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Life update/sad/depressed?
a year ago
honestly idk how to feel. my father passed away. i feel sad and i feel depressed, but i haven't really had time to grieve i guess?
my grandma lost her only son before her. i guess i been trying to stay strong for her?
idk it just seems like so much. its been well over a week his funeral is tomorrow. funeral home fucked that one up.
being my fathers oldest kid i guess i just had it in my head i don't have room to cry and i needed to step up and get stuff done,
while my sisters take the back seat and get there chance to grieve? and i know so many people say I'm sorry for your lost but like
when you hear it so much it kinda feels like it has this backwards affect at least it feels that way to me. like im so tired of hearing it or getting messages saying it.
people i never knew popping out the wood work. theres no money involved with my father other then whats coming outta my pockets and my grandmas for everything.
my father always made people laugh and was a good guy. he didnt have lot but he was always there for his kids when he could be.
maybe im feeling guilt? maybe im just in my head idk but there are something im holding on too and i have been for years and before he passed alot of things came flooding back to me.
things that happened years ago. things i wanted to apologize for things i wanted to tell him, things i wanted to thank him for.
i loved my dad and over the years he did do alot for me. and honestly i never thought about how much he actually did. and i didnt see how good he was to me.
for years my mom painted him as this bad guy and idk maybe i let her get into my head. cuz i did say some shit i wish i could take back.
i just wish i could have just gone with my instinct when it told me too. i wish i could have cleared the air. i know i will have to live with what im feeling i just feel like he doesn't know,
he doesn't know how much i truly did love him. i wasn't always the best at showing it. but god i wish i could just have 5 minutes to tell him.
its really crazy i feel so heart broken and yet still not crying? i think im defective...
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