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Thinking Out Loud -- Positivity & Self-Doubt
a year ago
hOI!!!!!
Ever since getting put on Abilify, which is a medication that helps in coping with anxiety and depression, I have noticed that I have a lot more energy and positivity. However, I also seem to have more doubts about myself, my abilities, and my goals.
***
The biggest thought that troubles me is how I don’t feel my writing is really all that worth doing. I don’t plan to stop writing, but I feel I need to rethink what sort of content I put my time and effort into.
Other thoughts that plague me are whether-or-not I am a good friend to those who are my friends? Do I do enough to be there for those who wish to share their time with me? Do I truly show everyone just how much I appreciate them and their time?
The final thoughts are mostly money related. I know I need to make more of it to offset the 3 home repair loans that Lucca and I now will be paying off for the next decade. I know we can cut back on a few things, but we’ve already cut back on a lot of things and, as most should agree, you need to find opportunity to do something meaningful for yourself in order to not feel overwhelmed by life’s responsibilities. Just yesterday, I purchased a Pokemon T-Shirt that features Pikachu & Flamigo and feel bad that I did so. Did I need a shirt, yes. Should I have made it a Pokemon shirt, well, I feel less sure for how I feel I need to be responsible while not feeling guilty for doing things that help make all that responsibility and sacrifice worthwhile.
***
Expanding more on the money part, I have started to look for work again. Unfortunately, I haven’t been hearing back about the opportunity to work at the local YMCA that I applied for. The ‘Career Counselor’ and I have both reached out to explain how I can do the job if the right tools are available and compatible with their software systems. However, I do not know if this will work out and I really worry about, even if it does work out, how long it will take for a software upgrade to force me out of the job. I know I shouldn’t worry so much about how long I will be able to hold the job as much as I would be able to get back to work and earn some muns to help with our home expenses, but it still scares me to think how technology has always been my downfall to success where it should be what allows me to succeed.
I haven’t heard of any other job opportunities that go best with my skillset and how easily I can get to-and-from work. I do plan to see if I can identify possible other opportunities to reenter the workforce, but knowing I have to get the company to take the time to make sure I would have a job at the end of the hiring process is both frustrating and demoralizing.
***
On a positive note, my sister and I are getting along again! Winry has been a lot nicer and has told me that she was largely grumpy towards me as a result of how things were for her during and after her pregnancy. (It is hard to believe Owlbert is almost a year old now..).
What I think I should do is see if I can find a way to talk to my therapist again. I love all the energy and positivity I have been feeling, but these anxiety-inducing butterflies in my stomach are driving me nuts and making me doubt parts of myself that I know I shouldn’t be putting so much extra thought into.
***
That’s it for now. I thank you for reading this and will gladly take any questions, comments, or other thoughts you may have to offer. Perhaps there is something that you have noticed about me that I need to do better with and/or consider to feel less anxious about who and what I am? No matter what, I always feel better after writing these journals and hope that you all know I am here as much as is possible to be a good friend and creative colleague.
Your Pal,
---Yosh E. O’Ducky ;)
Ever since getting put on Abilify, which is a medication that helps in coping with anxiety and depression, I have noticed that I have a lot more energy and positivity. However, I also seem to have more doubts about myself, my abilities, and my goals.
***
The biggest thought that troubles me is how I don’t feel my writing is really all that worth doing. I don’t plan to stop writing, but I feel I need to rethink what sort of content I put my time and effort into.
Other thoughts that plague me are whether-or-not I am a good friend to those who are my friends? Do I do enough to be there for those who wish to share their time with me? Do I truly show everyone just how much I appreciate them and their time?
The final thoughts are mostly money related. I know I need to make more of it to offset the 3 home repair loans that Lucca and I now will be paying off for the next decade. I know we can cut back on a few things, but we’ve already cut back on a lot of things and, as most should agree, you need to find opportunity to do something meaningful for yourself in order to not feel overwhelmed by life’s responsibilities. Just yesterday, I purchased a Pokemon T-Shirt that features Pikachu & Flamigo and feel bad that I did so. Did I need a shirt, yes. Should I have made it a Pokemon shirt, well, I feel less sure for how I feel I need to be responsible while not feeling guilty for doing things that help make all that responsibility and sacrifice worthwhile.
