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Yosh's Art of Self-Destruction / Life Updates
a year ago
hOI!!!!!!!!!
PREFACE:
There is no obligation to read all, or any, of the following. There is also [u[no[/u] need to reply, comment, and/or interact with this journal in any way, shape, or form.
INTRO:
The Art of Self Destruction – Part 2:
By: Nine Inch Nails
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g6UPjmuFXFs
I am the voice inside your head (and I control you)
I am the lover in your bed (and I control you)
I am the sex that you provide (and I control you)
I am the hate you try to hide (and I control you)
I take you where you want to go
I give you all you need to know
I drag you down, I use you up
Mr. Self Destruct
I speak religion's message clear (and I control you)
I am denial guilt and fear (and I control you)
I am the prayers of the naive (and I control you)
I am the lie that you believe (and I control you)
I take you where you want to go
I give you all you need to know
I drag you down I use you up
Mr. Self Destruct
You let me do this to you (I am the exit)
You let me do this to you (I am the exit)
You let me do this to you (I am the exit)
You let me do this to you (I am the exit)
You let me do this to you (I am the exit)
You let me do this to you (I am the exit)
You let me do this to you (I am the exit)
You let me do this to you (I am the exit)
I am the needle in your vein
I am the high you can't sustain
I am the pusher, I'm a whore
I am the need you have for more
I am the bullet in the gun (and I control you)
I am the truth from which you run (and I control you)
I am the silencing machine (and I control you)
I am the end of all your dreams (and I control you)
I take you where you want to go
I give you all you need to know
I drag you down, I use you up
Mr. Self Destruct
I take you where you want to go
I give you all you need to know
I drag you down, I use you up
Mr. Self Destruct
MY INTERPRETATION OF THE LYRICS:
The music of Nine Inch Nails / Trent Reznor was introduced to me by my childhood friend, Enoch Myers. If not for him, I would have never been able to gain the computer skills necessary to do what I can do despite the decreasing amount of accessibility through technology that is afforded me as someone is 100% blind.
Enoch was the first person to not only introduce me to music, but also how to use MS DOS, Doom, game modding, software testing, the internet, and how to operate a local Bulletin Board Service (BBS). ([/i]A BBS was what many people used before the internet was widely available to the everyday user. People would use an ISA, or PCI, modem installed in their computer’s ISA, or PCI, slots to connect their home phone line to access the BBS. Upon logging into the BBS, the user could write e-mails, make posts on chat boards, play games, upload files, and download files. Most BBS could only support one user at a time unless the BBS’ System Operator (SysOp) had more than one modem and phone line dedicated to accessing their BBS. The SysOp was also able to interact with active users in a variety of ways with the most common being one-on-one chat.[/i]).
When I first started buying Nine Inch Nails albums, I didn’t so much listen to the lyrics as I had the music on to help inspire me as I worked on homework assignments and improving my skills with the computer. It wasn’t until much later that I began to notice how much I related to what Trent was sharing through the words he had put to his songs. (Beyond the one I’m sharing for this journal, which is a remix of ‘Mr. Self Destruct’ from “The Downward Spiral”, I often find myself relating my feelings to ‘Wish’, ‘Happiness In Slavery’, ‘Into The Void’, ‘Only’, ‘Capital G’, ‘Copy of a Copy’ and ‘Came Back Haunted’.).
The above said, the lyrics of Mr. Self Destruct’ / ‘The Art of Self Destruction’ have always felt like a representation of my internal battle with who I am, who I want to be, what I can never be, being forced to be what someone else wants me to be, and my overall battle to remain positive in a world that grows more-and-more visual while I become less-and-less able to feel a part of / interact with it.
