FA+
Shop
The Road From Sympathy To Apathy
2 years ago
General
The Sometimes Confusing Witticisms and Perplexing Perspectives of the Legendary Coyote of Apache Lore.
I actually had no idea this was a road. Never crossed my mind that someone capable of one thing could end up on the opposite side. It's happened to me this month. How did it happen? A persistent and continuous piling on of "bad things" until you become numb.
Since the start of December it has been this way. 2 cats ill, 2 huge vet bills, 2 people very close to me both dealing with cancer, and aging parent seeming to be on their way out as well. When I found one of my cats (Mr. Mittens) under the bed... passed roughly 12-24 hours ago... I should have felt something. Anything. A tear... a lil' bit of choking or tightness in the throat... sad feelings... ANYTHING. Instead, I simply sighed and prepped for burial and then put in freezer because it's cold and pouring rain for the next 24-48 hours. I'll deal with it when I can.
Now it's tomorrow and still I simply have a few passing memories of him float by every now and then... with still no more feeling than a rock. Sis's hubby is back in the hospital again... trouble with the chemo... 6 different cancers and several are stage 4. Las Vegas is giving him a million to one odds. Other close friend just had his spleen removed and a big ol' tumor as well. At least he's home resting with a good(?) prognosis. Why the (?) ? Because this is his 4th cancer fight to go along with 3 heart surgeries and various other ailments and surgeries. You get the feeling Death is on speed dial? And me? I just keep on rolling along. One foot in the grave and one on my skateboard. Mom now has 3 more sets of pills to enjoy for breakfast and dinner.
And I sit here typing this... numb to the core. If this keeps up I'll need to whack myself with a hammer to feel anything. :-/
Since the start of December it has been this way. 2 cats ill, 2 huge vet bills, 2 people very close to me both dealing with cancer, and aging parent seeming to be on their way out as well. When I found one of my cats (Mr. Mittens) under the bed... passed roughly 12-24 hours ago... I should have felt something. Anything. A tear... a lil' bit of choking or tightness in the throat... sad feelings... ANYTHING. Instead, I simply sighed and prepped for burial and then put in freezer because it's cold and pouring rain for the next 24-48 hours. I'll deal with it when I can.
Now it's tomorrow and still I simply have a few passing memories of him float by every now and then... with still no more feeling than a rock. Sis's hubby is back in the hospital again... trouble with the chemo... 6 different cancers and several are stage 4. Las Vegas is giving him a million to one odds. Other close friend just had his spleen removed and a big ol' tumor as well. At least he's home resting with a good(?) prognosis. Why the (?) ? Because this is his 4th cancer fight to go along with 3 heart surgeries and various other ailments and surgeries. You get the feeling Death is on speed dial? And me? I just keep on rolling along. One foot in the grave and one on my skateboard. Mom now has 3 more sets of pills to enjoy for breakfast and dinner.
And I sit here typing this... numb to the core. If this keeps up I'll need to whack myself with a hammer to feel anything. :-/
Vix
Vix
Don't think that there's anything inherently wrong with you, this is a normal thing. You're not cold, or evil, or uncaring. The fact that you are concerned about your lack of emotion towards things you should feel something about should be telling enough that you really do care, but there's just too much on your plate right now and your mind has walled itself off for its own protection.
There's a time and a place, to just put up walls and focus on yourself. This family member has cancer, that family member has cancer, and those things suck (I lost both of my parents in the same year last year to cancer, but I knew it was coming and both of them brought it upon themselves), but at the same time, you need to focus on getting yourself in a better place, and your mind has already started with that by walling itself off from the outside world emotionally.