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Rough Stuff (CW: Mental Health, Despondency, Disability)
2 years ago
Been a while.
Sorry about that.
I had many many ambitions for this past month that, well, I didn't/couldn't see through. Health developments prevented such from occurring. Even writing this has grown physically difficult, and let me just say, that fact is way more than frustrating.
A little while ago I started noticing pins and needles in my hands and fingers. Dystonia causes muscle spasms and twisting, so I chocked those sensations up to that. Two months later and those neuropathic sensations have only grown stronger, more frequent, and more prevalent. Typing and drawing with numb hands and fingers aren't my forte, and as such, everything has drastically decreased time wise as far as opening writing commissions and continuing my drawing practices. The sensations come and go. They range from a slight tingle to a sizzling burn to outright total unfeeling from the wrist down on both hands. Nothing in my feet, though I've always had sensation loss in the left foot. My recent bloodwork came back clean; I'm not diabetic or pre-diabetic or anything. Just something new. Billy McLaughlin (musician and composer) once said that "Dystonia attacks what you love the most." This is true. The muscles with which you've cultivated the most muscle memory and have the most used neural pathways are those hit the hardest by this disorder. And I love to write. And though I love story telling, doing so is growing more and more difficult.
To those whom I've promised work, I am so, so sorry for the delays. I honestly meant to have everything cleared up and to you by the end of November. I love writing and plotting and planning the stories I've wanted to send you, but the work has just grown physically more and more difficult. I hope you can forgive me.
The whole point of writing was two fold. I love creating worlds. I love seeing these things take place on the page, and watch and imagine as words create these beautiful images in my mind. I wanted to do that for you. I wanted to share joy and share laughter and share all sorts of emotions high and low. I wanted to make your days easier and make you smile. Tears me up that my ability to do so is so hampered right now.
The other reason is, of course, financial. My medical treatments haven't been cheap, and my subsequent medical debt is very high. Five figures deep. Looking down the road, we only see more on the horizon as well. And I don't know what to do to turn this ship around. I feel like I'm floundering.
No jokes today. Just rawness. Neuropathy, dystonic storms, dragging leg, spasmodic larynx. I'm a bit of a mess. And that's not touching on mental health, which has been sorely affected by these feelings of brokeness and inadequacy. I don't know how to turn this around. Sorry for the negativity. I truly do love you guys, and I truly do hope you're doing well. I'm just in a bad spot right now. Things will be okay down the road.
I hope.
Sorry about that.
I had many many ambitions for this past month that, well, I didn't/couldn't see through. Health developments prevented such from occurring. Even writing this has grown physically difficult, and let me just say, that fact is way more than frustrating.
A little while ago I started noticing pins and needles in my hands and fingers. Dystonia causes muscle spasms and twisting, so I chocked those sensations up to that. Two months later and those neuropathic sensations have only grown stronger, more frequent, and more prevalent. Typing and drawing with numb hands and fingers aren't my forte, and as such, everything has drastically decreased time wise as far as opening writing commissions and continuing my drawing practices. The sensations come and go. They range from a slight tingle to a sizzling burn to outright total unfeeling from the wrist down on both hands. Nothing in my feet, though I've always had sensation loss in the left foot. My recent bloodwork came back clean; I'm not diabetic or pre-diabetic or anything. Just something new. Billy McLaughlin (musician and composer) once said that "Dystonia attacks what you love the most." This is true. The muscles with which you've cultivated the most muscle memory and have the most used neural pathways are those hit the hardest by this disorder. And I love to write. And though I love story telling, doing so is growing more and more difficult.
To those whom I've promised work, I am so, so sorry for the delays. I honestly meant to have everything cleared up and to you by the end of November. I love writing and plotting and planning the stories I've wanted to send you, but the work has just grown physically more and more difficult. I hope you can forgive me.
The whole point of writing was two fold. I love creating worlds. I love seeing these things take place on the page, and watch and imagine as words create these beautiful images in my mind. I wanted to do that for you. I wanted to share joy and share laughter and share all sorts of emotions high and low. I wanted to make your days easier and make you smile. Tears me up that my ability to do so is so hampered right now.
The other reason is, of course, financial. My medical treatments haven't been cheap, and my subsequent medical debt is very high. Five figures deep. Looking down the road, we only see more on the horizon as well. And I don't know what to do to turn this ship around. I feel like I'm floundering.
No jokes today. Just rawness. Neuropathy, dystonic storms, dragging leg, spasmodic larynx. I'm a bit of a mess. And that's not touching on mental health, which has been sorely affected by these feelings of brokeness and inadequacy. I don't know how to turn this around. Sorry for the negativity. I truly do love you guys, and I truly do hope you're doing well. I'm just in a bad spot right now. Things will be okay down the road.
I hope.
And two: *hugs you through the internet* as a fellow writer, what you're going through sounds like a nightmare. But while I'm sorry you're going through it, I know that those words don't really help.
... Wonder if those "writes what you say" programs can help?
I'm trying to be kinder. I'll get there. Thank you for your kind words and suggestions 🫂