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Overhaul time! (Important please read)
a year ago
As I continue to recover health wise, I fully intend to "rebuild" my online presence. What do I mean by that, you ask?
Well, I'm going to say something ungodly stupid but roll with me on this; I've been treating furry as a sexual thing and really only posted porn because I have the social skills of a horny teen. These art sites are meant to be for socializing and sharing art as a whole, not just porn. I felt that I had to hide what I was drawing when I would sketch irl and basically ruined my drawing skills by only drawing when no one could ask me what it was and judge me. It seems people don't give a fuck about furry when you explain it to them, and nobody cares if you draw porn. It's only human to have a desire for the opposite sex. This mind set however caused me to draw less and less until for almost a decade I've drawn next to nothing. I fully intend to fix that. This incredibly stupid reason however, is why when people have tried to talk to me for years over messengers I may have come off as inattentive, quiet, or having bad social skills.
Turns out I have really bad ADHD and it kept me from drawing and I had no control over myself. The past decade I basically fell apart due to a condition I didn't know I had. The surgery was to fix my esophagus and move my stomach back into place. It was almost 2 months ago I had the surgery but I am -still- recovering. I strongly urge you all to take as good care of your stomach now; I'm only 35 but it's still healing. I've learned so much about disease, skeletal posture importance, etc. I now have the right medications, I'm working on my social skills, I haven't drank in 11 months and haven't smoked cigarettes in around 9 months. I still vape, but after learning that most smokers have issues because of the -act- of smoking causing damage, not the nicotine itself (long story what I mean. The smokers who live to really old age have great posture. Kyphosis is what causes the oxygen loss and other symptoms and is caused by the act of smoking itself, not what is being smoked per se.)
Instead of just sitting around playing video games, I'm going to try streaming, but in the beginning basically by just letting anyone watch me play. I'm not scheduling anything as I don't want to disappoint anyone by setting a time and not doing it. I just really feel my semi pro skill combined with my goofy personality would be a fun time. I'm always cracking jokes, puns and referencing things but I need to learn to do it with an audience. Since regaining confidence in myself, I really hope to get to socializing correctly and actually doing the fun stuff I see others do, I KNOW I can do, but I let fear get to me.
Despite these problems, I really enjoy being Professor Polecat as a character and entertaining people. I want to make the Polecat character and the comedic story behind all my oddballs something more fleshed out. (that's right, my dumb ass has only shared the porn of my characters and none of the content XD) This does mean however, I need to make this account more sfw and move the adult material to my older account and split the two between sfw and nsfw. I want people to be able to meet me in games and THEN find my twitter/furaffinity/deviantart/etc.
I want to thank you all who despite what basically amounts to being nearly absent for years, I finally understand myself, my health, and what I want out of life. It's going to be a slow process but I'm getting there. I honestly reached a point where depression, anxiety, and other family/social factors had me so disconnected I did nothing but drink and lock myself in my room. I even had thoughts of...well, you know. Laying down on the train tracks by my house to escape what was wrong with me. When you don't know why but you have no control and can't stop yourself from doing something stupid like drinking nearly 5 days a week it takes it's toll. I locked myself away from the world because I was afraid of what I viewed as my flaws, but my flaws didn't stop people from liking me. They only loved me more and wanted to help in any way they can. Besides, my family loves me and accepts me for what I do and who I am; if someone else likes what I do? Great! If they don't like it? Why care? I will most likely never meet them and as far as I care, they're text on a screen. Take any honest criticism to improve, and tell haters to fuck off and let people have their fun.
Anywho, I know this journal is long but as my brain clears from all the intoxicant chemicals I put in it and I can tend to ramble. I've had so much to say and no one to say it to. Turns out you've all been here ready to listen, I was just too afraid to talk to you. :P
Well, I'm going to say something ungodly stupid but roll with me on this; I've been treating furry as a sexual thing and really only posted porn because I have the social skills of a horny teen. These art sites are meant to be for socializing and sharing art as a whole, not just porn. I felt that I had to hide what I was drawing when I would sketch irl and basically ruined my drawing skills by only drawing when no one could ask me what it was and judge me. It seems people don't give a fuck about furry when you explain it to them, and nobody cares if you draw porn. It's only human to have a desire for the opposite sex. This mind set however caused me to draw less and less until for almost a decade I've drawn next to nothing. I fully intend to fix that. This incredibly stupid reason however, is why when people have tried to talk to me for years over messengers I may have come off as inattentive, quiet, or having bad social skills.
