Sometimes you just feel like chucking it all in.
Giving up.
Just lay there and cease to exist.
Apathy will slice your soul to ribbons if you let it in.
I've been in that headspace frequently of late. It's been easy to become enmired in that swamp. I'm so sick of so much. Its so easy to just give up and let those darknesses sing to you their song of hopelessness. I miss my best friend. I miss my dogs. I miss my youth and spending days without pain.
I'm angry, enraged actually, about the absolutely needless mental and physical abuse that was heaped on me for most of my youth. There's a pit of rage inside me. I'm so sick of everything.
But anger is my motivation. That rage is pushing me out of my depression long enough that I'm seeing some rather mundane things in a different light.
Gaping at the night sky is cheap therapy for me.
Rediscovering music I enjoyed in the past is pretty good for a shot of dopamine. Its no cocaine high, but I don't need that. I need enough to restore my peace of mind. A little piece of mind. A little mindfulness and some good music is enough to kick my rage down to a simmer.
I'm pretty sure there's still some good times ahead. I'm going to reach for those for awhile.
I'm pretty sure there are a few people left who will reach out if I go under again.