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Life Update - Feb. 25th, 2024
2 years ago
Hey, y'all, it's Heather again!
It's been a while, TBH, and I'm sorry for the radio silence. I want to say that I've been going through a transitional phase in my life, but that's been true for the past 21 months, LOL. I will say, though, that this part of it is making me rethink a lot of how I do things in general on here.
Part of it was turning 29 last Wednesday (the 21st) and thinking to myself "y'know, I'll probably never have a lot of notoriety" and "I'm older than several of my idols will ever be," and getting both a weird sense of relief that my life belongs to me and not some grand narrative, and a sense of dread that I have no idea what to do with the rest of my life. Right now, working at a thrift store takes up a lot of my mental energy, and a fair amount of physical energy, too - I work the dock and sifting through dirty clothes, so I'm always a little nervous about bedbugs and a little tired from lifting fifty-pound bags of clothes.
Another huge part of it is being about 21 months into HRT. I'm going to need a bra soon, and I'm going to have to start presenting full-time for my health, instead of hiding my repressive boymoding behind "oh, I'm just kinda butch." I'm not sure if I want to keep going with being adstn or whatever or start totally afresh, honestly. Being in this weird liminal space with my identity is making me reconsider and re-examine a lot about myself.
So has being... kind of a polymath? I don't just draw. I do music (which I've been hyperfocusing on lately) and I'm also a compsci major and getting into photography. Eventually I'd love to make some kind of TF-themed VN about my OCs, but actually structuring a story around the TF and making the assets and everything takes a fair amount of time and energy, and I haven't actually written a full story since... high school? Maybe college? I still want to get onto that werecat one, for starters, just to reacquaint myself with Ren'Py, but nothing's really coming to me to act as set dressing for the transformation. I also have a bad habit of trying to get started and losing steam just as quickly. I blame what I suspect is undiagnosed ADHD and a little bit of marijuana brainfog.
It's also the fact that sometimes I question how much people dig my stuff, and not in a "I need to be told I'm a good artist" way. I don't really care about being the greatest or most likeable artist on the planet, but I do feel like I kneecap myself a lot for the sake of likeability. I've got a lot of WIPS I'm genuinely proud of but question if they're too weird* or not "part of my web brand" or whatever, and there's huge gaps in my knowledge as an artist that I'm not satisfied with having (I'm not great at backgrounds, I've kinda lost the ability to draw unattractive people, I sometimes feel like my artwork feels like it lacks depth and volume in an unflattering way, etc).
It's part of why I closed commissions and my Patreon - there's a lot of artists out there more technically proficient than I am who do what they do for cheaper, and I'm not sure if I'm overselling myself or if they have some secret that allows them to bang out the Mona Lisa in an hour and a half. The other half is that I already deal with a manager and a helicopter mom way too late into my adult years; I don't need clients getting uppity with me over not being able to complete their requests, or to feel like I have obligations on top of obligations for something that should be an escape from my life. My art's too close to my heart for that.
I guess all that's left to do is just... make art for myself and post it, lol. Thanks for your patience!
* yes, I worry about this on here, of all places.
It's been a while, TBH, and I'm sorry for the radio silence. I want to say that I've been going through a transitional phase in my life, but that's been true for the past 21 months, LOL. I will say, though, that this part of it is making me rethink a lot of how I do things in general on here.
Part of it was turning 29 last Wednesday (the 21st) and thinking to myself "y'know, I'll probably never have a lot of notoriety" and "I'm older than several of my idols will ever be," and getting both a weird sense of relief that my life belongs to me and not some grand narrative, and a sense of dread that I have no idea what to do with the rest of my life. Right now, working at a thrift store takes up a lot of my mental energy, and a fair amount of physical energy, too - I work the dock and sifting through dirty clothes, so I'm always a little nervous about bedbugs and a little tired from lifting fifty-pound bags of clothes.
Another huge part of it is being about 21 months into HRT. I'm going to need a bra soon, and I'm going to have to start presenting full-time for my health, instead of hiding my repressive boymoding behind "oh, I'm just kinda butch." I'm not sure if I want to keep going with being adstn or whatever or start totally afresh, honestly. Being in this weird liminal space with my identity is making me reconsider and re-examine a lot about myself.
So has being... kind of a polymath? I don't just draw. I do music (which I've been hyperfocusing on lately) and I'm also a compsci major and getting into photography. Eventually I'd love to make some kind of TF-themed VN about my OCs, but actually structuring a story around the TF and making the assets and everything takes a fair amount of time and energy, and I haven't actually written a full story since... high school? Maybe college? I still want to get onto that werecat one, for starters, just to reacquaint myself with Ren'Py, but nothing's really coming to me to act as set dressing for the transformation. I also have a bad habit of trying to get started and losing steam just as quickly. I blame what I suspect is undiagnosed ADHD and a little bit of marijuana brainfog.
It's also the fact that sometimes I question how much people dig my stuff, and not in a "I need to be told I'm a good artist" way. I don't really care about being the greatest or most likeable artist on the planet, but I do feel like I kneecap myself a lot for the sake of likeability. I've got a lot of WIPS I'm genuinely proud of but question if they're too weird* or not "part of my web brand" or whatever, and there's huge gaps in my knowledge as an artist that I'm not satisfied with having (I'm not great at backgrounds, I've kinda lost the ability to draw unattractive people, I sometimes feel like my artwork feels like it lacks depth and volume in an unflattering way, etc).
It's part of why I closed commissions and my Patreon - there's a lot of artists out there more technically proficient than I am who do what they do for cheaper, and I'm not sure if I'm overselling myself or if they have some secret that allows them to bang out the Mona Lisa in an hour and a half. The other half is that I already deal with a manager and a helicopter mom way too late into my adult years; I don't need clients getting uppity with me over not being able to complete their requests, or to feel like I have obligations on top of obligations for something that should be an escape from my life. My art's too close to my heart for that.
I guess all that's left to do is just... make art for myself and post it, lol. Thanks for your patience!
* yes, I worry about this on here, of all places.
My motto with my art has always been that I draw for myself and everybody else is *invited* to look at it. It's served me very well. There's zero reason to be an artist and worry about what anybody else thinks. Doing otherwise means all you're left with is the bad parts and you never get to experience the good parts.