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Life Changing, but painful, realization/mental breakthrou...
2 years ago
Yip yip yip yip yip yip yip yip yip yip
Man I don't do rambly journals often but this one is... special, to me
Content warning this shit gets dark
As of yesterday, after two weeks of being stuck remembering more and more about my past (and emailing my therapist since he likes seeing my thoughts)...
Well
I finally found the truth. A painful, harsh, shitty truth
For context: my childhood sucked. I always just shrugged it off by saying it could have very easily been worse and I grew up at least on a good path.
And as of last night, after some texting with my mom that had her tell me something arguably minor about my father... I finally snapped.
My father is... an alcoholic, smoker, currently in jail for things not related to me personally and has been for years. He was fond of tough love. I've said all this before. I've met people who had way worse times growing up. But... thats just no excuse to pretend mine was acceptable.
My mom divorced my dad when I was in fourth grade. I happily went between houses, didn't bother me. What I should've done is stayed with my mom, i had the choice, but I was loyal to my dad and the house I grew up in
That choice fucked me up. Badly.
He wanted to be a good dad for me. That is how I've excused all the shit he caused me. I happily ignored the problems and warning signs that staying with him primarily wasn't a good idea.
He wasn't abusive, fond of spanking, grounding, etc. But he never randomly flew into blind rages or the like. But
He wasn't a good dad. I just never realized how bad of one he was.
His garage was a hoarder paradise. he barely read the mail and missed power payments multiple times. We went months without internet or even cable because no money.
Meanwhile my mom despite all the shit she had to put herself through was a smart spender, kept receipts and emails, all the good stuff. My dad admitted many times she kept the house together and she was far better than him.
You get the idea, yeah?
I was raised on valuing family and shit. So until last night I considered the idea of demonizing him in spite of his good intentions to be taboo. Reminds me of someone else, if you know what I mean.
I won't go into detail about everything, too personal and long. But...
He is the originator of a lot of my current mental issues. And worsened them too.
My anxiety from his punishments and skirting around him when he wasn't home just to enjoy some internet time
My depression for how awful my home life was, although a lot of other shit contributed to it too
My confidence issues and worry of others judgment. He saw me watching SpongeBob as a teen and off handedly remarked I'm a bit old for that, among other things.
Horrifically the cause of my need to please others and be what they perceive me to be.
That's not to say he's to blame for everything, school, lack of friends, other shit contributed.
But his vices and wants caused so much of it to start, and worsen.
I broke last night when I was texting my mom at work and she told me he didn't want me tested for mental disorders as a kid. He didn't say it, but from all that I remember, he wanted me to turn out normal. Football, fishing, other shit
He played video games with me, some sports, other stuff. But...
When I found out he actively opposed the idea that I wasn't normal.
I broke. My mom got me an individualized education plan, medication, and more. What did he do
Nothing
I finally validates feelings I've had for years when I snapped. I hate him, I don't want to forgive him, and he doesn't deserve exclusion from my stance that people should change for the better.
He didn't accommodate my problems. If my grades sucked, I got punished. If I needed help, he'd just tell me to study or be unhelpful. The rest of his side of the family isn't much better. One of my cousins grew up to be a delinquent so bad military school couldn't fix him. His dad? A womanizer, general asshole, and someone I hope I never see again.
One of my uncles was so much of a train wreck he ate his gun in front of his own dad. My dad's dad. Im not explaining this well
My grandpa had four kids, one girl, three boys
One of them blew his brains out after he couldn't take his train wreck of a life anymore, in front of his own father. The other had my delinquent cousin. And then my dad had Mr.
The uncle who is dead has a kid who's my older cousin. He's not much better than his dead and has two kids younger than me. One of them is ok but the other... she's smart, but her behavior is atrocious. Like, bratty little girl mind in a middle schooler body at this point.
All the above? Except my granddad, all got divorced by thier wives. Nobody in my dad side of the bloodline that is male seems to have any redeeming qualities about them. As in, my dad, his brothers, thier kids.
