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so a fair deal happened tonight.
2 years ago
this is due to change after i've had alot of time to Process.
Simply put/TL;dr i 've gone down a deep ass route that mimicked my ex, and what were friends saw me going down that same path esp after whats just happened well yea there's a reason i said "were" friends.
long story,
for a few years before i moved i had already begun to distance from them, it wasn't out of hate, or malice, or to be a prick. It's just.. i don't know what to say? as harsh it's going to sound if they come across this.. i guess Disinterest? or more accurately i wasn't someone i was even back then anymore. the last few interactions i wondered why say friends rather than Acquaintances, because i talked with them that infrequently. Even when i stopped by in Second Life with them, i'd speak/type so infrequently i was best described AFK or just "There."
Tonight was FAR from my best evenings. My mental state is getting worse the less sleep i get, but that's no excuse.
Tonight, one of the two (im trying not to name or dead-name anyone. so this is staying as vauge as i can [Like i got people who +watch me that are dumb enough to do anything ?].) shared a image they took from lost media a old video and they wanted to show off and get my opinion on that. in my infinite crap-wisdom, i chose that time to say i had chosen to revise my stance on AI Art *within reason* (training off your own stuff/art and with a standalone completely offline model running in software.) and before i could edit the message/add to clarify i was NOT Calling what they sent AI generated. had i been the usual "Off in my own world" or had just shutup about it.. i'd still know them and not had what i said come across as a crass insult. as w/o context or even clarifying up what i had said and the poor timing, yea it appeared as if i called it AI Generated. but .. if not having a second to clarify what i did/said was more then enough to send what remained of a "Friendship" off a skyrim-cliff. then the slightest drop of a pin was going to do it. that's how distant things have grown.
"Just what did you say?" well given this was me at the hottest of my temper and it's been long enough for my broken ass mind to "cool" off, alot escapes and we've both deleted each other off all forms of contact. they retain screenshots. but. i went off.. i started to swear, i got rude, crass, and my absolutely worst habit surfaced.. Self-Harm, i struck myself hard enough to split skin under my right-eye, and bruised heavily my left. i punched at my walls enough to redden my knuckles (but not bloody em.)and made it clear to them that it was what i had done.riiight as i was gong to shower off to start cooling down come back and apologize for things and *try to clarify what my poor attempt at timing was, to make clear i was NOT insinuating/accusing them of it. and got a talking to, a long 14 min voice message and just as that "flame" of my temper was about to snuff out, it sparked back into a roaring fire.
i responded in a way i wish i had'nt.. said roughly what kind of friends were we?, mentioned to a question their soulmate had stated and agreed that "no friends shouldn't stay the same forever , they do indeed change" and dove into self loathing pitty party crap. cause looking back at the height of when we were good friends and dating the person they now see in me to now?, i have changed and not for the better.
This is where i admitted to how far we distanced apart. How i've become cold, crass,rude, Nasty, Self-centered, selfish, manipulative. admitted im not exactly the best mate to my own. and said if the Voice message was going to be tearing me a new tail hole, i'd pass till the morning, and have-to explain to the hospital staff to now why i have two large shiners and split skin under the eye (tbh that's likely going to get the damn study put off till it clears up.). and "after all that im going to get a shower, fix something to eat and call it a early night." and in that time and coming back, the message history was gone.contact showed no longer a phone number but just a (!) a last seen: Never, and cleaned chat history. i was blocked everywhere.. here, steam telegram, bluesky, IB discord.. EVERYWHERE. i said peace on the last that hadn't yet been touched n quickly "error loading profile." (blocked there.)
so at the worst of myself i proved i had gone the same hellish path as my Ex. The same self pitty, the same Self-loathing, the same self-harm n self hating. and both no longer had the energy to see anyone they cared about go down this path... yes i had seen as we distanced apart.. but i didn't see or couldn't see they still gave a shit about my dumb-ass., i had known them for the most part about who they are *online* and one of em a bit IRL.and i just nuked them From orbit. people i had known since the early damn 2000's... friends i had known for the better part of 20 years. (or atleast is how it felt .)
Going forward there's going to be things/places completely offlimits for a good-long-while, since attending them will just.. dredge things up, and even if things were ever forgiven (but never forgotten. as i dont want this night to be.)its never going to be the same,.
There's no going back after this. what's done is done. And all i can do is reflect on this, Try to get better and move on. keep close to memories and learn from this.. there's a few people still keeping me sane left in my life, and if i value them like i should of who i just lost? is Seek help.