Turns out I have really bad ADHD and it kept me from drawing and I had no control over myself. The past decade I basically fell apart due to a condition I didn't know I had. The surgery was to fix my esophagus and move my stomach back into place. It was almost 2 months ago I had the surgery but I am -still- recovering. I strongly urge you all to take as good care of your stomach now; I'm only 35 but it's still healing. I've learned so much about disease, skeletal posture importance, etc. I now have the right medications, I'm working on my social skills, I haven't drank in 11 months and haven't smoked cigarettes in around 9 months. I still vape, but after learning that most smokers have issues because of the -act- of smoking causing damage, not the nicotine itself (long story what I mean. The smokers who live to really old age have great posture. Kyphosis is what causes the oxygen loss and other symptoms and is caused by the act of smoking itself, not what is being smoked per se.)
Instead of just sitting around playing video games, I'm going to try streaming, but in the beginning basically by just letting anyone watch me play. I'm not scheduling anything as I don't want to disappoint anyone by setting a time and not doing it. I just really feel my semi pro skill combined with my goofy personality would be a fun time. I'm always cracking jokes, puns and referencing things but I need to learn to do it with an audience. Since regaining confidence in myself, I really hope to get to socializing correctly and actually doing the fun stuff I see others do, I KNOW I can do, but I let fear get to me.
Despite these problems, I really enjoy being Professor Polecat as a character and entertaining people. I want to make the Polecat character and the comedic story behind all my oddballs something more fleshed out. (that's right, my dumb ass has only shared the porn of my characters and none of the content XD) This does mean however, I need to make this account more sfw and move the adult material to my older account and split the two between sfw and nsfw. I want people to be able to meet me in games and THEN find my twitter/furaffinity/deviantart/etc.
I want to thank you all who despite what basically amounts to being nearly absent for years, I finally understand myself, my health, and what I want out of life. It's going to be a slow process but I'm getting there. I honestly reached a point where depression, anxiety, and other family/social factors had me so disconnected I did nothing but drink and lock myself in my room. I even had thoughts of...well, you know. Laying down on the train tracks by my house to escape what was wrong with me. When you don't know why but you have no control and can't stop yourself from doing something stupid like drinking nearly 5 days a week it takes it's toll. I locked myself away from the world because I was afraid of what I viewed as my flaws, but my flaws didn't stop people from liking me. They only loved me more and wanted to help in any way they can. Besides, my family loves me and accepts me for what I do and who I am; if someone else likes what I do? Great! If they don't like it? Why care? I will most likely never meet them and as far as I care, they're text on a screen. Take any honest criticism to improve, and tell haters to fuck off and let people have their fun.
Anywho, I know this journal is long but as my brain clears from all the intoxicant chemicals I put in it and I can tend to ramble. I've had so much to say and no one to say it to. Turns out you've all been here ready to listen, I was just too afraid to talk to you. :P
That said, I'm glad you're getting better. Hope to see you on Twitch!
Plus, picture a vtuber sort of thing with an animated character instead of live video. everything from the standard design to Puppet Polecat, Paper Polecat, etc. Most of the jokes write themselves thanks to his habit of alliteration and puns.
Also I feel I kind of owe you an apology. You're someone who's always responded with comments and I didn't mean to come off as rude or uninterested in talking; I'm only now getting better socially. XD
On the streaming side, you can start with a "PNGtuber" style avatar on the stream. No need to get a 3D avatar for the Vtuber.
I'm one of those people that to be happy I have to constantly be making things; I play violin, I draw, I'm funny, I can build just about anything electronics related and I have an amazing voice. The fact that I thought people hated me is just absurd. I have flaws like everyone else, but to hold back my own nature and be trapped in my own mind unable to create was hell for someone like me. I don't care if I profit or not; drawing is one of the many ways I keep my hyperactive brain busy, and making people smile gives me dopamine. Everyone is always telling me I'm interesting and have a ton of great stories but my lack of confidence holds me back from doing more with my life. Damn right it does.
I love to make furry characters. They can be used to tell some pretty -hard- stories. Can you imagine cult of the lamb but with humans? I doubt many people could stomach the story. Furry characters "soften the blow" and look great doing it. They also have far more visual combinations and possibilities than humans by themselves. Also a
I don't think I would ever feel right with myself if I didn't acknowledge that this is something I like drawing. I constantly felt that guilt that I was keeping a secret. Turns out 99% of people don't give a flying fuck if you draw porn. Well, that and the really really (add how many "really"s you need) bad reputation being a furry gets. Worst I do really is some nudity if you think about it. In a "fetish" sense, everything I like can be summarized as "big women, big parts". Realizing I'm comfortable with the world knowing that about me because I don't care if a handful of people don't like me. It's a big fucking planet. I just need to get it better organized.
TLDR: Me likey makey, me no stoppy because some else doesn't like it. I move on and make more things. If someone took my drawing away I would find something else to make, and i'm not ashamed of the more adult stuff I've done. Artists sculpted and painted titties through history and it's nothing to be ashamed of, "I'll fucking do it again". XD