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Can't hold my anxiety
a year ago
Hello there,
I don't really know how to describe the conditions in which I am right now, but it is actually... hard to deal with. Having quite stable mentality, I still tend to be very nervous from time to time especially when shit happens. I guess shit is happening again and there is no one within my family or friends who can either calm me down or comfort me right now.
I'm a freelance artists from Russia, most of you know it. Being Russian is hard in our days since it's hard to find a country where Russians are not hated. There is nothing I can say or do being an-almost-25-year-old linguist and English teacher. Some people may say that it's us who must change their lives, but it is too hard and too scary.
Giving up using PayPal since it stopped working in Russia was really hard, but there were some other methods. Boosty is not the best, I know, but there still was a chance for me to keep drawing. Drawing is the way I earn my living since salaries in my countries are quite low. I was offered a job of my university tutor (not a prof yet gaining experience to become one) for $170 per month. Can you imagine living like that? I didn't feel like trying to become a teacher since the salary was always not more than $360. The top offer for me was $850, sounds a bit better yet the timetable was a nightmare. No chance to live, only shitty tiresome work which takes 2 hours to get to.
Freelance as an artists is a chance to do what I like and to gain enough to live still having time to travel, to go to the gym, to enjoy some small happy moments.
However, smth went wrong, didn't it? Right now Boosty, the only way I accept payment, has issues accepting PayPal transactions. They say people can pay with credit cards, but I know most banks block such operations. Boosty support say it is temporary yet who knows how long it will last, for 3 days, for a month or for years.
Losing the only way to accept money means losing the chance to do the things I like that helped me to earn money. I try to sort out the way EasyStart is working so I could find an alternative method, but I feel I'm absolutely shitted.
I've lost a chance to travel while I still have no family of my own and carefree friends. That was a dream of mine and ever since COVID-19 I never left my country. No plans of visiting Chroatia or Great Britian for the second time are supposed to come true in years, I guess.
I'm at a risk of losing the "occupation" I like. I know I won't die working as a school teacher earning my $500, but I know my life will be... much worse. No light, no chance to do things I like. I have some experinece working at school and it was really hard even though I felt like I enjoy communicating with children and most of them were sweet. I had no resources to do anything, even drawing was hard for me in those days. I was exhausted.
Connected tighly to my parents, having mentally ill friends, being underestemated and scolded for "doing nothing to get my money", pressed by global news, lack of opportunities and understanding I feel broken. That's not depression, I'm quite healthy except for throat issues, yet I feel like the world around me destroys me, makes me disappointed and tired as fuck. I cannot find a lover since I can no longer feel love and trust to anyone. I look awkward and not even pretty because of being small and having fat legs. I'm laughed at being "not a woman not a man" since almost no one from my friends ever tried to respect at least the pronouns I use.
I'm not an optimist, but I always try to think rationally, keeping myself up. Problems won't last forever, each cloud has a silver lining or how it is said... but I'm very tired. I never wanted to sit in tears past midnight knowing that my 25th birthday which will be in 4 days will be full of helplessness, regrets and fears. That's really sad, that's not the future I looked for.
I do agree there are millions of those who struggle more. I'd never call myself miserable, I don't feel like comparing my problems to others'. I'm safe, warm, have friends, family, degree in linguistics, hobbies, more or less stable health... I'm lucky to have all these thing and I'm grateful for having a chance to live. And I definetely will, I love my life even with all the problems.
But I'm so damn tired... I'm not even allowed to cry at home.
I don't know how to hold my anxiety tight so I never break. I am strong and I know it, but sometimes I feel like cracking as if I was made of glass or plastic.
I don't really know how to describe the conditions in which I am right now, but it is actually... hard to deal with. Having quite stable mentality, I still tend to be very nervous from time to time especially when shit happens. I guess shit is happening again and there is no one within my family or friends who can either calm me down or comfort me right now.
I'm a freelance artists from Russia, most of you know it. Being Russian is hard in our days since it's hard to find a country where Russians are not hated. There is nothing I can say or do being an-almost-25-year-old linguist and English teacher. Some people may say that it's us who must change their lives, but it is too hard and too scary.
Giving up using PayPal since it stopped working in Russia was really hard, but there were some other methods. Boosty is not the best, I know, but there still was a chance for me to keep drawing. Drawing is the way I earn my living since salaries in my countries are quite low. I was offered a job of my university tutor (not a prof yet gaining experience to become one) for $170 per month. Can you imagine living like that? I didn't feel like trying to become a teacher since the salary was always not more than $360. The top offer for me was $850, sounds a bit better yet the timetable was a nightmare. No chance to live, only shitty tiresome work which takes 2 hours to get to.
Freelance as an artists is a chance to do what I like and to gain enough to live still having time to travel, to go to the gym, to enjoy some small happy moments.
However, smth went wrong, didn't it? Right now Boosty, the only way I accept payment, has issues accepting PayPal transactions. They say people can pay with credit cards, but I know most banks block such operations. Boosty support say it is temporary yet who knows how long it will last, for 3 days, for a month or for years.
Losing the only way to accept money means losing the chance to do the things I like that helped me to earn money. I try to sort out the way EasyStart is working so I could find an alternative method, but I feel I'm absolutely shitted.
I've lost a chance to travel while I still have no family of my own and carefree friends. That was a dream of mine and ever since COVID-19 I never left my country. No plans of visiting Chroatia or Great Britian for the second time are supposed to come true in years, I guess.
I'm at a risk of losing the "occupation" I like. I know I won't die working as a school teacher earning my $500, but I know my life will be... much worse. No light, no chance to do things I like. I have some experinece working at school and it was really hard even though I felt like I enjoy communicating with children and most of them were sweet. I had no resources to do anything, even drawing was hard for me in those days. I was exhausted.
Connected tighly to my parents, having mentally ill friends, being underestemated and scolded for "doing nothing to get my money", pressed by global news, lack of opportunities and understanding I feel broken. That's not depression, I'm quite healthy except for throat issues, yet I feel like the world around me destroys me, makes me disappointed and tired as fuck. I cannot find a lover since I can no longer feel love and trust to anyone. I look awkward and not even pretty because of being small and having fat legs. I'm laughed at being "not a woman not a man" since almost no one from my friends ever tried to respect at least the pronouns I use.
I'm not an optimist, but I always try to think rationally, keeping myself up. Problems won't last forever, each cloud has a silver lining or how it is said... but I'm very tired. I never wanted to sit in tears past midnight knowing that my 25th birthday which will be in 4 days will be full of helplessness, regrets and fears. That's really sad, that's not the future I looked for.
I do agree there are millions of those who struggle more. I'd never call myself miserable, I don't feel like comparing my problems to others'. I'm safe, warm, have friends, family, degree in linguistics, hobbies, more or less stable health... I'm lucky to have all these thing and I'm grateful for having a chance to live. And I definetely will, I love my life even with all the problems.
But I'm so damn tired... I'm not even allowed to cry at home.
I don't know how to hold my anxiety tight so I never break. I am strong and I know it, but sometimes I feel like cracking as if I was made of glass or plastic.
I hope things get better, i wish I could help.
<3
Just keep in mind all the things you're capable of and focus on the things you CAN do, not the things you CAN'T do. You've got tons of potential no matter what anybody else says!
I hope things get better for you soon! Much love! <3