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Pushing through intense insomnia and depression.
6 months ago
Hey, there, everyone, just wanted vent a little and provide another update so I’m not just radio silent. I’m fine, just largely uncomfortable in my own skin for the time being and taking some “me” time.
For some reason, I’ve been struggling with terrible insomnia for the last two or so months. I'm just not sleeping, no matter how tired I feel. The insomnia has been accompanied by maddening restless legs at night and baffling depression during the day. Underneath this is a deep, severe sense of dread, and I’m about two inches away from hyperventilating in panic at any given moment that I’m awake.
It probably has something to do with the fact that I quit both weed and drinking last December after having done both for a long time. Truth be told, I’d already cut waaaay back on drinking about a year ago (I still have a few glasses of wine of a couple shots of bourbon once a month or so), so it’s more likely the weed withdrawal coupled with my PTSD. I was a smoker for the better part of twelve years, and I’ve read in several places that sleep disturbances such as restless legs and involuntary muscle twitches can last anywhere between one to six months after quitting a particular heavy habit. As for the dread, panic, and depression, I smoked weed to deal with my PTSD (all those things), so these may simply be my normal, unmedicated state. I’ll be focusing on adapting to them. My brain screams at me to either drink or smoke myself to sleep, but I just can't. I must relearn how to sleep without them.
New financial stress isn’t helping, so I’ll hopefully spin up adoptables again soon. That’ll at least get me drawing again, which I really want to do.
I’m sorry I’m not more social. When I’m feeling really depressed or anxious, and I am feeling both intensely right now, I really don’t want to make it other people’s problem. I also don’t like pretending that I’m fine by having surfacy conversations, as it seems to intensify the feelings of anxiety and dread, specifically. I’ve tried to do this, but got quickly punished for it.
I’m sure this will get better, I just need to stay focused and put one foot in front of the other. </vent>
For some reason, I’ve been struggling with terrible insomnia for the last two or so months. I'm just not sleeping, no matter how tired I feel. The insomnia has been accompanied by maddening restless legs at night and baffling depression during the day. Underneath this is a deep, severe sense of dread, and I’m about two inches away from hyperventilating in panic at any given moment that I’m awake.
It probably has something to do with the fact that I quit both weed and drinking last December after having done both for a long time. Truth be told, I’d already cut waaaay back on drinking about a year ago (I still have a few glasses of wine of a couple shots of bourbon once a month or so), so it’s more likely the weed withdrawal coupled with my PTSD. I was a smoker for the better part of twelve years, and I’ve read in several places that sleep disturbances such as restless legs and involuntary muscle twitches can last anywhere between one to six months after quitting a particular heavy habit. As for the dread, panic, and depression, I smoked weed to deal with my PTSD (all those things), so these may simply be my normal, unmedicated state. I’ll be focusing on adapting to them. My brain screams at me to either drink or smoke myself to sleep, but I just can't. I must relearn how to sleep without them.
New financial stress isn’t helping, so I’ll hopefully spin up adoptables again soon. That’ll at least get me drawing again, which I really want to do.
I’m sorry I’m not more social. When I’m feeling really depressed or anxious, and I am feeling both intensely right now, I really don’t want to make it other people’s problem. I also don’t like pretending that I’m fine by having surfacy conversations, as it seems to intensify the feelings of anxiety and dread, specifically. I’ve tried to do this, but got quickly punished for it.
I’m sure this will get better, I just need to stay focused and put one foot in front of the other. </vent>
Rooting for you all the way!
I know what you mean about not wanting to share and unload on people. I've got a couple friends I share everything with and I always feel like I'm burdening them with my problems. They assure me it's not a burdon but it's a hard thought to shake. But it's important to have someone you can vent those feelings to. Maybe write and vent these joirnals as an alternative? Not putting it on anyone specific. Could helps?
Anyway, you're doing great man and it'll be better. Just gotta get through this rough patch.
Just sayin' as someone who also was chronic(dabs too!!) for over a decade; it DOES get better, and the symptoms do lessen. I'm not sure if some of them will ever fully disappear, but it does get easier the longer you stay quit. Also the savings in money makes it very worth it haha.
Here's to your recovery!
Insomnia is an awful thing...
Hope you'll feel the symptoms recede sooner rather than later. A guy like you deserves rest.
we can always talk and watch more Slime season 3.
Let the therapy wuff be therapy.
Try repeating to yourself “Now these spaces of my heart are for something better”.
About insomnia, see if you need to add an activity to your routine, like a diet plan or workout before sleeping.
Don’t give up my friend, you are infinitely valuable.
Hugs and more hugs for you!
I just read your journal, and while I wish you weren’t going through all this, I’m also really glad you took the time to share it. Knowing you’re still pushing forward—even through insomnia, restless legs, and all the other chaos—is something I genuinely admire.
Quitting something that was such a big part of your routine for years is no small feat, and I hope you give yourself the credit you deserve for doing that. Your brain and body are recalibrating, and that’s exhausting, but you are going to get through this. It’s just going to take time, and I know that sucks to hear when every day already feels like a battle. But you’re strong, and I believe in you.
I also get the whole "not wanting to make it other people’s problem" thing, but please know that you’re not a burden. I care about you, and I’d rather know what’s going on with you than be left in the dark. Even if you don’t feel up to talking much, I just want you to know that I’m here.
And hey, if drawing helps even a little, I hope you get back into it soon. Your art is amazing, and the world needs more of it.
Take care, MOO. You’re not alone in this. 💙