Simply put/TL;dr i 've gone down a deep ass route that mimicked my ex, and what were friends saw me going down that same path esp after whats just happened well yea there's a reason i said "were" friends.
long story,
for a few years before i moved i had already begun to distance from them, it wasn't out of hate, or malice, or to be a prick. It's just.. i don't know what to say? as harsh it's going to sound if they come across this.. i guess Disinterest? or more accurately i wasn't someone i was even back then anymore. the last few interactions i wondered why say friends rather than Acquaintances, because i talked with them that infrequently. Even when i stopped by in Second Life with them, i'd speak/type so infrequently i was best described AFK or just "There."
Tonight was FAR from my best evenings. My mental state is getting worse the less sleep i get, but that's no excuse.
Tonight, one of the two (im trying not to name or dead-name anyone. so this is staying as vauge as i can [Like i got people who +watch me that are dumb enough to do anything ?].) shared a image they took from lost media a old video and they wanted to show off and get my opinion on that. in my infinite crap-wisdom, i chose that time to say i had chosen to revise my stance on AI Art *within reason* (training off your own stuff/art and with a standalone completely offline model running in software.) and before i could edit the message/add to clarify i was NOT Calling what they sent AI generated. had i been the usual "Off in my own world" or had just shutup about it.. i'd still know them and not had what i said come across as a crass insult. as w/o context or even clarifying up what i had said and the poor timing, yea it appeared as if i called it AI Generated. but .. if not having a second to clarify what i did/said was more then enough to send what remained of a "Friendship" off a skyrim-cliff. then the slightest drop of a pin was going to do it. that's how distant things have grown.
"Just what did you say?" well given this was me at the hottest of my temper and it's been long enough for my broken ass mind to "cool" off, alot escapes and we've both deleted each other off all forms of contact. they retain screenshots. but. i went off.. i started to swear, i got rude, crass, and my absolutely worst habit surfaced.. Self-Harm, i struck myself hard enough to split skin under my right-eye, and bruised heavily my left. i punched at my walls enough to redden my knuckles (but not bloody em.)and made it clear to them that it was what i had done.riiight as i was gong to shower off to start cooling down come back and apologize for things and *try to clarify what my poor attempt at timing was, to make clear i was NOT insinuating/accusing them of it. and got a talking to, a long 14 min voice message and just as that "flame" of my temper was about to snuff out, it sparked back into a roaring fire.
i responded in a way i wish i had'nt.. said roughly what kind of friends were we?, mentioned to a question their soulmate had stated and agreed that "no friends shouldn't stay the same forever , they do indeed change" and dove into self loathing pitty party crap. cause looking back at the height of when we were good friends and dating the person they now see in me to now?, i have changed and not for the better.
This is where i admitted to how far we distanced apart. How i've become cold, crass,rude, Nasty, Self-centered, selfish, manipulative. admitted im not exactly the best mate to my own. and said if the Voice message was going to be tearing me a new tail hole, i'd pass till the morning, and have-to explain to the hospital staff to now why i have two large shiners and split skin under the eye (tbh that's likely going to get the damn study put off till it clears up.). and "after all that im going to get a shower, fix something to eat and call it a early night." and in that time and coming back, the message history was gone.contact showed no longer a phone number but just a (!) a last seen: Never, and cleaned chat history. i was blocked everywhere.. here, steam telegram, bluesky, IB discord.. EVERYWHERE. i said peace on the last that hadn't yet been touched n quickly "error loading profile." (blocked there.)
so at the worst of myself i proved i had gone the same hellish path as my Ex. The same self pitty, the same Self-loathing, the same self-harm n self hating. and both no longer had the energy to see anyone they cared about go down this path... yes i had seen as we distanced apart.. but i didn't see or couldn't see they still gave a shit about my dumb-ass., i had known them for the most part about who they are *online* and one of em a bit IRL.and i just nuked them From orbit. people i had known since the early damn 2000's... friends i had known for the better part of 20 years. (or atleast is how it felt .)
Going forward there's going to be things/places completely offlimits for a good-long-while, since attending them will just.. dredge things up, and even if things were ever forgiven (but never forgotten. as i dont want this night to be.)its never going to be the same,.
There's no going back after this. what's done is done. And all i can do is reflect on this, Try to get better and move on. keep close to memories and learn from this.. there's a few people still keeping me sane left in my life, and if i value them like i should of who i just lost? is Seek help.
