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Deeply grieving the loss of a friend
2 years ago
From late 2020 to mid-2022 I had a close online friend/RP partner. I quickly developed an obsession with said friend, accompanied by romantic feelings and a debilitating, all-encompassing desire to have those feelings reciprocated. I am married and monogamous so that is not Ok. I came to realize that our “platonic friendship” was an emotional affair, and that my feelings for him were a type of obsessive romantic delusion called Limerence.
So I was a married woman, pining 24/7 for the attentions and love of another man. I could not express or act on my feelings. My friend frequently and unintentionally said and did things that deeply hurt me (like openly ogle other women in front of me). Every conversation with him was a trigger minefield. I was absolutely overwhelmed with shame, guilt, self-loathing, frustration, resentment and despair.
I abruptly went No Contact with him in July 2022, citing “mental health issues” and “needing an internet break.”
Since then, I have been mired in despair and heartbreak, trying to mend the damage I did to my marriage and psyche. I am still deeply grieving the loss of a “love” that mostly happened in my head. I am also deeply mourning the loss of a good friend and muse.
I am experiencing what is called disenfranchised grief: “A loss that's not openly acknowledged, socially mourned, or publicly supported.” Unlike a death or an actual breakup, people do not know how to respond to, or empathize with, a situation like mine. People do not give a shit about someone deeply mourning the loss of a friend or an emotional affair partner, especially a year and half after the fact. So I grieve alone.
This is also a form of ambiguous grief: “A profound sense of loss and sadness that is not associated with a death of a loved one.”Because this person is still alive, and because there were huge things left unsaid, there is no closure.
I continue to navigate a trigger minefield: Interests that I shared with my friend now feel ruined and poisoned because they remind me of painful experiences with him. I have tried hard to form new, more positive associations with these things, but haven’t been successful. So I feel like I have lost parts of myself.
I could unblock him, message him right now and lay all my cards on the table, but what good would that do? All the online advice for people in situations like mine says, “DON’T DO THAT.” It would accomplish nothing good and just re-open a Pandora’s box.
I keep trying to heal: Therapist after therapist, antidepressant after antidepressant, self-help book after self-help book. Hypnosis. EMDR. But the healing has not come. Maybe it will come in time. Maybe it never will?
So I was a married woman, pining 24/7 for the attentions and love of another man. I could not express or act on my feelings. My friend frequently and unintentionally said and did things that deeply hurt me (like openly ogle other women in front of me). Every conversation with him was a trigger minefield. I was absolutely overwhelmed with shame, guilt, self-loathing, frustration, resentment and despair.
I abruptly went No Contact with him in July 2022, citing “mental health issues” and “needing an internet break.”
Since then, I have been mired in despair and heartbreak, trying to mend the damage I did to my marriage and psyche. I am still deeply grieving the loss of a “love” that mostly happened in my head. I am also deeply mourning the loss of a good friend and muse.
I am experiencing what is called disenfranchised grief: “A loss that's not openly acknowledged, socially mourned, or publicly supported.” Unlike a death or an actual breakup, people do not know how to respond to, or empathize with, a situation like mine. People do not give a shit about someone deeply mourning the loss of a friend or an emotional affair partner, especially a year and half after the fact. So I grieve alone.
This is also a form of ambiguous grief: “A profound sense of loss and sadness that is not associated with a death of a loved one.”Because this person is still alive, and because there were huge things left unsaid, there is no closure.
I continue to navigate a trigger minefield: Interests that I shared with my friend now feel ruined and poisoned because they remind me of painful experiences with him. I have tried hard to form new, more positive associations with these things, but haven’t been successful. So I feel like I have lost parts of myself.
I could unblock him, message him right now and lay all my cards on the table, but what good would that do? All the online advice for people in situations like mine says, “DON’T DO THAT.” It would accomplish nothing good and just re-open a Pandora’s box.
I keep trying to heal: Therapist after therapist, antidepressant after antidepressant, self-help book after self-help book. Hypnosis. EMDR. But the healing has not come. Maybe it will come in time. Maybe it never will?
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