Hey Yall,

Been doing a lot of thinking and being depressed lately.

I don't really have a plan or know what i'm doing so here goes. This is kind of like a coming out of sorts.

Womanhood is a complicated part of my life. In many ways I love being a woman. I love, have loved, and have BEEN loved by many women. My womanhood is one that I have claimed for myself personally and fought for and therefore i hold it very dear to me. But I don't always feel like a woman and i almost never feel like a man and more often than not i feel like I want off this ridiculous ride of "male" and "female" entirely because it feels like a bunch of crazy-pants nonsense invented by morons.

Personhood is a complicated part of my life. I do not love being a person, always or often. The drudgery of life and these bodies we pilot are a source of pain, but also the vehicle through which i experience all the joy and beauty of this world INCLUDING physical/sexual pleasure. It also means living with a body that will never fully comfort to the idea i have in my head of myself, which most days is a chaotic jumble and very rarely coalesces into something physical and tangible.

So you can see why these might lead to some confusing feelings for me.

I think it's obvious to anyone who reads my Lily stories that I'm really focused on the nullification aspect of her doll state. This is because i think null is hot yes but also i think in part because it allows Lily to occupy this sort of liminal space of womanhood, of being seen as a woman and read as feminine but without the bodily responsibility that comes with it. Dolls do not have a "gender" except the one that we the creators of the dolls assign to them. Bodies are the same, of course, but I like that there is an inherent sexlessness to toys like dolls and other objects that appeals to me a lot more than living with the pain of being a 'real girl.'

Anyway all this being said I'm really NOT a labeller but i guess if i was forced to label myself something it would be: agender.

And I go by She/It pronouns but as of the time of this typing i think i prefer it/its the most.

EDIT: CLARIFICATION:

Suzy/Lily (the real life human person): It/she, it's complicated, think of me as a doll.
Suzy (the cow): She/her
Lily (the doll): she/it, but only it cuz owner is mean sometimes ;)