Despite my best efforts, I feel like I haven't been dig myself out of this dark hole that I find myself in. I find that people I'm surrounded by are like like cardboard cutouts you see in stores, one wind and they blow over and just leave you hanging on your own. As much as I don't want to burden anyone with my pain which feels like a slow and miserable death, I really want to be able to talk to anyone.

I have been in physical and mental pain every waking moment of the day. My family and I moved into a new home, but I still feel like I have no privacy even though I have my own room. It just doesn't feel like home. I try to escape to VR chat or any means possible in order to escape reality. But honestly, it's just putting on a mask and just looking at still images or walking through the Sahara with no end in sight. I'm just left alone without anyone to be around. This whole thing left me feeling completely dead inside.

I get that schedules don't line up or people want to be around those they are close with. But I can't get close to anyone because I am not what they are or just have nothing to say because I don't know what will make them happy or just make them angry enough to piss off. I don't want to be invisible to anyone, I want people to actually see me. It's like being locked in a coffin and a one way mirror is your own view of the world. As much as I bang on it and plead for help, no one answers.

I'm still trying to get a lead position so I can have day time back and not lose any pay and keep my bills in check. However, my job seems to look over my efforts and I hate that.

I even had to give up a character to a friend in order to make extra money...I DID NOT WANT TO DO THAT!!!
I just feel extra trapped, and I don't know why I am trying to gain friends by buying them art or trying to be close to artists when I know I can never be what they are or even be seen as a person that has a heart. To them, I'm an ant and they are the boot which steps and crunches me to death. I try to make interesting characters that expand my friends circle but people will find something they don't like and band together to take me down and out.

I haven't really had the energy to be around people or do anything. I'm just going through my days, just going to work, coming back home, being annoyed by my family, sleep...repeat.

I just wonder to myself, would life improve if I wasn't around. It just feels like nothing goes my way, no matter the effort I put into it. I want to be able to cry, but the futility of letting out my emotions makes me hold back and just unhealthily repress it to no end. I just want the pain to stop, I want people to see me without contempt on their faces, but it feels like I can't get it.

What have I done to be relegated to just being a toy people play with for amusement and then tossed away when they get bored?