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2024 - Year of Discovery
2 years ago
General
2023 was another one of the hardest years of my life. It began with me quitting my job which was draining me mentally and physically for more than five years. Thankfully, I had enough savings stored away for me to survive. But that is about all I did last year - survive. It wasn't entirely a bad thing, though I am essentially starting from step one again. I spent the majority of my free time discovering myself and attempting to move forward. I began meditating, going for walks, dopamine fasting, and trying to push myself outside of my comfort zone. I started DMing, dated with three potential partners that did not work out, and started voicing myself on social media a bit more. I started two other jobs that lasted no more than a few months at a time and since have been unemployed. I have been fighting again to find something better within the last couple of weeks, however. Hopefully, something lands.
I discovered some ways to help with my chronic pain. I feel way, WAY more energized. There was a time where every single day I felt like a zombie but now I feel fairly alright. Most of my exhaustion is caused by staring at a screen all day and not moving. I have started going for long walks as soon as I get up and it truly changes my entire day. I dropped from 240 lbs to 230 lbs without trying. This is because I have not eaten nearly as much as I used to as a means to save money. I have been living incredibly frugally for the majority of the year, choosing to eat things like rice and bread instead of eating out. I do question what I want constantly in this aspect of my life. Is the fetish worth the negative aspects it creates for my health? Will I ever find a partner that understands this side of me? There is no denying that I enjoy being heavy. I only feel more comfortable being larger. Perhaps the issue with my relationships isn't how I look, but my confidence. I just need to be real with people.
I've started to listen to podcasts such as Andrew Huberman which has informed me of steps to take better care of my physical and mental health. I began journaling, stretching, and meditating nearly every single day. There are a few times where I fell off of a routine for about a week but I always came back strong. It is becoming a bit easier now to stick with a routine, but there are days when I falter. That is alright though because those missed days are becoming less and less prevalent.
I have been slacking on school. I am not learning much beyond what is required, and sometimes I feel as if I have lost all creativity. I am going to school for game development. Some days I feel driven to discover new things and can sometimes spend an entire day making something unique, but most days I feel like it drags. I picked up the Pomodoro technique, which is 25 minutes working, 5 minutes resting, and that helps occasionally. Most of the time it doesn't. I still feel as if I am unsure of who I really am sometimes and why I try. One of my goals is to create video games that teach stories about life to those with absent parents and mentors, much like how I grew up. I believe games can be an incredibly emotionally challenging form of media that no other form of media can accomplish. The thing is, there are some aspects of game development that I really dislike, most notably coding. Coding sucks XD
I've also realized that many of the people that I have surrounded myself with are very, very different than me. Everyone has challenges in life, I understand that. But some are more privileged than others. My friends from high school have graduated and have been coasting since before Covid. It is something that I sometimes wonder what it would be like to step into their shoes, which I try not to do because it is very unhealthy. But since I am around them nearly every single day, it is difficult. I just feel like my childhood is missing sometimes. Envy is something that is buried deep within myself and I feel like I have to climb a much steeper staircase than others.
With all of this in mind, I have concluded that I don't feel the sense of accomplishment that many others do after doing a difficult task. I've had to make some incredibly difficult decisions and do tasks nobody else wanted to do in my life, sometimes every single day. Was I rewarded? Not at all. This negativity must have been something that has sprouted from my job of five years. I did what I needed to do to survive, and I pushed myself up a corporate, dead-end ladder until there was no higher position. I think if I begin something like that again, my brain will fold in on itself. I nearly discovered that when I was working in IT for a few months. I think I need to reward myself in some way that makes me happy, but I honestly don't know how. I've never been on a vacation and I keep asking others what I should do. Between Covid and my childhood, I haven't explored anything in my life. Perhaps in 2024, I should start to do that.
Yeah, maybe 2024 marks the year when I just go out and explore. I need to see new things instead of staying inside my little box of a room. And I need to FORCE myself to spend money on those things. Otherwise, I'll just be a dragon and stockpile money like I did before and lose hope again. I think I want to go to conventions. Maybe you'll see me at some! I'll try to notify if I decide to go to one on here. I'm going to keep marching forward with a positive attitude no matter what. Let's go strong into the new year!
I discovered some ways to help with my chronic pain. I feel way, WAY more energized. There was a time where every single day I felt like a zombie but now I feel fairly alright. Most of my exhaustion is caused by staring at a screen all day and not moving. I have started going for long walks as soon as I get up and it truly changes my entire day. I dropped from 240 lbs to 230 lbs without trying. This is because I have not eaten nearly as much as I used to as a means to save money. I have been living incredibly frugally for the majority of the year, choosing to eat things like rice and bread instead of eating out. I do question what I want constantly in this aspect of my life. Is the fetish worth the negative aspects it creates for my health? Will I ever find a partner that understands this side of me? There is no denying that I enjoy being heavy. I only feel more comfortable being larger. Perhaps the issue with my relationships isn't how I look, but my confidence. I just need to be real with people.
I've started to listen to podcasts such as Andrew Huberman which has informed me of steps to take better care of my physical and mental health. I began journaling, stretching, and meditating nearly every single day. There are a few times where I fell off of a routine for about a week but I always came back strong. It is becoming a bit easier now to stick with a routine, but there are days when I falter. That is alright though because those missed days are becoming less and less prevalent.
I have been slacking on school. I am not learning much beyond what is required, and sometimes I feel as if I have lost all creativity. I am going to school for game development. Some days I feel driven to discover new things and can sometimes spend an entire day making something unique, but most days I feel like it drags. I picked up the Pomodoro technique, which is 25 minutes working, 5 minutes resting, and that helps occasionally. Most of the time it doesn't. I still feel as if I am unsure of who I really am sometimes and why I try. One of my goals is to create video games that teach stories about life to those with absent parents and mentors, much like how I grew up. I believe games can be an incredibly emotionally challenging form of media that no other form of media can accomplish. The thing is, there are some aspects of game development that I really dislike, most notably coding. Coding sucks XD
I've also realized that many of the people that I have surrounded myself with are very, very different than me. Everyone has challenges in life, I understand that. But some are more privileged than others. My friends from high school have graduated and have been coasting since before Covid. It is something that I sometimes wonder what it would be like to step into their shoes, which I try not to do because it is very unhealthy. But since I am around them nearly every single day, it is difficult. I just feel like my childhood is missing sometimes. Envy is something that is buried deep within myself and I feel like I have to climb a much steeper staircase than others.
With all of this in mind, I have concluded that I don't feel the sense of accomplishment that many others do after doing a difficult task. I've had to make some incredibly difficult decisions and do tasks nobody else wanted to do in my life, sometimes every single day. Was I rewarded? Not at all. This negativity must have been something that has sprouted from my job of five years. I did what I needed to do to survive, and I pushed myself up a corporate, dead-end ladder until there was no higher position. I think if I begin something like that again, my brain will fold in on itself. I nearly discovered that when I was working in IT for a few months. I think I need to reward myself in some way that makes me happy, but I honestly don't know how. I've never been on a vacation and I keep asking others what I should do. Between Covid and my childhood, I haven't explored anything in my life. Perhaps in 2024, I should start to do that.
Yeah, maybe 2024 marks the year when I just go out and explore. I need to see new things instead of staying inside my little box of a room. And I need to FORCE myself to spend money on those things. Otherwise, I'll just be a dragon and stockpile money like I did before and lose hope again. I think I want to go to conventions. Maybe you'll see me at some! I'll try to notify if I decide to go to one on here. I'm going to keep marching forward with a positive attitude no matter what. Let's go strong into the new year!
