UPDATE: The text of this journal is no longer accurate. I will keep it up as evidence of my mental state at the time. I have added more information to the bottom of the journal.

As you know, on the 12th of December, I backed out of my commitment to exit the NSFW furry community, believing that I was not ready to go that far. In the weeks since, my mental and physical wellbeing has only gotten worse, as the addiction to pornography I was once able to regulate has spiralled out of control. Comparing how I feel now to how I felt when I was getting ready to quit, it's obvious that sticking around was not the right decision.

And yet, I've been afraid to walk away from all of this, because I genuinely love what I can find here. I love all the inventive fanart and the commissions I've gotten, and I really do wish I could keep getting more. But while my passion for erotic furry art has gotten stronger, my passion for everything else has withered and died.

There are so many things I wish I could enjoy doing- clearing out my game backlog, catching up on tv shows, learning new artistic skills, even basic self-maintenance. But instead all I do is lie in bed and wank, because i had a passing thought about a cute character a couple of hours ago and porn is all I could think about since.

I've always been absolutely terrible with managing delayed gratification. If I have items in my pantry more complicated to prepare than "open and eat from package," I often leave it to spoil while I fill up on snack food and give myself indigestion. And I struggle to do everything a healthy adult needs to do every morning when nothing is stopping me from just browsing smut on my phone instead.

I've had my doubts about this fandom for several months... maybe even years. I have so many opportunities to make myself something better, so much support to improve and maintain myself, but I've never made the effort.

I think the reason why is that I'm afraid of failure. If there's a good chance that all the effort I put in won't get me to where I want to go, what sense does it make to try? Because the old adage isn't true- it absolutely CAN hurt to try.

I feel like I'm lying on a bed of nails at the bottom of a deep pit. Sure, I could climb up the walls of the pit and try to escape out the top, but if I lost my grip and fell- or worse, if I was pushed- the pain of falling onto the nails would far exceed the pain of lying on them. And I don't even know if what awaits me outside the pit isn't just more nails.

By keeping my FA and e6 accounts active, I am conceding defeat, refusing to change and improve as a person. Every smutty fanart I fave, every word of sexual AU fanfic lore I write, every single erotic interaction, is a step further into the depths of depravity. My physical and mental health will continue to decline, my inner turmoil will churn unabated, until the strain I place on the ones I love becomes unbearable, and I am deprived of what little pleasure I have left.

Or, I could change.

Instead of continuing to languish in thoughtless hedonism until my support rots out underneath me, dooming me to a lifetime of greater suffering, I could quit this addiction. I would logout of all my furry accounts, cleanse my devices of pornographic content, and restrict my dark urges to my imagination. This too would involve great suffering, but at least there's a chance that suffering would eventually end.

So, I've decided that I will leave on February 1st, and this time I mean it. I don't think I will ever be able to heal unless I do. To everyone reading this journal, if you care about me in any way outside of being an occasional source of sexy art and comms, please help me commit to this exit. Do not allow me to hang around after January faving submissions and asking for commissions as if I'm not suffering on the inside. Remind me of how all this really makes me feel, and make sure all my SinkingStone accounts fall silent.

I know who I am, and I know I won't be able to stay away forever. At some point, after I've left, I'll make my return, ready to contribute my ideas once again. And when I do, one of two things will be true: either I've become capable of maintaining a stable and independent lifestyle, or I never will.

Thank you for supporting me for the past decade.

UPDATE: I don't think I can follow through on the exit I've planned above. I actually have a doctor's appointment on the 30th, so I'm going to stick around at least until I have a plan based on that. So you can assume I'm not leaving after all.