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a year ago
I'm just gonna yap about this and if people read it, they do, and if they don't, they don't. I don't really care, this is kinda more for me.
I often tell people I'm aroace (aromantic+asexual), but it's just a shorthand for "I don't do penetrative sex, and I don't do relationship labels". And the reality is that, I think those are kind of lies? I don't know if those are lies I'm telling myself, so that I have a more consistent understanding of myself, or if those are I lies I'm telling others, so that they don't get my wants and intentions twisted. It's probably a bit of both.
Honestly, all things being equal, if "penetrative sex" was framed as just another kink instead of a defining component of what it means to have a sexual experience with someone, I wouldn't feel the need to identify as ace. Like, on a list of sexual activities I'm into, anal is on that list, it's just not at the top, and when people demand or expect me to have penetrative sex with them, it pushes it farther down the list for me.
It's really similar to an experience I had with ABDL a few years ago. I am into ABDL, but for a while everyone started treating it like it was the only thing I was into, and started pushing ABDL experiences onto me that I didn't ask for, and I wasn't really into at the time, and it ultimately turned me off to the whole scene for a couple years. I feel like that's happened to me regarding penetrative sex; I'm into it, and I don't hate the idea, but I've had so many experiences with people treating it like it's all that matters or pushing sexual experiences onto me that I'm not really into or in the mood for, and it turned me off to the premise for a long time.
In the grand scheme of things, it doesn't matter whether or not the labels are "correct". There is no permanent, immutable self that needs to be categorized into a box that perfectly encapsulates my unchanging being. Preferences, sexuality, and kinks all change over time, and that's fine. But I need a way to communicate my interests in the now, and right now it's easiest to say that I'm asexual. Even if it's a bit of a lie, it's easier to get people to follow a "I never do this, with random exceptions" rule than to get them to follow a "I sometimes do this, please respect my random preferences" rule.
Sometimes I feel like these labels are a cage. I'd rather identify as kinky and queer, and let all my interactions with people be based on vibes, but I, unfortunately, have the vibes of a vanilla, cis-male gay twink, and that doesn't attract anyone who's kinky in the ways that I'm interested in, or more broadly queer. So I feel like I have to use these clunky shorthands to communicate to people that I'm not the person I look like I am on the surface.
I often tell people I'm aroace (aromantic+asexual), but it's just a shorthand for "I don't do penetrative sex, and I don't do relationship labels". And the reality is that, I think those are kind of lies? I don't know if those are lies I'm telling myself, so that I have a more consistent understanding of myself, or if those are I lies I'm telling others, so that they don't get my wants and intentions twisted. It's probably a bit of both.
Honestly, all things being equal, if "penetrative sex" was framed as just another kink instead of a defining component of what it means to have a sexual experience with someone, I wouldn't feel the need to identify as ace. Like, on a list of sexual activities I'm into, anal is on that list, it's just not at the top, and when people demand or expect me to have penetrative sex with them, it pushes it farther down the list for me.
It's really similar to an experience I had with ABDL a few years ago. I am into ABDL, but for a while everyone started treating it like it was the only thing I was into, and started pushing ABDL experiences onto me that I didn't ask for, and I wasn't really into at the time, and it ultimately turned me off to the whole scene for a couple years. I feel like that's happened to me regarding penetrative sex; I'm into it, and I don't hate the idea, but I've had so many experiences with people treating it like it's all that matters or pushing sexual experiences onto me that I'm not really into or in the mood for, and it turned me off to the premise for a long time.
In the grand scheme of things, it doesn't matter whether or not the labels are "correct". There is no permanent, immutable self that needs to be categorized into a box that perfectly encapsulates my unchanging being. Preferences, sexuality, and kinks all change over time, and that's fine. But I need a way to communicate my interests in the now, and right now it's easiest to say that I'm asexual. Even if it's a bit of a lie, it's easier to get people to follow a "I never do this, with random exceptions" rule than to get them to follow a "I sometimes do this, please respect my random preferences" rule.
Sometimes I feel like these labels are a cage. I'd rather identify as kinky and queer, and let all my interactions with people be based on vibes, but I, unfortunately, have the vibes of a vanilla, cis-male gay twink, and that doesn't attract anyone who's kinky in the ways that I'm interested in, or more broadly queer. So I feel like I have to use these clunky shorthands to communicate to people that I'm not the person I look like I am on the surface.
