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Gender, and its Discontents
a year ago
I have given this matter a great deal of thought in recent years. This is long, but please read through it before commenting. Content warnings apply for discussions of transphobia and kink matters.
"Whatever happened to Fay Wray
That delicate satin draped frame
As it clung to her thigh
How I started to cry
Cause I wanted to be dressed just the same"
- Frank N. Furter, the Rocky Horror Picture Show
“In a thousand years, there will be no men and women, just wankers, and that's fine by me.” - Renton, Trainspotting
When I was a teenager, around 15-17, I would frequently daydream about waking up one day as the female version of myself. I'd wake up in the alternate timeline in which I was born a girl. How would my life be different? Would my friends still be my friends? Would my room look the same? Would I like the same things, tabletop RPGs, computers, SF and fantasy novels? Would I .. kiss a boy?? I knew I wasn't that interested in kissing girls, although more accurately girls were not interested in kissing me.
I would swipe my mom's pantyhose and bras and makeup and try them on. I liked it, but I liked being in diapers even more. Mostly I liked the excitement of sneaking around and breaking taboos.
At 17, in the summer of 1989, after five years of denial and attempts to force heterosexuality, I looked myself in the mirror and said "I'm gay." My cross-dressing and gender questions resolved themselves and I knew what I was: a gay male. My interest in femininity in general fell to the wayside for several years.
At the age of 21 I got on the internet and found furry. At first I treated it like other fannish pursuits, like it was Warhammer or Trek fandom - I knew how to navigate spaces dominated by heterosexuals. Just push my sexuality into a small locked box and nudge it under the bed with a toe. I quickly learned that furry was not like other fandoms, even in those early days - it was quickly becoming a queer-positive social space, the alternative to gay bars and clubs that I had longed for after coming out.
For my slutty years in 90s furrydom my gender was Male, my orientation was Gay, and even for a time saw myself as one of those "ew vaginas" kinsey-6 gays that are rather tiresome.
But the needle was moved by, of all things, Doug Winger art. It was he and other artists of the time doing gleefully hyper artwork with, I'm sorry there isn't a better term for it, but "herms" and other intersex characters with boobs and cocks and pussies and all manner of combinations of fem and masc traits and genitals. I loved this art, and the free, unashamed hedonism of the hyper-herm concept. It was sex-positive, it was deeply queer but still nerdy, and it was frequently absurd and goofy and most of all shameless. that shamelessness is what drew me to it. And as a bonus, it got me out of my narrow focus on dicks and maleness that I was constrained by. It turned out boobs were hot too. Maybe I wasn’t exclusively gay, but a little bit bi.
I also always liked macro and micro fantasies, and while its a popular niche in furry, there's terabytes of the stuff with human women involved, the "Giantess/Shrinking Women" or "GTS/SW" field, and there was so much decent-quality GTS and SW porn art and writing that it seemed a waste NOT to get into it, and that helped overcome my aversions to cis fem bodies. I actually prefer size related pics with females over males. Alright, so I guess I’m pan.
Around this time in furry, the mid to late 1990s, I began to encounter trans people. My early opinions on the matter were not great - its safe to say I was somewhat transphobic. Even with my queerness and my flexibility about gender, I viewed trans fems as people who sought to join a much cooler club that they didn't have any right to be part of - standard TERF rhetoric, aided by the fact that the only conversations I really had were angry threads on FurryMUCK's public shout system - a precursor to Twitter where we were all prone to hot takes and sweeping judgements. I wasn't against trans people in theory - if they were quiet about it, that was fine.. but I viewed most of them as gays/lesbians in denial or a kind of lifestyle cosplayers. I know, I know. I got better. But it took awhile.
Through much of the 2000s I held those negative/dismissive attitudes about trans people, and didn't think much of it. But then I became closer friends with some other trans furs that weren't my usual sparring partners on FurryMUCK. And I began to read more and learn more and really listen to those friends. When I learned of the appalling rates of suicide and saw the vicious oppression that faced trans people for daring to express their true selves I realized that I had been a massive fool for years, and I went from indifferent/dismissive to Trans Ally. Especially after same-sex marriage rights had been won, it became quickly apparent that trans issues were the next major political battleground, and I wasn't going to side with the bad guys or fold up my tent.
