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The Long Overdue Update (+vent)
2 years ago
General
So, it's been a bit. And there's a lot to talk about. A lot I need to get off my chest. So sit tight and excuse the wall of text because I'm going to go on about basically everything. I’ll spoiler most of it because, even though it gives a bit of context over exactly why I’m a bit… absent, it does get a bit vent-y and overshare-y, so you don’t have to read it if you don’t want to. Besides, the more important stuff is after that.
If you clicked on this, thanks. First and foremost is what exactly I've been up to, and why I haven't been drawing. The answer to that is... a bit complex. You need to understand that art for me is just another hobby. Just like playing video games or watching videos or just consuming media in general. The issue is that it's less fulfilling and fun than the other options that I have. It's far more entertaining to me to go hunt some monsters in Monster Hunter, or play a few rounds of Splatoon, or watch a few episodes of whatever anime is trending at the time than it is to spend a few hours drawing something that I might end up disliking anyway and never finish. Art is literally on the bottom of the "things that I could be doing" list most of the time. And the reason for that is simple: My perfectionism has far more control over me than it should. I think I've mentioned it before but I don't think I've ever really gone into detail about it. At least, not here. I’ve set my own standards exceedingly high for myself, to the point where simple, quick drawings like what I used to do for Inktober now fail to reach those expectations. And I've gotten it into my own head that failing to meet those expectations is not an option. At all. I fail to meet those expectations, and the piece will rot in my art folder until the end of time. Art is no longer something that's consistently fun. Any enjoyment I may have once had has been replaced with an incredible, self-imposed burden of simply trying to do better than whatever I did before. And it's not a fun little “push yourself out of your comfort zone and try to do something different :)” self challenge; It's a necessity. For everything. And when I inevitably can't reach or exceed those heights it just further reinforces my own self-deprecating views of my own art. I’m in an actively losing battle with myself, convinced that I’m simply mediocre and forgettable at best, and at worst actively offensive to people who can actually draw. And those negative thoughts carry a far greater weight than any positive ones. So instead of drawing, I just go for the easier sources of dopamine hits. And avoid drawing entirely. Now, that's not to say that the spark has completely left; There are still plenty of times where I come up with ideas that I want to draw. The problem comes to execution, following through, and not giving up. Which is difficult when nearly every fiber of my being would rather do literally anything else than risk wasting my time on yet another disappointment. It’s gotten to the point where I wonder if it’s even possible for me to climb out of this, or if I’m just permanently stuck having crippling performance anxiety every time I pick up a pen. There’s some other intrapersonal stuff I could talk about, but I feel like we should move on before it gets even more
—
So, assuming I’ll be able to actually get myself to draw, what's next on the art agenda? Well, I'm not going to sit here and give you false hopes of projects that have a decreasingly unlikely chance of ever getting done, so I'll stick with things that I know for a “fact” that I will do at some point in 2024:
- Ref sheet - After literal years, I actually have a layout that I feel good with. The problem whenever I tried to make my own ref sheet is my obsession with having the anatomy look not ass. And as you just may have read, if it doesn't reach my own expectations (which it never did), it goes straight in the trash. This time, though, I'm feeling a bit more optimistic about it. Mostly because I don’t have to worry so much about anatomy with what I have planned.
- A stupid 2 panel comic[/b] - A stupid comic with a stupid joke that's actually decently funny at least in my head. My motivation is literally just to see it done. Because it's funny. Felix is there. Trust.
- Art Fight[/b] - I love doing this, unironically. Maybe it's my competitiveness that takes over (most likely it’s this), or maybe it's just because I can go nuts and try new things with new characters, or maybe it could be that I have an excuse to draw things for artists that I like. All I know is that even when I'm in a rut I always show up and throw down. And this year will be different.
- Possibly finishing some unfinished projects, or fixing projects that were “finished” but weren’t good enough for various reasons to actually post. This one is not very likely but I’ll put it here just in case it’s something that actually happens
That's it. That's all I'm guaranteeing for this year in terms of art. Not a long list, but then again, I haven't been able to follow through on any other list I've ever made. I could be optimistic and add “Make a new icon since the last good one you made is literally 3 years old” or “Bring back AMApril” or even “Do a raffle of some sort for some reason”, but I’m trying to be a bit more realistic. Surely I can finish 2 projects (and Art Fight) in a year’s time, right?... Right???
As for everything else there's some stuff I've been meaning to do. For starters, I'm going to try to be a bit more sociable for real this time. I’ll try being more active in conversations and try not to lurk so much. Which is easier said than done, coming from a hopelessly socially anxious introvert. I'm also working on setting up a BlueSky at some point. I've got the account I just need to finish actually making it look less bland and start posting some art there. Which would require me making a banner of some sort, so we’ll see how that goes. It should be a somewhat decent way of getting my name out there without touching Twitter. I have also been… entertaining the idea of doing commissions at some point. There is absolutely nothing set in stone yet, and there are quite a few things I need to figure out on my end before I can even think about actually doing it, but know that I have been thinking about it. At least a little.