MOST RECENT REALIZATIONS:
I’ve been 100% blind for over seven years now. However, in truth, I’ve been losing ground on what I can interact with on my own for over sixteen years. Each time sight would be stolen from me by complications of surgery, unsuccessful treatments after each surgical intervention, and/or just what being born with an incurable disease, Glaucoma, does throughout one’s lifetime. (Glaucoma typically afflicts those who are over fifty years of age. It is an eye disease that causes the amount of fluid in your eye to be improperly regulated. If there is too much fluid, the eye starts to destroy the key relay of visual data from your eye to the brain, The Optic Nerve. Too little fluid in the eye causes it to collapse with its inner-workings, like the Retina, becoming broken / detached.).
Each time my ability to interact with our sighted world got worse, I tried to find some way in which to reconnect with it. However, the end result was always the same in how something that once gave me joy, independence, and gainful employment had to be left behind forever.
The greatest loss came when the rest of what limited eyesight I had left was lost forever after a failed, third attempt to reattach my Retina. The only things I would ever see again would be what my memories and imagination afforded me.
As I was officially 100% blind as of December 15th, 2016, I thought my life could only get better now that I no longer required regular eye appointments, surgeries, and medications. I believed the stability of no longer having to worry about when my next battle against total blindness would take me away from my family would allow me to finally bond with my, at the time, ten year old son and wife…
…I was wrong. My wife, feeling that I was “Doing better”, felt it was time to end our relationship right after I took a job working within Customer Service for a regional chain of grocery stores. (Time and expenses considered, I actually made less money working this job than I did by not working at all.).
After my wife left me, I found myself spending less-and-less time with my son, Peep. Although we agreed on how to evenly split our time with our son, my ex-wife found ways to have him more-and-more while making sure he knew that I wasn’t, “…his responsibility to take care of…”.
With MLP: FiM / BronyCon and my career in Customer Care ending in Fall 2019, I struggled to find something to help me feel a sense of purpose in life. The scariest thing is to be trapped with your thoughts and, I can assure you, not being able to visually distract your mind from memories and thoughts of what you can no longer do is really, really hard. Add in solitude, web sites and phone apps becoming less and less usable to even the most updated screen reading / text-to-speech software, and being told everything you are doing wrong by your immediate family and ex-wife only makes being able to retain a positive outlook on life even harder.
LUCCA: MY BRINGER OF LIGHT:
The best thing to happen to me since starting my life without eyesight is having Lucca move in with me. He is a constant companion, voice of reason, and the first person to not make me feel how shameful it is to like and do what makes me happy. (This is, of course, the comfort and joy I feel from wearing diapers, onesies, snuggling and/or diapering plushie pals, and participating within the Baby Fur / Little community.).
March 15th, 2024 marks our second anniversary as a couple. Over this time, I have learned just how much my family has only seen me as a scapegoat / means-to-their-end rather than as an individual. I also must come to terms that, although my son does come over and visit more frequently, this frequency is a single day each week that is more an opportunity to share a few words before he meets up with his girlfriend, goes to sleep, and heading out for school the following day. (He is seventeen and, well, I definitely want to see him be happy as he grows into being a young rooster over feeling like he is obligated to spend time / entertain me.).
CONCLUSION:
Without Lucca in my life, I may have never been able to see just how much my own family really only likes me around if I am doing what they want me to do. My mom is alright, but she normally only calls me to share something depressing about life that I can’t really do much about. Any attempts to connect with my brother-in-law and sister, even after they brought their son, Owlbert, into the world on July 21st, 2023, has ended with little discussion beyond how ‘difficult’ and ‘exhausting’ it is to care for a baby. (If they think that is hard, they should try it while undergoing multiple surgical procedures, having your job threatened over-and-over again as a result of needing so many surgical interventions as your eyesight gets worse-and-worse, and being told by your wife that she felt so stressed by you that they had to have a fling with another man in order to get away from being stuck in such an emotionally difficult situation.).
Another realization is how and why I feel uninspired to do my own creative work. I love when I can create stories for others. I also really enjoy helping people with the creative process. However, I feel it is time I gave up on my own projects. They bring me no joy and, moreover, they are not what people are interested in. So, going forward, I am going to focus my efforts on what I can do with other people while phasing out my original works. It is just too painful to feel alone in what you enjoy and it is even worse to know how you have to take time away from one, or more, people in order to do what you and you alone like and want to do.