They're the reason I don't have a backbone. Very physical family. One time my cousin and uncle were fighting and my uncle took his belt off and threw it at him. It missed, knocked a curtain down. If you couldn't handle the heat, get out of the kitchen.
My dad wasn't as physical as them but I've felt the belt plenty. Had CPS called on us once. Fun. Same person who made me come home on weekends from my mom's just to feed the birds we cared for on behalf of a friend who was a bird groomer and rehomer. Responsibility my ass. Two different buses, both ways. Fuck off.
My dad didn't force me to do a lot of the dumb shit I've done over time, but many of them wouldn't have happened if he hadn't been the source if events that led up to them. I had to go into a teen ward for a weekend once because I was going so insane i was having hallucinations of stabbing him in his sleep with a knife. And even after that
He never changed. He tried, but he never did. His vices and wants ruined us all. Even after the ward all he did was try to be less harsh.
It's so fucked up, man.
We never lived anywhere with many kids my age, I was a weird kid at school, and while he didn't make me socially stunted. He didn't help it either. Same person who said if I got into a fight with a bully, he'd defend me from the staff. Also told me to break thier nose.
Me. Someone who hates pain and doesn't want to get into fights.
The only reason I turned out like I have now instead of becoming another problem is because of my mom's side of the family and my genuine desire to improve. I've never done any drugs, all I do is endure.
All the family values I had growing up made me feel taboo to validate my feelings and thoughts about him and the rest.
I could be so much less fucked up mentally without him. But the past is long gone. I haven't seen him in years, don't want to either.
I hate you, *****. I don't forgive you. I don't want to even see you again.
If he can, Papa would be disappointed in you. All of you. He raised you all better than this.
Context: grandpa was called papa. He wasn't nearly as bad as the others, everyone respected him, even my mom who isn't fond of any of them. When he said dinner, everyone materialized.
When I see my therapist again soon, i can hopefully get guidance on how to finally heal. And even more, overcome my mental and social issues.
It pains me to say my dad going to jail labeled as a pedophile because he pissed off someone popular and powerful in her community was the best thing to happen to me
But it was
And yes, that's real. Even the people who hate my dad agree there was no real proof of him being a child predator. Not on me, not in photos, not in the computer.
But having him out of my life, well
That was the first step to me becoming who I am now
Free of a truly terrible influence and father figure
There's so much left for me to do, so much I need to heal from
But at least now I've finally identified the original cause of so many of my mental problems not from genetics
Fuck
I had to tear out one of my core beliefs
Just to stop ignoring the signs, stop burying the truth, and finally see how the dots all connect
It's not fucking easy
But I had to do it
Otherwise I'd just keep going in circles and never having real closure and healing.
Content warning this shit gets dark
As of yesterday, after two weeks of being stuck remembering more and more about my past (and emailing my therapist since he likes seeing my thoughts)...
Well
I finally found the truth. A painful, harsh, shitty truth
For context: my childhood sucked. I always just shrugged it off by saying it could have very easily been worse and I grew up at least on a good path.
And as of last night, after some texting with my mom that had her tell me something arguably minor about my father... I finally snapped.
My father is... an alcoholic, smoker, currently in jail for things not related to me personally and has been for years. He was fond of tough love. I've said all this before. I've met people who had way worse times growing up. But... thats just no excuse to pretend mine was acceptable.
My mom divorced my dad when I was in fourth grade. I happily went between houses, didn't bother me. What I should've done is stayed with my mom, i had the choice, but I was loyal to my dad and the house I grew up in
That choice fucked me up. Badly.
He wanted to be a good dad for me. That is how I've excused all the shit he caused me. I happily ignored the problems and warning signs that staying with him primarily wasn't a good idea.
He wasn't abusive, fond of spanking, grounding, etc. But he never randomly flew into blind rages or the like. But
He wasn't a good dad. I just never realized how bad of one he was.
His garage was a hoarder paradise. he barely read the mail and missed power payments multiple times. We went months without internet or even cable because no money.
