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A full-length journal entry, from an overthinking artist
2 years ago
General
If I could be my fursona, I'd have short little legs and a long tail, and run everywhere on all fours. I'd have big black eyes, big round ears, long whiskers, and sharp teeth. I'd curl up in a ball when I sleep. And I wouldn't be scared of asking for attention or talking on social media.
Excuse the following mess, I have had a lot on my mind that I needed to get out.
I know that age is supposed to bring experience, and experience is supposed to bring confidence. But if anything, experience has made me less confident, because it's made me more aware of all the possible mistakes I could make, and feeds my paranoia, and makes me split my focus between several different issues, and still question whether any one of those things is good enough.
I don't know how artists manage to tune out the question of whether they are good enough. From what I can tell, they just create with the knowledge that they may find errors in the future, but for now it's good enough for them.
I think I've lived for so long, though, that I've already internalized the idea that I'm not good enough and will never be good enough, that there will always be mistakes. It's one of the things that keeps holding me back when I'm coding or speaking in job interviews. I know that I'm not good enough, and I have to lie and say that I am. I know that no one is perfect, but I'm still expected to sell myself as if I was perfect. I know no one else is perfect either. So the question is: how much is everyone else lying about themselves? What more should I do in order to out-achieve someone else for the same role? What am I doing wrong if I can't lie as well as they can?
As a child, I got a lot of sympathy for being neurotic. After all, those are the days you're supposed to be neurotic and trying to find answers, and people like helping kids. As an adult, there's a lot of pressure not to express those questions. You're supposed to have found the answers for yourself, or you've learned that it isn't up to other people to answer them for you. And if it's not their job to answer your questions, it's even less of their job to help you find the right questions.
So what am I asking here? I've been asking myself for a long time whether it's right to go asking people to commission me, if that pesters people or if it's just expected advertisement. I've been asking myself whether the scratching inking and coloring techniques appeal to people, if they capture that scratchy sensation of fur or feathers or if they just look amateurish and unpolished. I've been asking whether I should raise my prices higher, or if I should wait until my backlog overwhelms me. I've been asking myself whether my terms of service are too complicated for people to follow, or if useful and necessary for me to cover my end, or whether I'm too paranoid about pushy customers when I am the ultimate decider of whether or not I want something or not. Or maybe I haven't internalized the artist's sleight-of-hand, where they can just deny a commission they don't want to do, by lying that their queue is full.
It must be easier for professional artists, who have their own agents who can handle those questions, to tell them what is expected, and to handle the publicity and marketing behind the scenes. Maybe I'm just too worried about offending people, especially when I have so much trouble following up with people right away. It already took me several hours just to write this journal.
---
To keep things simple for the TL;DR people: I'm still offering commissions at $11 a stage. If you have commissioned an artist before, let me know what sort of management system they used to process commissions and keep you informed of their progress, and what sort of expectations you had before commissioning them, and whether they changed those expectations.
If you're an artist who takes commissions, let me know as well what your system is, and what your expectations of your clients is.
----
[strike]Oh yeah, and I'm continuing to stream tonight at 6:40 PM Eastern. It's a bit later than my sual time, because I have a group project meeting to be a part of. Link is at https://picarto.tv/Rimme[/strike]
EDIT: Actually, no stream tonight. Group project is gonna up the evening instead.
Excuse the following mess, I have had a lot on my mind that I needed to get out.
I know that age is supposed to bring experience, and experience is supposed to bring confidence. But if anything, experience has made me less confident, because it's made me more aware of all the possible mistakes I could make, and feeds my paranoia, and makes me split my focus between several different issues, and still question whether any one of those things is good enough.
I don't know how artists manage to tune out the question of whether they are good enough. From what I can tell, they just create with the knowledge that they may find errors in the future, but for now it's good enough for them.
I think I've lived for so long, though, that I've already internalized the idea that I'm not good enough and will never be good enough, that there will always be mistakes. It's one of the things that keeps holding me back when I'm coding or speaking in job interviews. I know that I'm not good enough, and I have to lie and say that I am. I know that no one is perfect, but I'm still expected to sell myself as if I was perfect. I know no one else is perfect either. So the question is: how much is everyone else lying about themselves? What more should I do in order to out-achieve someone else for the same role? What am I doing wrong if I can't lie as well as they can?
As a child, I got a lot of sympathy for being neurotic. After all, those are the days you're supposed to be neurotic and trying to find answers, and people like helping kids. As an adult, there's a lot of pressure not to express those questions. You're supposed to have found the answers for yourself, or you've learned that it isn't up to other people to answer them for you. And if it's not their job to answer your questions, it's even less of their job to help you find the right questions.
So what am I asking here? I've been asking myself for a long time whether it's right to go asking people to commission me, if that pesters people or if it's just expected advertisement. I've been asking myself whether the scratching inking and coloring techniques appeal to people, if they capture that scratchy sensation of fur or feathers or if they just look amateurish and unpolished. I've been asking whether I should raise my prices higher, or if I should wait until my backlog overwhelms me. I've been asking myself whether my terms of service are too complicated for people to follow, or if useful and necessary for me to cover my end, or whether I'm too paranoid about pushy customers when I am the ultimate decider of whether or not I want something or not. Or maybe I haven't internalized the artist's sleight-of-hand, where they can just deny a commission they don't want to do, by lying that their queue is full.
It must be easier for professional artists, who have their own agents who can handle those questions, to tell them what is expected, and to handle the publicity and marketing behind the scenes. Maybe I'm just too worried about offending people, especially when I have so much trouble following up with people right away. It already took me several hours just to write this journal.
---
To keep things simple for the TL;DR people: I'm still offering commissions at $11 a stage. If you have commissioned an artist before, let me know what sort of management system they used to process commissions and keep you informed of their progress, and what sort of expectations you had before commissioning them, and whether they changed those expectations.
If you're an artist who takes commissions, let me know as well what your system is, and what your expectations of your clients is.
----
[strike]Oh yeah, and I'm continuing to stream tonight at 6:40 PM Eastern. It's a bit later than my sual time, because I have a group project meeting to be a part of. Link is at https://picarto.tv/Rimme[/strike]
EDIT: Actually, no stream tonight. Group project is gonna up the evening instead.
I will always hear it, but I do not have to acknowledge it. I can rely on my life experience that's shown that 99% of the time, my commissioners and followers have been very happy with what I've done. I don't have to like my own work. I'll try my best, but I'll never think I'm a "great artist", like we might imagine will strike us in a glorious Eureka instant where we suddenly know we're talented.
Hang in there. The negative thoughts will be there but there will be good things too!
---
For commissions, proper communication is the most important thing. Never mind talent, prices, or punctuality, as long as you're communicating and honest, things will usually be okay. Answer the client's questions and concerns, and learn to ask your own questions that will provide the answers you need to do a good job. I may have done hundreds of commissions, but it might be this person's first one, and they don't actually know what to ask for or describe.
Never hide or be afraid of your clients, as long as you're there to talk to them and are honest, most clients will forgive almost any blunder. It's only when an artist is deceptive or elusive that the torches and pitchforks come out.
Hope that helped in some way. Hope things get better for you!