Lastly, as Lucca is such a caring and supportive individual, I look to find the joy in what we can truly do together. I need to stop living in the past and trying to get back what was never meant to be returned to me in any way, shape, or form. In order to stop feeling so depressed, I have to really-and-truly move on with my life. Since Lucca is my love and support both online and off, I look forward to setting aside the weight of my past to enjoy a productive and happy future as duckling and papa.
I feel a lot better since I got to write this all out. If you read all of this, I thank you for your time and hope that it may have provided you some kind of support in your own life’s journey.
Your Pal,
---Yosh E. O’Ducky ;)
PREFACE:
There is no obligation to read all, or any, of the following. There is also [u[no[/u] need to reply, comment, and/or interact with this journal in any way, shape, or form.
INTRO:
The Art of Self Destruction – Part 2:
By: Nine Inch Nails
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g6UPjmuFXFs
I am the voice inside your head (and I control you)
I am the lover in your bed (and I control you)
I am the sex that you provide (and I control you)
I am the hate you try to hide (and I control you)
I take you where you want to go
I give you all you need to know
I drag you down, I use you up
Mr. Self Destruct
I speak religion's message clear (and I control you)
I am denial guilt and fear (and I control you)
I am the prayers of the naive (and I control you)
I am the lie that you believe (and I control you)
I take you where you want to go
I give you all you need to know
I drag you down I use you up
Mr. Self Destruct
You let me do this to you (I am the exit)
You let me do this to you (I am the exit)
You let me do this to you (I am the exit)
You let me do this to you (I am the exit)
You let me do this to you (I am the exit)
You let me do this to you (I am the exit)
You let me do this to you (I am the exit)
You let me do this to you (I am the exit)
I am the needle in your vein
I am the high you can't sustain
I am the pusher, I'm a whore
I am the need you have for more
I am the bullet in the gun (and I control you)
I am the truth from which you run (and I control you)
I am the silencing machine (and I control you)
I am the end of all your dreams (and I control you)
I take you where you want to go
I give you all you need to know
I drag you down, I use you up
Mr. Self Destruct
I take you where you want to go
I give you all you need to know
I drag you down, I use you up
Mr. Self Destruct
MY INTERPRETATION OF THE LYRICS:
The music of Nine Inch Nails / Trent Reznor was introduced to me by my childhood friend, Enoch Myers. If not for him, I would have never been able to gain the computer skills necessary to do what I can do despite the decreasing amount of accessibility through technology that is afforded me as someone is 100% blind.
Enoch was the first person to not only introduce me to music, but also how to use MS DOS, Doom, game modding, software testing, the internet, and how to operate a local Bulletin Board Service (BBS). ([/i]A BBS was what many people used before the internet was widely available to the everyday user. People would use an ISA, or PCI, modem installed in their computer’s ISA, or PCI, slots to connect their home phone line to access the BBS. Upon logging into the BBS, the user could write e-mails, make posts on chat boards, play games, upload files, and download files. Most BBS could only support one user at a time unless the BBS’ System Operator (SysOp) had more than one modem and phone line dedicated to accessing their BBS. The SysOp was also able to interact with active users in a variety of ways with the most common being one-on-one chat.[/i]).
When I first started buying Nine Inch Nails albums, I didn’t so much listen to the lyrics as I had the music on to help inspire me as I worked on homework assignments and improving my skills with the computer. It wasn’t until much later that I began to notice how much I related to what Trent was sharing through the words he had put to his songs. (Beyond the one I’m sharing for this journal, which is a remix of ‘Mr. Self Destruct’ from “The Downward Spiral”, I often find myself relating my feelings to ‘Wish’, ‘Happiness In Slavery’, ‘Into The Void’, ‘Only’, ‘Capital G’, ‘Copy of a Copy’ and ‘Came Back Haunted’.).
