So I sit here and look at 2023 and I'm quite a bit disappointed with myself. It absolutely for me was a year of procrastination. Whether it was doing art projects, blender projects, home improvement or rebuilding my pc, I've been putting it off further and further. Sometimes I just kept crushing down the trash can instead of taking it out, sometimes I just, lay in the tub without the water running for half an hour... I think it's called Apathy? There's just no motivation to do anything and boy, I just... feel morbidly unsatisfied with my life this year.

All in all I'm not happy with how lax, even lazy I've gotten. I know why I'm this way though, I keep finding myself more and more worried about missing out on time with friends who I depend on, I keep leaning on them too heavily and burning them out, sometimes so badly that they need to take a vacation. I just wanna vibe with em and laugh and feel the good feelings of comradarie and friendship, but I often find myself sidelined by culture clash or just different tastes. I often just find myself only getting to watch as they laugh and play games and poke fun at eachother or party for someone's birthday because the games they play I don't own, the way the party isn't my style, and I don't understand their humor. Sometimes I just, straight up don't get invited to things because I'm too different, or I'm so eager to hang out and chill that its repulsive to everyone else. It's not always like this mind you but it feels like that the majority of the time.

Now normally this is where I'd cheer myself up by reflecting on my achievements, but I really don't have hardly any this year, if any at all. Maybe, MAYBE my biggest achievement is that I'm finally up to snuff on my car maintenance so I don't have to worry about dumping a bunch of money into it barring any unforeseen accidents for atleast a few years. I broke my record this year for the longest stint of holding a job with a single employer, and for Christmas my boss asked me if I'd be willing to accept a promotion which would raise my hourly rate by almost 25%. If only I actually liked my job.

Its just a year feeling like I've either gone nowhere or gone backwards. My art for example, so much less of it done this year and the quality is going down at a disturbingly rapid rate. I'm not capable of reproducing stuff I did last year and I'm frankly too ashamed to share anything in the last 6 months I've tried and lost patience on sketching. Or even my own health. I started this year by getting more exercise equipment and even joining a fitness group but, I havent been to it in months nor have I worked out at home. I'm gaining weight again and getting more round.

I'm just, I'm not doing well I suppose, mostly mentally, physically I'm slightly worse off than I used to be but not irreversibly.

As far as everything I wanted to get done this year, I'm quite disappointed with it.
Originally I wanted to 'grow my confidence' this year and move past second guessing or not speaking up for myself. I suppose in a way I've made progress though it feels more like I've overcompensated into assholeism territory; I still second guess myself but knowingly push passed it but more importantly I stand my ground in my friend groups and it starts fights as a result. Doesn't matter if I'm the one suggesting something or sharing my opinion about a topic, someone's gonna disagree and insist "no Levi you're wrong and you don't know what you're talking about and don't know how to properly research that topic in the first place." Then everyone bounces because nobody wants to hear bickering and I'm just left at a loss.

I'm still antisocial in a room full of people I don't know, though I've managed to expand my acquaintanceship horizons somewhat.

I didn't do a single one of my construction projects this year, and my gardening ended in disaster when my apathy was so intensely bad I just... stopped watering the plants. Stupid excuse I know and I'm so ashamed as a result, but like... I just couldn't make myself get out of bed some days, and I'd just lay there and look out the window at those plants, almost hearing them beg me for water, and I'd just stare, motionless. I bought so many seeds and soil and fertilizer and other goodies to make a beautiful and productive herbal and vegetable garden and I just killed it all by July. Ugh...

And even though I didn't hardly do any art at all it was all NSFW content, which I wanted to expand on family friendly stuff and lorebuilding for my universe, maybe even write some chapters, and I've done NONE of that.

I failed my 2023 new years resolution entirely and I just... I got no explanations. I just... when it came time to do literally anything, I just didn't want to do it. So I didn't, and now I get to see a year of disappointment and regret as a result.

I don't know what 2024 is gonna bring but I'm... worried, for my future. If this apathy seeps into my work ethic I dunno what I'm gonna do, cuz there aint a lot left in this small rural area to do if I loose this job. I wouldn't say I'm frightened at the prospect, but I mean, even just thinking about the consequences is filling me with this attitude of “why even bother.” Idk... just... Happy new years I guess, I'm gonna keep my resolution simple; about all I want this year is to pull my shit together and start making some forward progress.

See y'all around, sorry this isn't a more inspiring report.
Leviticus