In the 2010s I became more involved in kink, outside furrydom but adjacent to it, and several friends there were trans, especially in the ageplay/littles/ABDL communities that were a big part of my kink journey. I remember counting the littles in Camp Crucible one year and noticing the majority were trans -- because ageplay specifically gives trans people the chance to experience the childhood that they never got the first time around, and also because wearing diapers on HRT is actually kind of common because you pee a lot. In ABDL and littles circles you frequently meet "sissies" who are all ruffles and frills and mary jane shoes and in real life they're a military officer or a truck driver or a stevedore. You'd be fuckin amazed. But I'm not a sissy, and the hyper-feminine ABDL aesthetic doesn't do a lot for me. Maybe if they’re gigantic.. but anyways. ahem
Around this time I also began to meet and become friends with more non-binary furs, and once again had to overcome my inbuilt prejudices - mostly around the grammatical oddness of singular they/them pronouns, and a persistent belief that someone who is NB or bi-gender or neutroi or whatever is just claiming an identity because its cool or trendy. In the larger world "respect my pronouns" became a punchline and still is, on the right. the belief that "there are only 2 genders, its assigned to you at birth, and thats it forever" is straight up bullshit and falls apart with a seconds reasoning, but damn if it doesn't have a stranglehold on the larger culture.
Through all this journey and encounters with different people and genders and sexualities and identities, I just thought "thats great for them, I support them, but I'm a gay dude". Its pretty great privilege to be regarded as male, ngl, especially expertly passing as I do in socially-conservative situations. My everyday clothing, affect, beard, build, clocks me as a center-right cis Gen-X dude in his forties or fifties. You'd be amazed at the kind of things I get told by other people in my age cohort because they think I'm one of them. “I’m a white male, age 18-49. Everyone listens to me!” Who’d give that up voluntarily? Its hard enough to find a job as it is.
But then a couple years ago I started drawing Cargo as a girl, and created Cargie as a variant fursona. I always thought of myself as a boy little, but the color schemes and aesthetics moved away from masc and towards the middle. I fell in love with skirtalls and tutus and fairy wings and a scruffy but girly disheveled princess look.
Sexually I still love gayness as a concept and seeing two boys or two girls kissing is hot. And I’ll be honest: I love dicks. A whole lot. I never want to give them up, mine or someone elses. And yet. My gender feelings have became considerably more turbulent than they had been for several decades.
My attitude towards gender has always been that I want the all-access pass. That gender segregation is some bullshit, that I will buy the feminine skincare products and I don’t need “Loreal for MEN” in a black tactical package. I want the good stuff. I will wear pastel colors if I so choose. Or I will wear all black if I want. I will have a beard if I want. I will do and enjoy and like what I want and not worry about it being ‘manly’ or ‘girly’. People who get really hung up on gender-appropriate activities, clothing, or behavior, irk me. Gender as a social concept is bullshit and hopefully will fade over time. “A thousand years in the future, there will be no men or women, just wankers.” - I believe that. ALL THAT SAID thats just my journey. Your mileage may vary, and if you want to be super-fem or super-masculine or get gender confirmation surgery or anything like that, you have my blessing. Just dont get into andrew tate or jordan peterson.
What I’m saying is I think I’m one of those they/thems. I’m non-binary. At my age and with my physical appearance I don’t expect anyone to not assume “he/him” is my gender. And I dont want to make every conversation about me having to explain my pronouns to people. However. I’d appreciate it if going forward you referred to me as they/them. Thank you in advance. If you slip up its not a problem and i won't get mad at you. I will slip up myself. We'll all get through this together if we are patient with each other.
Thank you for reading all this.
"Whatever happened to Fay Wray
That delicate satin draped frame
As it clung to her thigh
How I started to cry
Cause I wanted to be dressed just the same"
- Frank N. Furter, the Rocky Horror Picture Show
“In a thousand years, there will be no men and women, just wankers, and that's fine by me.” - Renton, Trainspotting
When I was a teenager, around 15-17, I would frequently daydream about waking up one day as the female version of myself. I'd wake up in the alternate timeline in which I was born a girl. How would my life be different? Would my friends still be my friends? Would my room look the same? Would I like the same things, tabletop RPGs, computers, SF and fantasy novels? Would I .. kiss a boy?? I knew I wasn't that interested in kissing girls, although more accurately girls were not interested in kissing me.