The above said, the lyrics of Mr. Self Destruct’ / ‘The Art of Self Destruction’ have always felt like a representation of my internal battle with who I am, who I want to be, what I can never be, being forced to be what someone else wants me to be, and my overall battle to remain positive in a world that grows more-and-more visual while I become less-and-less able to feel a part of / interact with it.
MOST RECENT REALIZATIONS:
I’ve been 100% blind for over seven years now. However, in truth, I’ve been losing ground on what I can interact with on my own for over sixteen years. Each time sight would be stolen from me by complications of surgery, unsuccessful treatments after each surgical intervention, and/or just what being born with an incurable disease, Glaucoma, does throughout one’s lifetime. (Glaucoma typically afflicts those who are over fifty years of age. It is an eye disease that causes the amount of fluid in your eye to be improperly regulated. If there is too much fluid, the eye starts to destroy the key relay of visual data from your eye to the brain, The Optic Nerve. Too little fluid in the eye causes it to collapse with its inner-workings, like the Retina, becoming broken / detached.).
Each time my ability to interact with our sighted world got worse, I tried to find some way in which to reconnect with it. However, the end result was always the same in how something that once gave me joy, independence, and gainful employment had to be left behind forever.
The greatest loss came when the rest of what limited eyesight I had left was lost forever after a failed, third attempt to reattach my Retina. The only things I would ever see again would be what my memories and imagination afforded me.
As I was officially 100% blind as of December 15th, 2016, I thought my life could only get better now that I no longer required regular eye appointments, surgeries, and medications. I believed the stability of no longer having to worry about when my next battle against total blindness would take me away from my family would allow me to finally bond with my, at the time, ten year old son and wife…
…I was wrong. My wife, feeling that I was “Doing better”, felt it was time to end our relationship right after I took a job working within Customer Service for a regional chain of grocery stores. (Time and expenses considered, I actually made less money working this job than I did by not working at all.).
After my wife left me, I found myself spending less-and-less time with my son, Peep. Although we agreed on how to evenly split our time with our son, my ex-wife found ways to have him more-and-more while making sure he knew that I wasn’t, “…his responsibility to take care of…”.
With MLP: FiM / BronyCon and my career in Customer Care ending in Fall 2019, I struggled to find something to help me feel a sense of purpose in life. The scariest thing is to be trapped with your thoughts and, I can assure you, not being able to visually distract your mind from memories and thoughts of what you can no longer do is really, really hard. Add in solitude, web sites and phone apps becoming less and less usable to even the most updated screen reading / text-to-speech software, and being told everything you are doing wrong by your immediate family and ex-wife only makes being able to retain a positive outlook on life even harder.
LUCCA: MY BRINGER OF LIGHT:
The best thing to happen to me since starting my life without eyesight is having Lucca move in with me. He is a constant companion, voice of reason, and the first person to not make me feel how shameful it is to like and do what makes me happy. (This is, of course, the comfort and joy I feel from wearing diapers, onesies, snuggling and/or diapering plushie pals, and participating within the Baby Fur / Little community.).
March 15th, 2024 marks our second anniversary as a couple. Over this time, I have learned just how much my family has only seen me as a scapegoat / means-to-their-end rather than as an individual. I also must come to terms that, although my son does come over and visit more frequently, this frequency is a single day each week that is more an opportunity to share a few words before he meets up with his girlfriend, goes to sleep, and heading out for school the following day. (He is seventeen and, well, I definitely want to see him be happy as he grows into being a young rooster over feeling like he is obligated to spend time / entertain me.).
