the high school where my grandfather worked. Two fellow classmates, two girls in my class, trailed very close behind. I truly don’t know what caused or instigated this whole thing; one of them accused me of teaching my little sister “dirty things” when I think we were talking about RuneScape or Neopets or whatever was cool at the time. I think, primarily, they just saw me as the “class-clown”; the jester to be naturally picked out and fucked with. But, they just started…gleefully kicking the shit out of me. Like, literally, getting me to the ground and kicking my head and torso. They kicked snow in my face in the middle of winter. The ass-kicking then traveled to this parking area in front of the high school. I think it “traveled” because I kept getting back up and ignoring them just to get tripped to the ground and wailed on again. I have no clue where my sister was at the time, I think she just entered the high school without me. Whether or not she got my grandpa or any help I don’t know or care anymore. The next thing I see the fucking bully at my school get out of one of these parked cars and walk toward me. I can see his stupid, arrogant, heavy-tongued sneer to this day. Then, just a pure wave of snow and ice on my face and he joins in. Three classmates my age, just kicking the crap out me in front of this high school, God, and the dickless adults that were parked there and watched it all happen. Three kids my age physically hurting me and nobody cared. And I just took it. Like a little bitch. I did nothing. Do you wanna know why I did nothing?? BECAUSE DUHHHHH, YOU CAN’T HIT A GIRL! I took that unspoken “gentleman” route and let these cunts kick the shit out of me. I did the “right thing” by letting someone physically assault me. If it hadn’t been for the bully’s stepmom or whatever-guardian-the-fuck coming out of the car; shouting at HIM to get back in the car (even though she just let that shit happen for a few more seconds) and then to the girls: “IF HE CATCHES PNEUMONIA, IT’LL BE YOUR MOTHERS WHO’LL BE SORRY!!” That got them to stop. All was said and done and I don’t really remember what else happened. They tore up my coat in the process. I told my mom. It got reported to the school office. The girls wrote apology letters and bully tried to lie his way out of the story. But it’s all okay, cause it’s just FUN-AND-GAMES-THEY-ARE-JUST-KIDS, right? Sometimes I think my mom was more concerned about the fucking ripped coat…
Just a moment in my life that bothers/affects me more than I think it does. I just want to lay it out right now.
PLEASE, for those concerned: I’m trying my best. Im taking actions to find things to find happiness again and heal. I am tired of hurting the people I love. I truly don’t want to be this way.
I just want to share ONE of the things I wrote down; a horrible thing that happened to me in my youth. I’m not trying to drum up any sympathy or empathy; hell, nobody is civil any more and I’m over that shit. But my heart of hearts wants to tell this story and maybe it will paint a picture on how I’ve become such a miserable bastard:
Once upon a time in the 5th grade, my little sister and I were walking the very short distance from the elementary school to the high school where my grandfather worked. Two fellow classmates, two girls in my class, trailed very close behind. I truly don’t know what caused or instigated this whole thing; one of them accused me of teaching my little sister “dirty things” when I think we were talking about RuneScape or Neopets or whatever was cool at the time. I think, primarily, they just saw me as the “class-clown”; the jester to be naturally picked out and fucked with. But, they just started…gleefully kicking the shit out of me. Like, literally, getting me to the ground and kicking my head and torso. They kicked snow in my face in the middle of winter. The ass-kicking then traveled to this parking area in front of the high school. I think it “traveled” because I kept getting back up and ignoring them just to get tripped to the ground and wailed on again. I have no clue where my sister was at the time, I think she just entered the high school without me. Whether or not she got my grandpa or any help I don’t know or care anymore. The next thing I see the fucking bully at my school get out of one of these parked cars and walk toward me. I can see his stupid, arrogant, heavy-tongued sneer to this day. Then, just a pure wave of snow and ice on my face and he joins in. Three classmates my age, just kicking the crap out me in front of this high school, God, and the dickless adults that were parked there and watched it all happen. Three kids my age physically hurting me and nobody cared. And I just took it. Like a little bitch. I did nothing. Do you wanna know why I did nothing?? BECAUSE DUHHHHH, YOU CAN’T HIT A GIRL! I took that unspoken “gentleman” route and let these cunts kick the shit out of me. I did the “right thing” by letting someone physically assault me. If it hadn’t been for the bully’s stepmom or whatever-guardian-the-fuck coming out of the car; shouting at HIM to get back in the car (even though she just let that shit happen for a few more seconds) and then to the girls: “IF HE CATCHES PNEUMONIA, IT’LL BE YOUR MOTHERS WHO’LL BE SORRY!!” That got them to stop. All was said and done and I don’t really remember what else happened. They tore up my coat in the process. I told my mom. It got reported to the school office. The girls wrote apology letters and bully tried to lie his way out of the story. But it’s all okay, cause it’s just FUN-AND-GAMES-THEY-ARE-JUST-KIDS, right? Sometimes I think my mom was more concerned about the fucking ripped coat…
Just a moment in my life that bothers/affects me more than I think it does. I just want to lay it out right now.
PLEASE, for those concerned: I’m trying my best. Im taking actions to find things to find happiness again and heal. I am tired of hurting the people I love. I truly don’t want to be this way.
I was taught not to hit girls unless they hit me first. Then its open season.
RockerGrayFox
~rockergrayfox
OP
I was taught “good morale values” that ended up fucking me in the end :)
thecoywolfzearoth
~thedarkwolfzearoth
So was I and they do in fact tend to do that
As someone who was mostly bullied by girls growing up, I feel your pain. I was taught not to hit girls under any circumstances, but I never truly accepted that as fact.