Anyways, I’ve rambled on for long enough, I think. Sorry for keeping you. And if you actually managed to read that whole thing, hopefully it sheds a bit of light on the internal workings of my silly little head.
Thanks for reading, and here’s to a not-disastrous 2024.
If you clicked on this, thanks. First and foremost is what exactly I've been up to, and why I haven't been drawing. The answer to that is... a bit complex. You need to understand that art for me is just another hobby. Just like playing video games or watching videos or just consuming media in general. The issue is that it's less fulfilling and fun than the other options that I have. It's far more entertaining to me to go hunt some monsters in Monster Hunter, or play a few rounds of Splatoon, or watch a few episodes of whatever anime is trending at the time than it is to spend a few hours drawing something that I might end up disliking anyway and never finish. Art is literally on the bottom of the "things that I could be doing" list most of the time. And the reason for that is simple: My perfectionism has far more control over me than it should. I think I've mentioned it before but I don't think I've ever really gone into detail about it. At least, not here. I’ve set my own standards exceedingly high for myself, to the point where simple, quick drawings like what I used to do for Inktober now fail to reach those expectations. And I've gotten it into my own head that failing to meet those expectations is not an option. At all. I fail to meet those expectations, and the piece will rot in my art folder until the end of time. Art is no longer something that's consistently fun. Any enjoyment I may have once had has been replaced with an incredible, self-imposed burden of simply trying to do better than whatever I did before. And it's not a fun little “push yourself out of your comfort zone and try to do something different :)” self challenge; It's a necessity. For everything. And when I inevitably can't reach or exceed those heights it just further reinforces my own self-deprecating views of my own art. I’m in an actively losing battle with myself, convinced that I’m simply mediocre and forgettable at best, and at worst actively offensive to people who can actually draw. And those negative thoughts carry a far greater weight than any positive ones. So instead of drawing, I just go for the easier sources of dopamine hits. And avoid drawing entirely. Now, that's not to say that the spark has completely left; There are still plenty of times where I come up with ideas that I want to draw. The problem comes to execution, following through, and not giving up. Which is difficult when nearly every fiber of my being would rather do literally anything else than risk wasting my time on yet another disappointment. It’s gotten to the point where I wonder if it’s even possible for me to climb out of this, or if I’m just permanently stuck having crippling performance anxiety every time I pick up a pen. There’s some other intrapersonal stuff I could talk about, but I feel like we should move on before it gets even more
—
So, assuming I’ll be able to actually get myself to draw, what's next on the art agenda? Well, I'm not going to sit here and give you false hopes of projects that have a decreasingly unlikely chance of ever getting done, so I'll stick with things that I know for a “fact” that I will do at some point in 2024:
- Ref sheet - After literal years, I actually have a layout that I feel good with. The problem whenever I tried to make my own ref sheet is my obsession with having the anatomy look not ass. And as you just may have read, if it doesn't reach my own expectations (which it never did), it goes straight in the trash. This time, though, I'm feeling a bit more optimistic about it. Mostly because I don’t have to worry so much about anatomy with what I have planned.
- A stupid 2 panel comic[/b] - A stupid comic with a stupid joke that's actually decently funny at least in my head. My motivation is literally just to see it done. Because it's funny. Felix is there. Trust.
- Art Fight[/b] - I love doing this, unironically. Maybe it's my competitiveness that takes over (most likely it’s this), or maybe it's just because I can go nuts and try new things with new characters, or maybe it could be that I have an excuse to draw things for artists that I like. All I know is that even when I'm in a rut I always show up and throw down. And this year will be different.
- Possibly finishing some unfinished projects, or fixing projects that were “finished” but weren’t good enough for various reasons to actually post. This one is not very likely but I’ll put it here just in case it’s something that actually happens
That's it. That's all I'm guaranteeing for this year in terms of art. Not a long list, but then again, I haven't been able to follow through on any other list I've ever made. I could be optimistic and add “Make a new icon since the last good one you made is literally 3 years old” or “Bring back AMApril” or even “Do a raffle of some sort for some reason”, but I’m trying to be a bit more realistic. Surely I can finish 2 projects (and Art Fight) in a year’s time, right?... Right???
As for everything else there's some stuff I've been meaning to do. For starters, I'm going to try to be a bit more sociable for real this time. I’ll try being more active in conversations and try not to lurk so much. Which is easier said than done, coming from a hopelessly socially anxious introvert. I'm also working on setting up a BlueSky at some point. I've got the account I just need to finish actually making it look less bland and start posting some art there. Which would require me making a banner of some sort, so we’ll see how that goes. It should be a somewhat decent way of getting my name out there without touching Twitter. I have also been… entertaining the idea of doing commissions at some point. There is absolutely nothing set in stone yet, and there are quite a few things I need to figure out on my end before I can even think about actually doing it, but know that I have been thinking about it. At least a little.
Anyways, I’ve rambled on for long enough, I think. Sorry for keeping you. And if you actually managed to read that whole thing, hopefully it sheds a bit of light on the internal workings of my silly little head.
Thanks for reading, and here’s to a not-disastrous 2024.
Hope you can find the joy in your hobbies again.