Hey everyone.

A month ago I finished my final piece, then went on hiatus. I was meant to take the time to prepare Halloween plans, rebuild my backlog, redo my price sheet, and get back in the saddle. But that hasn’t happened. In fact, I haven’t touched my tablet since then.

I’ve been wrestling with my gender identity. I’ve come out as trans twice before in my life, the first time obtaining an official GID diagnosis with recommendation not to pursue permanent transition at the time (I was a teenager). My parents said since I wasn’t transitioning, I just shouldn’t worry about it, and I was effectively closeted. Came out a second time in college, where my then-partner had told me she didn’t know if she could stand the combined pain I was going through of suicidal ideation and gender dysphoria. And so I bottled it up and recloseted myself.

I am now newly 26 and have my own insurance. Granted it’s a Medicaid plan but it’s mine. About four months ago, I tentatively began referring to myself as genderfluid, and had trusted friends keep tabs and ask my gender and pronouns. After months of not once identifying as male or nonbinary, I hesitantly concluded a month ago, for the third time, that I am in fact a transgender woman. I’ve known it this whole time and I’ve been avoiding it for others’ sake. I have been trying for the last month to come out to my parents. I feel like the boy who cried wolf. It’s coming up yet again. I don’t know if I’ll recieve the support I once did that compelled them to bring my to a psychiatrist or if they’ll just straight up kick me out. If I lived alone I honestly don’t think I’d tell them.

I have been speaking to an endocrinologist. I recieved my prescription today and begin my first dose tonight. I do not want any surgery besides laser hair removal; as someone already a victim of medical malpractice I want my body as intact and natural as I can keep it. Hormones will be my only permanent transitional step, at least for the forseeable future. I am happy but still worried about my family. It’s not that I haven’t tried to tell them; we’ve had a death in the family, my grandfather move into a home, my sister return to college, all a week apart. It’s not been a good time to tell them.

I haven’t even thought about my art, or anything else to be honest. I’ve pretty much shut down just trying this whole month both to come out and to get hormones. I now have one of those two goals checked off. I miss being creative, I miss sharing. But I am such a wreck trying to figure out how to be myself right now.