I would swipe my mom's pantyhose and bras and makeup and try them on. I liked it, but I liked being in diapers even more. Mostly I liked the excitement of sneaking around and breaking taboos.
At 17, in the summer of 1989, after five years of denial and attempts to force heterosexuality, I looked myself in the mirror and said "I'm gay." My cross-dressing and gender questions resolved themselves and I knew what I was: a gay male. My interest in femininity in general fell to the wayside for several years.
At the age of 21 I got on the internet and found furry. At first I treated it like other fannish pursuits, like it was Warhammer or Trek fandom - I knew how to navigate spaces dominated by heterosexuals. Just push my sexuality into a small locked box and nudge it under the bed with a toe. I quickly learned that furry was not like other fandoms, even in those early days - it was quickly becoming a queer-positive social space, the alternative to gay bars and clubs that I had longed for after coming out.
For my slutty years in 90s furrydom my gender was Male, my orientation was Gay, and even for a time saw myself as one of those "ew vaginas" kinsey-6 gays that are rather tiresome.
But the needle was moved by, of all things, Doug Winger art. It was he and other artists of the time doing gleefully hyper artwork with, I'm sorry there isn't a better term for it, but "herms" and other intersex characters with boobs and cocks and pussies and all manner of combinations of fem and masc traits and genitals. I loved this art, and the free, unashamed hedonism of the hyper-herm concept. It was sex-positive, it was deeply queer but still nerdy, and it was frequently absurd and goofy and most of all shameless. that shamelessness is what drew me to it. And as a bonus, it got me out of my narrow focus on dicks and maleness that I was constrained by. It turned out boobs were hot too. Maybe I wasn’t exclusively gay, but a little bit bi.
I also always liked macro and micro fantasies, and while its a popular niche in furry, there's terabytes of the stuff with human women involved, the "Giantess/Shrinking Women" or "GTS/SW" field, and there was so much decent-quality GTS and SW porn art and writing that it seemed a waste NOT to get into it, and that helped overcome my aversions to cis fem bodies. I actually prefer size related pics with females over males. Alright, so I guess I’m pan.
Around this time in furry, the mid to late 1990s, I began to encounter trans people. My early opinions on the matter were not great - its safe to say I was somewhat transphobic. Even with my queerness and my flexibility about gender, I viewed trans fems as people who sought to join a much cooler club that they didn't have any right to be part of - standard TERF rhetoric, aided by the fact that the only conversations I really had were angry threads on FurryMUCK's public shout system - a precursor to Twitter where we were all prone to hot takes and sweeping judgements. I wasn't against trans people in theory - if they were quiet about it, that was fine.. but I viewed most of them as gays/lesbians in denial or a kind of lifestyle cosplayers. I know, I know. I got better. But it took awhile.
Through much of the 2000s I held those negative/dismissive attitudes about trans people, and didn't think much of it. But then I became closer friends with some other trans furs that weren't my usual sparring partners on FurryMUCK. And I began to read more and learn more and really listen to those friends. When I learned of the appalling rates of suicide and saw the vicious oppression that faced trans people for daring to express their true selves I realized that I had been a massive fool for years, and I went from indifferent/dismissive to Trans Ally. Especially after same-sex marriage rights had been won, it became quickly apparent that trans issues were the next major political battleground, and I wasn't going to side with the bad guys or fold up my tent.
In the 2010s I became more involved in kink, outside furrydom but adjacent to it, and several friends there were trans, especially in the ageplay/littles/ABDL communities that were a big part of my kink journey. I remember counting the littles in Camp Crucible one year and noticing the majority were trans -- because ageplay specifically gives trans people the chance to experience the childhood that they never got the first time around, and also because wearing diapers on HRT is actually kind of common because you pee a lot. In ABDL and littles circles you frequently meet "sissies" who are all ruffles and frills and mary jane shoes and in real life they're a military officer or a truck driver or a stevedore. You'd be fuckin amazed. But I'm not a sissy, and the hyper-feminine ABDL aesthetic doesn't do a lot for me. Maybe if they’re gigantic.. but anyways. ahem
Around this time I also began to meet and become friends with more non-binary furs, and once again had to overcome my inbuilt prejudices - mostly around the grammatical oddness of singular they/them pronouns, and a persistent belief that someone who is NB or bi-gender or neutroi or whatever is just claiming an identity because its cool or trendy. In the larger world "respect my pronouns" became a punchline and still is, on the right. the belief that "there are only 2 genders, its assigned to you at birth, and thats it forever" is straight up bullshit and falls apart with a seconds reasoning, but damn if it doesn't have a stranglehold on the larger culture.
