(TW: A Very Rambly Vent)
I... really wish I didn't see my personal value in my ability to pump out content...
it's not even a selfless thing, i find myself very selfish at times, certainly recently, not wanting to talk to people, not wanting to draw commissions.

And yet, I have succeeded. I've succeeded where many my age and older failed. I have a following drawing art for the last 10+ years, I have many great friends who love and care for me and I make enough to survive comfortably... so why do I struggle with being happy?

I have been told many times that burnout is understandable, and not to beat myself up over it... but what happens when it's one of the few things that gives your life meaning? It does not shock me at all that I find myself leaning on substances and alcohol to NOT think about it.

Hell, one of my resolutions this year is to drop weed because it fucks up my diet and leaves me in a state of deeper self hatred, internally screaming "STOP EATING! STOP! YOU'RE RUINING WHAT YOU ACCOMPLISHED! THINK OF THE 30 POUNDS YOU LOST!" as I down another bag of chips.

Yes, I know the irony of THIS account's owner being concerned with her weight, I've already made that remark about being a vegan/vegetarian drawing vore. Please spare me the jokes.
Normally, they are funny, they aren't right now.

I worry sometimes that I am returning to being that misanthropic piece of shit that i had to ---- in me years ago. I worry that deep down, I may see my friends as just collectibles, to showcase as some pathetic example of "look at me, I know people, I'm a cool bitch, haha! B)"

I sometimes worry that those who have been good to me, who have welcomed me into their lives (hell in some cases, literally welcomed me into their homes) are just humoring me. Just taking pity on a foolish jackass who fumbled her way into some trace of status.

I know a lot of those worries are just fucking unfounded bullshit, i DO appreciate every single follow, every single like, every single friend, every single compliment and criticism... but god, does that part of my head make it hard to accept...

I know there's a term for this, but i got nothing right now.
The worst part is that so many of my issues would subside if i just picked up the pen, or the guitar, or FL Studio, or even a controller, because even playing a game is productive to me... but I don't always wanna.

Please don't worry like... WORRY worry for me. I may not value my own life much, but I don't devalue life as a whole. I wanna keep living, and I will. I just don't know what the fuck to do half the time...

Sorry for subjecting you all to this. I just have a lot of shit on my mind. If you read all this, I thank you.
For your patience, for your care, for your willingness to deal with my bullshit. I love you all, and you're all awesome.

Keep embracing your cringe~
-Xoe