Whew, just sitting down after unpacking and doing laundry.

First of all, thank you to all my friends and the friends I made at FWA; the experience was a blast and I loved it. I saw so many people that have commissioned me and many more that enjoyed my work. Just knowing just how far my efforts have spread warms my heart. I do want to apologize for not telling people who I am but, I feel such a way will make an interaction more impactful. Having someone you talk to idolize you in some way makes that connection feel false and unearned. I eventually want to meet and talk to all my commissioners and fans as myself and not under a label. But.. there is something that holds me back from revealing my identity to anyone.

Wednesday afternoon-

I arrive Wednesday afternoon and after enjoying a quiet day at the convention center, I wake up Thursday to wander the con floor. I chat and say good morning to folks I pass by. I knew going into FWA that I would potentially see the person who, for the last four years, has made me feel incompetent about myself as an artist and as a creator in the fandom. It didn't really hit me until I stood over the side of the railing and watched the LED banner flicker and display the large mural artwork created by said person. I've wanted to come to terms that, no matter how hard I try to distance myself and focus on my own passions, reminders throughout the years bring me back to a younger, more immature version of myself. My heart always sinks when I am unable to see a post because I'm afraid to find out who has blocked me this time. It has tainted my ability to look up to others as well as bring myself to support them. It may be why I find it difficult to connect with other latex/rubber artists, and I beg forgiveness from those whose paths I chose not to cross.

I don't have many options within the industry that is my professional job. I can not land an interview much less a position after graduation. Although I understand that concept art as a whole is suffering due to the repercussions of COVID mass hiring, there's a thought in the back of my mind that the person who I am referring to in this post has somehow blacklisted me from getting a job. Though I cannot prove such a thought, anxiety gets a better hold of me and it makes me so uncertain of the path forward. I can only imagine what they have said to the many artists who now have me blocked. I won't sit and say I have it bad, we all do, in this digital age of imposter syndrome and seeing fellow creators younger and better than you as well as posts on social media only highlighting the best of people's lives- we often forget that we all face difficulties..

But damn— I've held onto this sorrow for a long time in my heart. I tell myself that I want a natural way of connecting with other furs in the latex community but realistically, I'm scared. Scared they will know who I am and dislike me for it, scared they will tell other people that I am at the convention, scared that I might accidentally tell the person who this very post is about.

I am not the hero in this story. I am not the bigger person. I have talked to others, vented my frustration, possibly done the same thing they might have to their friends. I have written down journal after journal throughout the years about this person only to delete it before posting- worried that admitting such feelings would be me conceding and proving everything they said to be right. I was arrogant and my ego could not handle it.

I feel that I am no longer that person.

If you are reading this, PL, somehow, someway- if your friends link you it, if you stumble upon it by chance- I cannot change how you feel about me, I cannot lower my standards and forsake the community that has built me up and supported me throughout my artistic journey. I will not stop producing the work that I love, the work that allows me to see the good in tough times, the work that has kept me alive. I will not let your words undermine the tears, sweat, and blood I have gone into practicing my craft. I will no longer be ashamed when I pick up a pencil, a pen, a tool to create. And through it all, you've helped me grow as a person and as an artist. I end this by saying thank you.