Through all this journey and encounters with different people and genders and sexualities and identities, I just thought "thats great for them, I support them, but I'm a gay dude". Its pretty great privilege to be regarded as male, ngl, especially expertly passing as I do in socially-conservative situations. My everyday clothing, affect, beard, build, clocks me as a center-right cis Gen-X dude in his forties or fifties. You'd be amazed at the kind of things I get told by other people in my age cohort because they think I'm one of them. “I’m a white male, age 18-49. Everyone listens to me!” Who’d give that up voluntarily? Its hard enough to find a job as it is.
But then a couple years ago I started drawing Cargo as a girl, and created Cargie as a variant fursona. I always thought of myself as a boy little, but the color schemes and aesthetics moved away from masc and towards the middle. I fell in love with skirtalls and tutus and fairy wings and a scruffy but girly disheveled princess look.
Sexually I still love gayness as a concept and seeing two boys or two girls kissing is hot. And I’ll be honest: I love dicks. A whole lot. I never want to give them up, mine or someone elses. And yet. My gender feelings have became considerably more turbulent than they had been for several decades.
My attitude towards gender has always been that I want the all-access pass. That gender segregation is some bullshit, that I will buy the feminine skincare products and I don’t need “Loreal for MEN” in a black tactical package. I want the good stuff. I will wear pastel colors if I so choose. Or I will wear all black if I want. I will have a beard if I want. I will do and enjoy and like what I want and not worry about it being ‘manly’ or ‘girly’. People who get really hung up on gender-appropriate activities, clothing, or behavior, irk me. Gender as a social concept is bullshit and hopefully will fade over time. “A thousand years in the future, there will be no men or women, just wankers.” - I believe that. ALL THAT SAID thats just my journey. Your mileage may vary, and if you want to be super-fem or super-masculine or get gender confirmation surgery or anything like that, you have my blessing. Just dont get into andrew tate or jordan peterson.
What I’m saying is I think I’m one of those they/thems. I’m non-binary. At my age and with my physical appearance I don’t expect anyone to not assume “he/him” is my gender. And I dont want to make every conversation about me having to explain my pronouns to people. However. I’d appreciate it if going forward you referred to me as they/them. Thank you in advance. If you slip up its not a problem and i won't get mad at you. I will slip up myself. We'll all get through this together if we are patient with each other.
Thank you for reading all this.
Stay awesome, my friend.
While I'm not as old as you, I'm at least old enough to remember Doug Winger and I think it's safe to say he probably shaped the interests of a lot of us who saw his work in the 90's and early 00's. And there's also the fun fact he did some backgrounds for The Angry Beavers, that was one of my favorite shows!
More importantly, I want to touch on gender and sexuality because that's something that's a bit simple for me to say in some areas, and not so much in others; specifically, when I'm talking about myself. For over a decade now, I've identified as female, struggle with my appearance due to lack of money, and yeah it's pretty rough at times. At least it's different here. Sexually, that's where I'm like "what's the right word?" Like you, I like dicks, and I like my own dick. I don't want a vagina, I'm not turned on by that. That said, I like breasts, huge ones, I'd squeeze a pair if allowed. So I'm not "guys only", but I'm also not bi because I don't like vaginas. "Pan" also has that implication, I think...
Okay, maybe I'm going a tad off-topic by leaning more into sex than gender, but that's what I started thinking off.
I've started using they/them in conjuction with he/him because of one OC I gave a lot of attention to and their presentation felt kind of right to adopt for myself . I wish I could explain in plain words but it's a feeling that's right.
That being said, I hear you and I feel you and I wish you well on trying to find yourself and be yourself in all this madness. At least in this day and age there are better definitions and more flexibility out there than there used to be.
And Gods bless Doug Winger.
Welcome home.
I'm glad that you're still working through it.