I get so frustrated at my own productivity, yet I know I already do more than plenty and have no reason to push myself.

I get daily doodles done, I get commissions done timely, I keep my apartment clean, I get embroidery projects worked on to gift family, I bake, I cook, I go out, I see friends and family.

Yet I only keep it to a surface level, because I have to preserve my energy, fatigue always looming, the pain and soreness never far away. I cannot be inactive, if I stop or give up I'll be giving into the chronic illness and only make it worse.

Yet it's never enough to feel naturally tired, to get a healthy rest through a night's sleep. My brain never fully turn off, my body shakes, and I hallucinate people present asking me if everything is okay just so I can tell them that no I'm not doing okay. Yet I am. Cuz I can't give up.

I am doing okay.

I am just tired but never able to fully rest. I'm sore, always on the brink of chronic pain. All the extra things I used to be able to do, just out of reach. I have all the time in the world but not the ability to properly use it and I know that thought is bs.

I'm doing enough. I just have to keep going. Is just so tiring to know this is my new normal. It feels like the marker for normal is always moving to the worse bit by bit, but all I can do is keep on going.

I wanna prove I can live on my own, that I can take care of myself. I have proven I can reach out when needing help, and I can give back for everything people do for me. I might be harsh on me but I know I can always be harsher, and I could be too lenient too. I need to push myself just enough to keep going, stopping only makes it harder to get moving again.

I just needed to vent a bit. Living with chronic illness is a bitch. I wish you all that rest of 2023 is gentle on you, no matter what you are going through. Your struggles are valid, never compare them. Just know I love you and know you can go through it. We all can, together.

Praying for a gentle 2024