**If you're just finding this journal, please read here:**
Looking back on it I think I was dealing with a bout of self-loathing when I started this, and my negativity got blown way out of proportion. I apologize if this made anyone worry about me; I'm okay now. This is not a regular thing for me.

But what about when you know that enemy is yourself? Don't think Sun Tzu thought of that when he wrote this line... Then again, just by the way the Art of War was written I don't think 'self-doubt' was in his list of personal traits. But who can know?

This is a slight rant journal - guess I'm just having one of those kinds of nights. Don't worry; I'm sure it'll pass; probably just some social anxiety... But while it's on my mind...

There are times I genuinely feel like I should not be heard... Ever. Especially in stressful situations, where I might say something wrong or, sound defensive/hostile, or if the situation carries on I might get snappish (like at an old job I had in summer of last year, where I unfortunately developed a bit of a negative reputation because of it). I do very much prefer to communicate by writing rather than speaking, for multiple reasons. The aforementioned stress, plus I stammer like Porky Pig, tripping over my own words constantly and sometimes having to settle on a different one because for some reason I just can't freaking say the one I'm trying to say. Yet even despite my preference to communicate by writing, I make a lot of mistakes - can't always blame auto-correct for them, especially if I'm not talking on a portable device, and every time I realize I do I get annoyed with myself.

I very much struggle with stress management as well; as mentioned above I developed a bad rep for it. I can usually push through these stressful situations if I am focused on them hard enough... But when someone talks to me during that situation, it causes me to become even more agitated. Especially if they want me to take my attention off the task I am focused on to look at something else that's happening - whether I need to know it or not; it doesn't matter. If it happens, I grow more frustrated for it - even when I realize that someone is trying to help me, yet I still lose my cool - and they don't deserve that.

I have always felt like I'm better on my own, because there's no one around to hear me so there's no one I can offend, but what worries me most of all about that is my mind's tendency to go to some dark places... Furthermore, I think this makes my introverted tendencies worse - the less often I'm around others, even if it makes me happy, the less able I am to deal with them when the time inevitably comes I have to, and once again this goes back to why I feel like I should not be heard because I fear I'm going to say something wrong.

This is just another in an increasing list of things I want to be better about; I want to be better at communicating, because I could only be a better person for it... But I don't know HOW to do this. The stress management, I could take a class for, but how do I keep my darker thoughts from slipping into my words, and end up saying something that may be unkind? Even if I'm not angry at the moment it happens, sometimes these hurtful words slip through...

I do not consider myself an unkind person... But I fear I have a tendency to be two-faced...