It's more than fair to say that with my life all screwed up right now. I'm not really the perfect guy, friend or partner at all. The simple fact of the matter is that the days have been kind of getting away from me. Since I work the graveyard shift at my job for a little under $16 an hour, it is the best way I can earn income so I can make sure that my bills are paid and keep the wolves from coming to the door. I have been trying to look for other opportunities to get back on the morning shift with the same amount of pay at my current place of employment or at another company altogether. However I have been rejected because my experience isn't really up to par with most companies or they just take one look at me and say that I'm not what they are looking for.

Lately I have been finding myself getting sick all the time and I am trying to seek out medical attention to see what has been going on with me. I won't go into details as I don't want to gross out anyone here. But I have not been feeling well for quite a long time. As for my mental state, that has been suffering a lot as well. Instead of people being actual friends whom support me or wish to do stuff with me, I've been finding myself in just a role as a role-player for them to enact their fantasies on, just being there as a cuddle buddy when I am just trying to say "I don't want to do this" but I have never had the guts to say it because I am afraid that they will just leave me like so many others have done during my time as a furry. People have left because they don't understand my home situations at all and don't feel like reading between the lines or because they hate the way my characters look.

Characters are one thing, but the real life me is another. If you want to treat the latter as a joke, then I really don't want to hang out or have anything to do with you anymore. And those that I have tried to be friends with but just seem to ignore me for even when I say hello, that goes for you as well.

Right now, this is what I am feeling: PAIN
An unprecedented, indescribable amount of pain in my body and in my mind. I can't tell you all how long I have been feeling this way. I absolutely hate myself to no end. And I have been doing my damn hardest to try and change my situation, but either I get stuck or sink further. Most of the time, people don't ask...so I suffer in silence. It has made me sick and tired and to really drive the point home, it has left me BROKEN.

I don't have the talents like the rest of you all do. I can't draw because I live in a family home and I don't get enough space and privacy. I can't do voice acting because I don't have the equipment to properly do it like sound padded interior walls.
I lack connections around here because other than trying to get commissions for people that I like, that's all I really have to offer. I've got nothing else to offer. I would offer my friendship, but I feel like I may just get slapped in the face, figuratively. Maybe I am lame, maybe I have nothing else going on for me...but it is not like I put myself in this situation on purpose...I try to go do what people ask me to do because I have always put others ahead of what I needed. I have literally suffered from it.
2023 is a prime example of it as it is the year I have caught Covid twice.

I just want to let you all, just because I have been silent about my life...doesn't mean that it is perfect or anything., it is far from that fact. I don't tell you all this because I don't want my problems to be yours and for other fact that I don't think many of you would care. Not saying ALL, I said MANY.

For those that say I don't care, I do care...however my energy is nearly at zero almost everyday because I work in a job that does nothing to really say they care for their employees and my home life does not make it any better. Sometimes I find it better to just disappear like I never existed. That is how painful my life is right now.

I had to come out with this for many reasons. You guys don't know what it is like to look in the mirror every day and want to punch the glass because you hate what it reflects. If you guys want to tear me down, go ahead. It's nothing I've not heard before. I'm trying to climb out of this hole I am in, but it isn't easy when your friends just watch you do so or when they figuratively throw you a rope to help you climb out and as a sick joke...they cut the rope.