It has been a good three weeks for me in terms of finding myself. I have been journaling, practicing yoga, and meditating. But I am struggling. I have many issues that I have to contend with or else nothing will change.

My personality requires deep thought and leads with emotion. I am a natural born writer and it is something that has changed over the course of many years. I believe I need to write. At the very least, I need to journal. It allows me to sort my emotions and feelings. It allows me to construct myself in a way that no other media can accomplish. For the longest time, I have struggled to write because I did not believe what I was writing. I need to write for myself, and others will follow my journey. I also have many other creative outlets that I enjoy. I think my writing is going to change drastically. I also want to try posting more of my other endeavors such as music and drawing. I want to start streaming as well because my love of games is undying.

I am trying to enjoy things again. I want to become the fool that can enjoy the world in a way that they want. I am taking things much, much slower. I am not multitasking. I sit in silence for twenty minutes a day to meditate. I am doing yoga for another fifteen to twenty minutes. I am fully tasting every bite of food and enjoying every aspect of it. I am listening to every part of my body so that I can feel as good as I possibly can be. And what I've realized is that I do enjoy being fat. Pushing that part of me away has never done me any good. There are people in this world of all shapes and sizes. I shouldn't keep myself from having the body I enjoy. I started this year around 245 lbs. I am now 228 and miserable. I think it speaks for itself.

Still, I have been struggling with routines. I've tried weight lifting, aerobics, and I've even ran a few times. It doesn't work. It is because I do not agree with the vision of my future self. I am denying that it is possible at all. To develop oneself, we need to envision ourselves in the position we want to be in and take gradual steps to grasp that idea. I have no clear vision of my future self. I had no mentors growing up as a model of who I want to be. It is something that I think about every single day. Perhaps there isn't a single person that I can latch onto. But that doesn't stop me from creating someone. It could be a combination of several people.

I need to love life again. I have become cynical. I am pushing away friends and family because I do not trust anyone anymore. It needs to stop. I am becoming toxic to those around me. I want to radiate happiness and joy. I don't think leaving the furry community and pushing everything away is the right thing to do. I have isolated myself entirely. Isolation brews false a perception of the entire world. I thought by centering myself and getting away from the news and social media would alleviate my anxiety and depression. I think it couldn't be more opposite. I have been more and more anxious and depressed as time goes on. I need to push myself outside of my comfort zone and into communities and friendships. Otherwise, I have already died by hiding in shadows.

I am going to start treating myself like a king and I'm going to take things much slower. Upon writing all of this I am instantly feeling much better than before. I seek only the best out of this world and I want to love others. Please take care of yourselves!