Meanwhile my mom despite all the shit she had to put herself through was a smart spender, kept receipts and emails, all the good stuff. My dad admitted many times she kept the house together and she was far better than him.
You get the idea, yeah?
I was raised on valuing family and shit. So until last night I considered the idea of demonizing him in spite of his good intentions to be taboo. Reminds me of someone else, if you know what I mean.
I won't go into detail about everything, too personal and long. But...
He is the originator of a lot of my current mental issues. And worsened them too.
My anxiety from his punishments and skirting around him when he wasn't home just to enjoy some internet time
My depression for how awful my home life was, although a lot of other shit contributed to it too
My confidence issues and worry of others judgment. He saw me watching SpongeBob as a teen and off handedly remarked I'm a bit old for that, among other things.
Horrifically the cause of my need to please others and be what they perceive me to be.
That's not to say he's to blame for everything, school, lack of friends, other shit contributed.
But his vices and wants caused so much of it to start, and worsen.
I broke last night when I was texting my mom at work and she told me he didn't want me tested for mental disorders as a kid. He didn't say it, but from all that I remember, he wanted me to turn out normal. Football, fishing, other shit
He played video games with me, some sports, other stuff. But...
When I found out he actively opposed the idea that I wasn't normal.
I broke. My mom got me an individualized education plan, medication, and more. What did he do
Nothing
I finally validates feelings I've had for years when I snapped. I hate him, I don't want to forgive him, and he doesn't deserve exclusion from my stance that people should change for the better.
He didn't accommodate my problems. If my grades sucked, I got punished. If I needed help, he'd just tell me to study or be unhelpful. The rest of his side of the family isn't much better. One of my cousins grew up to be a delinquent so bad military school couldn't fix him. His dad? A womanizer, general asshole, and someone I hope I never see again.
One of my uncles was so much of a train wreck he ate his gun in front of his own dad. My dad's dad. Im not explaining this well
My grandpa had four kids, one girl, three boys
One of them blew his brains out after he couldn't take his train wreck of a life anymore, in front of his own father. The other had my delinquent cousin. And then my dad had Mr.
The uncle who is dead has a kid who's my older cousin. He's not much better than his dead and has two kids younger than me. One of them is ok but the other... she's smart, but her behavior is atrocious. Like, bratty little girl mind in a middle schooler body at this point.
All the above? Except my granddad, all got divorced by thier wives. Nobody in my dad side of the bloodline that is male seems to have any redeeming qualities about them. As in, my dad, his brothers, thier kids.
They're the reason I don't have a backbone. Very physical family. One time my cousin and uncle were fighting and my uncle took his belt off and threw it at him. It missed, knocked a curtain down. If you couldn't handle the heat, get out of the kitchen.
My dad wasn't as physical as them but I've felt the belt plenty. Had CPS called on us once. Fun. Same person who made me come home on weekends from my mom's just to feed the birds we cared for on behalf of a friend who was a bird groomer and rehomer. Responsibility my ass. Two different buses, both ways. Fuck off.
My dad didn't force me to do a lot of the dumb shit I've done over time, but many of them wouldn't have happened if he hadn't been the source if events that led up to them. I had to go into a teen ward for a weekend once because I was going so insane i was having hallucinations of stabbing him in his sleep with a knife. And even after that
He never changed. He tried, but he never did. His vices and wants ruined us all. Even after the ward all he did was try to be less harsh.
It's so fucked up, man.
We never lived anywhere with many kids my age, I was a weird kid at school, and while he didn't make me socially stunted. He didn't help it either. Same person who said if I got into a fight with a bully, he'd defend me from the staff. Also told me to break thier nose.
Me. Someone who hates pain and doesn't want to get into fights.
The only reason I turned out like I have now instead of becoming another problem is because of my mom's side of the family and my genuine desire to improve. I've never done any drugs, all I do is endure.
All the family values I had growing up made me feel taboo to validate my feelings and thoughts about him and the rest.
I could be so much less fucked up mentally without him. But the past is long gone. I haven't seen him in years, don't want to either.
