Woooo, boy! Last week, I had a sudden return of extreme, intrusive anxiety that’s been haunting me ever since. It’s nothing I can control, and is more akin to a severe allergic reaction where the immune system overreacts and does more harm with its intervention than good. But instead of the immune system overreacting, severe anxiety is when the "F.E.A.R." (Fuck Everything and Run) systems overreact to a similar degree.

One of my budgies became really sick last week, which seemed to set this off. He's finally getting better, but he’s getting old, and I’m having a series of conversations with myself about the importance of grieving him now so that his actual passing does not debilitate me. I cannot let these things continue to prevent me from getting better and resurrecting my capacity to make art.

I’m probably going to pause my Patreon this month. Hopefully I’ll still have something to post, but just in case, I’ll spare my incredible Patrons having to deal with my issues.

I also tried to talk to people again on various platforms and got heavily punished by my broken mind with terrible, pointless anxiety that made focusing on anything nearly impossible. It looks like, somehow, I’ve developed a serious and sharp phobia of “talking to people one-on-one.” I seem to have no problem with talking to people in public, like in journal or submission comments, which is strange. But one-on-one? Woof, it's surprisingly difficult. It’s been just as bad in real life, as I’m now down to two people in real life that I talk to twice a week. It’s simultaneously painful to engage with people and then deeply lonely. Don’t develop fear of people, kiddos, it can destroy your life. (Hasn't destroyed mine yet, because I have no intention of letting it. Grumble.)

But it’s not all bad. Prior to that, I had two extremely good months. I’ve successfully wrapped my mind around Krita, and I’ve learned how to setup computer networks and set static IP addresses for anything from a computer to a webcam to a printer. So, I’ll take all that as evidence that I CAN get through this, and that I’m on the right track. Woo!

Please pardon any delays. I’ll at least post an update journal once a month or so in order to not completely disappear. I’m still here and, believe it or not, quietly use FA more than any website now.