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im tired
a year ago
I'm Tired
And what I mean is that i'm frustrated of feeling like i'm reaching for the unattainable and still having faith in myself that it will happen someday. Here's the thing, I currently live in Southern California, turned 30 last year still under the roof of my folks, about 4-5 days a week i have to ballance my part time job being a caretaker for my sister as well as attend two art gigs at Furality and Helluva Boss, and usually on the weekends I try to catch up on finishing up commissioned artwork if I'm not babysitting my 2 yr old nephew. I had to quit doing customer service and food service jobs last year due to mental health and being at the tail end of college. I also don't operate well under pressure and high paced tasks.
For the past decade all i wanted to do is finish college and hopefully be able to move out and find a stable job being in a studio as a full time artist. At least that's what my follks wanted me to do. Dont get me wrong, to a large degree that's what I personally want too. But not once have I considered if that's what I want to do as much as i should. I regret not setting enough boundaries, I regret not having opportunities to standing up for myself when my folks tell me off.
For those who are unaware, I come from a filipino-american family. I'm also pretty sure many other backgrounds and generations can relate as well when I say this. I'm lucky that i'm part of a culture where living at home as an adult isn't as stigmatized as majority of western countries, but it also comes with a price where I can't feel obligated to set boundaries because I was taught that setting boundaries means disrespecting my folks. Up to this day i have problems saying no to people because deep down I feel that i'm letting them down and i'm in the wrong for doing that. I tell myself that i'm blessed to have friends to talk to so why risk loosing them by disappointing them?
My overall point is, I'm tired of feel like i'm falling behind. I don't want to feel like things aren't going to change on top of falling under the same routine just to get by. I wan't to eventually move out and at least be with someone I can be comfortable sharing a space with. I want to work at a job that i've been attaining for the past 10 years, I want to no longer think that the only easy way out is fucking death.
I'm tired.
And what I mean is that i'm frustrated of feeling like i'm reaching for the unattainable and still having faith in myself that it will happen someday. Here's the thing, I currently live in Southern California, turned 30 last year still under the roof of my folks, about 4-5 days a week i have to ballance my part time job being a caretaker for my sister as well as attend two art gigs at Furality and Helluva Boss, and usually on the weekends I try to catch up on finishing up commissioned artwork if I'm not babysitting my 2 yr old nephew. I had to quit doing customer service and food service jobs last year due to mental health and being at the tail end of college. I also don't operate well under pressure and high paced tasks.
For the past decade all i wanted to do is finish college and hopefully be able to move out and find a stable job being in a studio as a full time artist. At least that's what my follks wanted me to do. Dont get me wrong, to a large degree that's what I personally want too. But not once have I considered if that's what I want to do as much as i should. I regret not setting enough boundaries, I regret not having opportunities to standing up for myself when my folks tell me off.
For those who are unaware, I come from a filipino-american family. I'm also pretty sure many other backgrounds and generations can relate as well when I say this. I'm lucky that i'm part of a culture where living at home as an adult isn't as stigmatized as majority of western countries, but it also comes with a price where I can't feel obligated to set boundaries because I was taught that setting boundaries means disrespecting my folks. Up to this day i have problems saying no to people because deep down I feel that i'm letting them down and i'm in the wrong for doing that. I tell myself that i'm blessed to have friends to talk to so why risk loosing them by disappointing them?
My overall point is, I'm tired of feel like i'm falling behind. I don't want to feel like things aren't going to change on top of falling under the same routine just to get by. I wan't to eventually move out and at least be with someone I can be comfortable sharing a space with. I want to work at a job that i've been attaining for the past 10 years, I want to no longer think that the only easy way out is fucking death.
I'm tired.
I also think you are FAR from 'falling behind'! Doing work with Furality and Helluva Boss is a wonderful thing I think you'd agree. Did you think you'd get to have those opportunities 5 years ago? It sounds like things have changed for you, if you stop to really think about it.
I get you feel too tied down with your family obligations and wanting more independence though, and wanting a more meaningful change to your life. As long as you keep going and looking for more art gigs and building your reputation and setting your boundaries, change will be bound to come!
Weird. Maybe a little too fast. I moved out when I was 19, spent time living with friends as roommates and living in not great conditions. But, it offered lessons. Ordeals. and it helped me raise my own standards for my own self.
I didn't meet my partner, my first boyfriend, until 5 ish years ago, and I'm turning 39 in two months. You put yourself out there and be willing to meet folks, I'm sure you'll meet someone when you least expect it. I can actually guarantee that. As far as living on your own... Well, finding people that you might wanna live with is a good start. See if friends would want to get their own place to live together and go from there. Easier said then done I know but... well, small steps. You take them as best as you can.
I wish I had more solutions and options to give you, but I don't want to overstep any boundaries, for starters. Just know that I'm wishin' you the best. Always.
I can sympathize with your frustrations and worries of eventually becoming independent. Days seem to blend together, and it feels like a wash, rinse, repeat cycle every day. You’re not alone in that regard. However, as long as we keep pushing towards our goals and the future we want for ourselves, I believe that we’ll make them a reality.
We’re all on our own paths in this world. We’ll learn different things, do things at different times, and accomplish different feats. You’ve accomplished so much already, Jarggy! I simply cannot wait to see what the future holds for you!
Take good care of yourself, Jarggy. And if you ever need to chat, I’m hear to lend a big green shoulder. Lots of love to you always, and all the best of luck to you in the meantime! You got this 💚
At least, that's what I can assume from what you've explained here, and from my own experience, having people that are able and willing to listen and understand you is always appreciated. Makes it easier to have comfort and support and to build your expertise and resources for many kinds of situations.
Anyway, hope I'm not being too condescending for you, and I'll be hoping for things to take a turn for the better.
Sending strength your way, and hope for sunny days
I don't know if this will help, but I have words of encouragement.
I'm 31, and only now am I 65% through college to get my bachelor's.
I have been following you for a long time; I think you are ahead of me; you knew exactly what you wanted to do. It's just that life got in the way. I didn't know until I was 28. And I still have a very long way to go. But don't give up. <3 I, for one, always believed in you.
im losing my words and thoughts a bit. But i am proud of you. i can agree i felt weird when i turned 30 but that never changed who i am. many others i went to school with said the same thing. xD heck even my mom and my gramparents. so my point of view is most ppl goes thru the same thing when we hit certain ages. you are very lucky person with many friends. Even if we kinda lost contact over time, i never felt disappointed. i understand you been very busy.
^-^ you are awsome, take care.
I didn't actually move out on my own until I was nearly 30 and me doing anything creative and well known is taking me until nearly my 40's. My friend, you're doing fine, even if it doesn't feel like it. Do your best, it's what you can do. I believe in you, and the rest of us do too. Take care of yourself first and foremost. You're worth it. <3
Totally understand how you feel. I also live in So-Cal so I know how rough the area is in itself too. I do hope you at least find time for yourself to breathe, to enjoy your own company, and also coming up with plans to help make the next step in your life.
I know this is a long shot but it sounds like you're local, and want to grab lunch sometime or whatever let me know.