CONCLUSION:
Without Lucca in my life, I may have never been able to see just how much my own family really only likes me around if I am doing what they want me to do. My mom is alright, but she normally only calls me to share something depressing about life that I can’t really do much about. Any attempts to connect with my brother-in-law and sister, even after they brought their son, Owlbert, into the world on July 21st, 2023, has ended with little discussion beyond how ‘difficult’ and ‘exhausting’ it is to care for a baby. (If they think that is hard, they should try it while undergoing multiple surgical procedures, having your job threatened over-and-over again as a result of needing so many surgical interventions as your eyesight gets worse-and-worse, and being told by your wife that she felt so stressed by you that they had to have a fling with another man in order to get away from being stuck in such an emotionally difficult situation.).
Another realization is how and why I feel uninspired to do my own creative work. I love when I can create stories for others. I also really enjoy helping people with the creative process. However, I feel it is time I gave up on my own projects. They bring me no joy and, moreover, they are not what people are interested in. So, going forward, I am going to focus my efforts on what I can do with other people while phasing out my original works. It is just too painful to feel alone in what you enjoy and it is even worse to know how you have to take time away from one, or more, people in order to do what you and you alone like and want to do.
Lastly, as Lucca is such a caring and supportive individual, I look to find the joy in what we can truly do together. I need to stop living in the past and trying to get back what was never meant to be returned to me in any way, shape, or form. In order to stop feeling so depressed, I have to really-and-truly move on with my life. Since Lucca is my love and support both online and off, I look forward to setting aside the weight of my past to enjoy a productive and happy future as duckling and papa.
I feel a lot better since I got to write this all out. If you read all of this, I thank you for your time and hope that it may have provided you some kind of support in your own life’s journey.
Your Pal,
---Yosh E. O’Ducky ;)
I'd also say, I think it's worth doing your own projects and original works if you enjoy them! Even if no one else is giving feedback or anything, I think if you're truly enjoying it, I hope you can do it. But, I also totally understand how doing something and being excited about it, and working on it, and have no one ever say anything about it or seem to enjoy it, that does feel bad and lonely. So I'd say, it's okay to drop those kind of projects, since in the end it isn't bringing you joy, but I don't think you need to give up on original projects all together. :3 If one thing isn't working, it's okay to stop it, but maybe another will! You never know what unique thing you'll think of next that people might really love. At least I think you come up with cool creative things, so I wouldn't wanna see that end! Hehe, just my two cents. But I hope anything you do goes great up ahead, wee~! :3
***
Recent events have left me discouraged about a lot of personal interests. This is because I am becoming more-and-more aware of how reliant I am on someone else in order to participate in them. It takes the fun away when something that makes you happy makes someone else grumpy. Much of what I like, like Chocobos, is distinct to me and I feel bad taking Lucca away from household projects, which will improve our overall quality of life here, to do work on things that he, from what I can tell, sees as more of a chore than fun to do.
This said, the reality of how alone I am in what makes me happy is a real bummer. I'm hoping to focus more on things that Lucca and I mutually find happiness in doing while training my mind to do a better job of letting go of the Yosh of the past. (It is unfair of me, let alone anyone, to force / demand anyone to do anything. It just stinks that being 100% blind leaves me at genuine toddler levels of reliance on other people. However, I hope to get back to quacking ASAP as I use what I learned in writing this to make a happier future. If you can't change something, or fix something, you have to move on to something else while making the most of what you can.).
***
I love writing and coming up with fun projects. Right now, I think I'm just struggling from a lack of external validation that is made more bothersome for how 'lonely' I feel about my truest self. Being all mopy isn't going to make any of my situations any better. The only thing that is going to get me back to feeling happy to do my own work again is to wait and see what happens. I need to stop from moping and grumping like a toddler over what my physical limitations make doable only when I have someone else around to make it possible.
***
*Snugs* Thanks for always being their when I need a true, true friend, Oxnard. I promise to be there if you ever would need someone flamazing to aid you in a sticky situation. :)
Either way, you are still a valid person whether you work, or create, or not. I am proud that I can call you friend and happy that you have Lucca in your corner. I KNOW you are a good egg and care deeply for others. People like you are very rare it seems. Being around you and checking in on your life every now and then is always a pleasure. Please don't hesitate to reach out to me directly if you need to. I'm not active so much on X anymore, but I don't plan on leaving FA any time soon.