I hate you, *****. I don't forgive you. I don't want to even see you again.
If he can, Papa would be disappointed in you. All of you. He raised you all better than this.
Context: grandpa was called papa. He wasn't nearly as bad as the others, everyone respected him, even my mom who isn't fond of any of them. When he said dinner, everyone materialized.
When I see my therapist again soon, i can hopefully get guidance on how to finally heal. And even more, overcome my mental and social issues.
It pains me to say my dad going to jail labeled as a pedophile because he pissed off someone popular and powerful in her community was the best thing to happen to me
But it was
And yes, that's real. Even the people who hate my dad agree there was no real proof of him being a child predator. Not on me, not in photos, not in the computer.
But having him out of my life, well
That was the first step to me becoming who I am now
Free of a truly terrible influence and father figure
There's so much left for me to do, so much I need to heal from
But at least now I've finally identified the original cause of so many of my mental problems not from genetics
Fuck
I had to tear out one of my core beliefs
Just to stop ignoring the signs, stop burying the truth, and finally see how the dots all connect
It's not fucking easy
But I had to do it
Otherwise I'd just keep going in circles and never having real closure and healing.
Yeah, the fact his side of the family is so fucked up that one of them killed himself. I can't even comprehend how much of a douche you have to be to push someone that far.
The whole disorder thing is a can of worms. I have an autistic little brother. It's not easy, I'll just leave it at that.
Anyway, hopefully you feel a great weight has been lifted off ya. Maybe write a letter to dad and tell him off. Or maybe he's not even worth that, I don't know, your family issue after all.
If you ever become a parent, may you know the proper way to raise kids. Make that a huge middle finger to your dad's legacy.
Father hate, orphan, desire for love and comfort
Fuck man
I still.think they're cringe but the subject matter makes sense now
On paper, you and I would appear to have the opposite problems. Your father wanted you to be "normal". My father, I'm convinced, wanted to believe he was normal (long story short: he had problems as a kid, and I think it irritated him that neither my brother nor I had those problems as kids too). Your father went to jail for an (alleged) act of perversion. I cut ties with my father once and for all because he joked in public about me committing those acts of perversion.
And yet I could relate to all of that. From not wanting to demonize family to the ultimate snap. And every now and then, I still have one of those snaps -- I'll just randomly flash on something and start cursing under my breath, saying what I wish I'd had enough focus and/or spine to say to them at the time.
Which, mind you, is not necessarily a bad thing, as long as you make sure you're doing it in a controlled way or in a controlled environment. There are a lot of things I've realized -- connections I've made -- only after hearing something said out loud.
Hopefully, you'll get to read this journal and come to some greater clarity too.
I highly respect you for having the strength to write this all out, not to mention realizing where the problems stems from.
Im not good with words nor can I relate with what you experienced, however I'm sorry to hear the rough childhood you went through. Your father is a seriously bad person and it sucks how his side of the family was affecting you a lot. How he didn't want to help you when you needed it. It just sounds like a whole lot of unfortunate shit.
On the other hand, im glad to hear that your mom and her side of the family was able to help and value you to a point it helped you be who you are today.
It may be a long road ahead but I do hope life treats you better and that you are able to heal properly. One thing is for sure though, that you yourself are 100% a better person now that you wrote this out
Still, can put that all down to karma slamming your dad in jail like that; though it also sounds like a family history (not genetics) that truly brought all that crashing down.
There is no quick fix from here, but you can, and will, get better. The wounds you have may not heal for a while, and may certainly leave scars, but you won't suffer any new injuries. Take your time, take it slow, don't hesitate to reach out to people you know and trust to confide in them when you're going through a rough patch. Friends you can trust to help you and not judge you when you tell them your problems are most certainly the best thing to have in times like this, whether those friends be people you know in real life, your actual family, someone on the internet, or someone else.
I know I'm basically a stranger who comments on a stray image here and there, but a good portion of journal resonated with me and I just had to say something to try to help. Either way, I hope you're feeling better now and will eventually recover from all of this.