Since the Beginning of this year, something has been heavy on my heart.

These last three has been such a rocky road.
From learning how to break down the mask I had put up to avoid my truths, to reworking my brain after my trauma.
It's really been a long road, it was until recently I hadn't really noticed how much I've grown until people around me mentioned it.

I have regrets and things I'm really ashamed of, however those things were done by a person I don't recognize anymore.
She is no longer me...
That woman allowed a man to break down her spirit and just accept all the bad he did or gave.
Listened to the lies and pushed her to lie to keep her so called happiness.
I desperately wanted to be loved and due to that I had became too blind and numb to the damages around me and sadly it was a constant thing..
it felt endless...
and even when I knew it was wrong... when i didn't want to but end up doing it things to keep him happy and I had lost my voice..
I never said any of the really bad stuff..
And that's one of many regrets I have...
I should have spoken up. I should have told those around me what was truly going on and it is my fault.
I allowed myself to suffer in silence for a long time because I was too scared to share the bad with the people that cared and loved me..
I desperately want to pretend everything was okay.
Though people knew bits and pieces, no one knew the full story...

I kept everyone I loved at a great distance from it all because of my shame, my pride as a person...
I kept this mask up, a facade to keep the truth from smacking me right in my own face.
I knew some people could see through it, and for the longest, I would lie to keep everyone from worrying or judging.

I wasn't happy, I wasn't okay..
I would walk down to the gardens and wanted to end it all..
it was just as simple as laying face down in the water and letting go..
I wanted that alot at the end of most days back then.

However my best friend saved me, as well as few friends in real life and online..
their efforts helps, it took a long time for me to see it, and i saw it before it got too late.
One of best friends had dropped everything and came for me, with no hesitation.
And thus began my journey of self discovery and worth...
they were there for me at my worst moment and never allowed me to feel ashamed for expressing my pain so late..

It has been such a hard experience, finally leaving someone I thought I truly loved after 8 years, having ptsd from my trauma from relationship.
Learning how to address and express my true emotions, and slowly breaking that mask I had kept up for so many years...
I never thought I would be okay
Never thought I would find my peace because of everything..
I carried that baggage with me like a mark...
I was always conflicted.

I blamed myself for so much.

But as I am sitting reflecting, I realized I have grown, in the last year..

I finally smile a lot and it's not fake!
I laugh hard and I love even harder.
I am grateful to be here, alive..
knowing that I made it through all that and in the end I found myself, and the self respect needed to put this behind me.
I still have bad days, my ptsd hasn't left me but we all have bad days.
I've learned how to manage those bad days and express when I need to...
I'm grateful for everyone I know.
And I am also thankful for all who have been there through this entire journey.
I know it wasn't easy being my friend through it all..

After today, I will live my life to the fullest, be honest and loving to those around me.
That mask has been gone for moments and I am finally proud of myself, I'm grateful and happy with my life.
At the end of the day..
it made me a stronger person.
It's time to close the last chapter of this book and start a new one completely.

Lastly To my online friends,
I am sorry for all the pain I may caused people before and after my journey began.
I carried such baggage I was still blind, I was so overwhelmed and confused with keeping my pain at bay.

Allie, Annah, and Bunbun, Shawn, Wade, Rhys, and Peppy.
Thank you for being those that never judged me for my screaming silence that happened during my darkest hours, looking past it and seeing the pain I was so desperately trying to avoid.
I Love you guys and I am happy to know each of you, even when we don't talk much.
I am grateful to have you all in my heart.


And for those I lost during my journey.
I forgive the fact you judged me and saw only the broken parts of me.
I know my negativity was unbearable.
I am sorry that our friendships ended.
I will love you better from a distance 💚