It finally hit me, in the midst of holiday shopping, gift making, gift selling (since I work at a candy shop), and general decorations bombarding my senses, that this will be my first Christmas that I will be celebrating alone. There are so many hardships that came up this year, so many struggles, that made me essentially cut off my immediate family. I miss my sisters so very much, and I'm sorry for them that they can't see me -- that my family will, essentially be incomplete for them. My parents, I can't really miss too much; they're the reason for my separation.

It's funny... I should've known that this would be a consequence of my actions. Getting out of my parents' grasp was the healthiest choice for me, but it came at a price of not being with my loved ones for a very long time, possibly ever again.

For the people who have seen my roleplaying behaviour as of late, this kind of explains my behaviour. Bad memories hit me during winter -- memories of wishing that a semblance, and illusion of family, would stay in my life for ever. It's funny. I knew that there would be a day when I'd realise that the family I had will never be the family I wanted. I just thought I was prepared for this moment. The knowledge of knowing, though, that I have no one to go home to, no one to call family, no one to give presents to, no one to pretend to be Santa for, no one to make dinner for, and no one to spend the holidays with, is really hard.

I don't know... I guess I just needed to let it out. I'm not letting my feelings distract me from what I need to do, but there's a feeling of loneliness about me -- a feeling that's very hard to just let be.