***
I did notice that you've been less active on Twitter / Cap X. Though, I'm sure it is a lot easier to keep up with pals through FA, Discord, and other social platforms. (There are just too many social media platforms and not a single one is, to my knowledge, 100% user friendly and perfect to share fun and times with friends.).
***
Hearing from both you and Oxnard has made me aware of how I need to allow myself a break to reevaluate how and when I can get back to doing those projects that align with my core self. The guilt of feeling so in need of others had made me feel I should just work harder at letting go so that I could avoid feeling sad and hurt. You have helped remind me that, no matter how long it may take, I can still do important things that make me happy. I need to approach these differently, but it IS possible and I WILL do it.
*Crinklesnugs* Thank you!
I aspire to be 'helpful' and someone to whom people can rely on. I just really struggle with how my physical disability limits how much I can do and how I can do it. So, as you'd suspect, I can be quite 'passionate' when I have the chance to do some good. The trick, for me, is how I need to 'listen' more to others while improving upon my self-affirmation / validation in ways that don't result in being a burden to others.
The good thing is how we can aspire to always see ourselves as 'Works In Progress' (WIP). Knowing there is always a chance to do better than you did before is extra helpful when self-doubt and low self-esteem try to make us question our value.
For me, I just needed to remind myself that I am more than what my thoughts and feelings made me feel I was. Between writing the journal, reading everyone's kind responses, and using all I learned from the experience to better share my feelings with Lucca made a major difference.
***
The above said, I always will treasure your kindness in allowing me to help write stories for Potty Training Tales. Collaborating with you was a real pleasure. Perhaps, one day, we can work together on another fun series of stories?
Regardless of where the future may take us, please know that you are always welcome to reach out to me if you ever want to talk and/or share ideas. I may not always be quick in giving a response, but I do care and try very, very hard to be there for those who have been there for me. :)
I do hope you'll eventually be able to return to it at some point, but if not I still wish you the best in your future endeavours. *hugs*
I know what you talk about when you mention the thing of being stuck with your own feelings. I have experienced it hundreds of times, for me, it can become really quickly a descendant cascade of negative thoughts without a healthy conclusion, it is really awful. At least I have the advantage of not having a true problem of depression so I usually can easy overcome those kinds of troubles, but I can understand how hard can be for you to get out of this cycle. It is really important (but not easy at all) to receive help from others to help us have new perspectives of life. I'm pretty sure that Lucca helped a lot with that part, and we probably do our best to do that too, but from the distance and through text it can be really hard to have the same effect.
While you can keep your support network with the creature you appreciate most, close to you, I'm sure you'll be able to move on with the time Yosh. Just remember, that no matter what your thoughts, that your exhausted mind is trying to tell you, we are always here for you and we'll always do our best to help.
Keep working hard my soft padded duck friend, and things will improve *hugs strong*
*Smiles as he hopes to get just one more hug* Thanks for always being a great friend, sweetie. You help me more than you may ever know by just being the true, true friend that you are. :)
Lucca sounds like a wonderful human being, who can cut through all the noise and tell you things you might not always be prepare to think about in a way that betters your well-being. I think that's amazing. And reading about how you are looking forward to the things you two can do together... just peels away a lot of chaos. It's wonderful to connect with another person on that level. Lucca sounds like a keeper!
Hope you're well and continue to improve m'friend :)
***
Lucca is amazing in how, unlike my ex-wife, she does well in helping me to understand how and why I did something that I, without intending to, made her unhappy / upset. I have found that I do best when I can learn from a mistake over being shamed, put down, and/or punished for an unintentional error. This has done wonders for my self-confidence and self-esteem. I truly feel that 2024 is going to be a great year for me to find more joy inlife than sadness.
***
I have all your posts saved in my Submission folder. I look forward to making good on checking them out and, hopefully, getting back to sharing comments, notes, or even phone calls with you again. :)