I won't open this journal with any positive platitudes, because I am not optimistic about my near future.

I enrolled in part-time university around the beginning of March, hoping to develop the skills to turn my life around. Seven weeks of the most brutal stress and anxiety I've felt in recent memory followed that decision.

I have not touched my coursework for several days now. My place in this unit exists in a state of limbo. I'm not strong enough to confront the work I have to do, but I'm too afraid of letting everyone down to officially withdraw.

Now more than ever, I have to consider the possibility that I will indeed never change. I may never be able to earn a higher income, or improve my physical and mental wellbeing. I have to be prepared for the worst outcome, as I feel myself barreling towards it like a plane with busted engines falling from the sky.

I will be taking a hiatus on new commissions for the rest of May. I still have a few commissions I've yet to upload, and am waiting on some artists to complete commissions I've already booked and paid for, so I shouldn't be completely inactive, but other than that I'm stepping back from my role as an art commissioner.

This is partly to ensure I can afford the Switch 2 and its paraphernalia when they release in June, true, but I also need to see just how far my current pension stretches in an increasingly expensive world. There's a good chance that I'll simply have no more room for commissions anymore.

I do want things to be better for me, but I don't really feel hopeful anymore.