***
Expanding more on the money part, I have started to look for work again. Unfortunately, I haven’t been hearing back about the opportunity to work at the local YMCA that I applied for. The ‘Career Counselor’ and I have both reached out to explain how I can do the job if the right tools are available and compatible with their software systems. However, I do not know if this will work out and I really worry about, even if it does work out, how long it will take for a software upgrade to force me out of the job. I know I shouldn’t worry so much about how long I will be able to hold the job as much as I would be able to get back to work and earn some muns to help with our home expenses, but it still scares me to think how technology has always been my downfall to success where it should be what allows me to succeed.
I haven’t heard of any other job opportunities that go best with my skillset and how easily I can get to-and-from work. I do plan to see if I can identify possible other opportunities to reenter the workforce, but knowing I have to get the company to take the time to make sure I would have a job at the end of the hiring process is both frustrating and demoralizing.
***
On a positive note, my sister and I are getting along again! Winry has been a lot nicer and has told me that she was largely grumpy towards me as a result of how things were for her during and after her pregnancy. (It is hard to believe Owlbert is almost a year old now..).
What I think I should do is see if I can find a way to talk to my therapist again. I love all the energy and positivity I have been feeling, but these anxiety-inducing butterflies in my stomach are driving me nuts and making me doubt parts of myself that I know I shouldn’t be putting so much extra thought into.
***
That’s it for now. I thank you for reading this and will gladly take any questions, comments, or other thoughts you may have to offer. Perhaps there is something that you have noticed about me that I need to do better with and/or consider to feel less anxious about who and what I am? No matter what, I always feel better after writing these journals and hope that you all know I am here as much as is possible to be a good friend and creative colleague.
Your Pal,
---Yosh E. O’Ducky ;)
I want to start by saying that it's wonderful to hear that Abilify is helping you feel more energetic and positive. It’s a big step forward in managing anxiety and depression. However, I understand that these newfound feelings can also bring about doubts and insecurities.
Regarding your writing, it’s completely normal to question the worth of your creative efforts. Many writers, artists, and creators go through periods of self-doubt. It's important to remember that your writing has intrinsic value simply because it is an expression of your thoughts, feelings, and experiences. It’s okay to reassess the type of content you want to focus on, but please don't let self-doubt stop you from pursuing something you love. Your creativity is valuable, and it contributes to the richness of your life and the lives of those who appreciate your work.
When it comes to your friendships, the fact that you’re reflecting on whether you’re a good friend shows that you care deeply about your relationships. It’s natural to worry about being there for the people you care about. Communication is key—sometimes, just letting your friends know that you’re thinking about them and that you care can go a long way. Don’t be too hard on yourself; the effort you put into your relationships is meaningful.
Financial stress is incredibly challenging, especially with the added pressure of home repair loans. It’s understandable to feel guilty about spending money on things that bring you joy, like the Pokemon T-shirt. However, it's important to find a balance between responsibility and self-care. Puritan values and the effects of living in a capitalism-based society can often make us feel guilty for spending money on ourselves, but it’s crucial to allow yourself small pleasures that make life enjoyable. You need these moments of joy to help manage the stress and responsibilities you’re facing.
As for the job search, it's disheartening not to hear back from potential employers, especially when you know you have the skills and willingness to work. The uncertainty about technology and its impact on job security is a valid concern. It's frustrating and demoralizing to navigate these obstacles, but it’s important to keep pushing forward. Continue to explore opportunities and advocate for the accommodations you need. Your determination and resilience are strengths that will serve you well in finding the right position.
On a brighter note, it's great to hear that you and your sister are getting along better. Family relationships can be complicated, especially during and after major life events like pregnancy. It’s heartening to see that you’re reconnecting and understanding each other more.
Talking to your therapist again sounds like a very good idea. They can help you work through these new feelings and anxieties, providing strategies to manage the butterflies in your stomach. Therapy can be a powerful tool in maintaining the positive changes you’re experiencing while addressing the doubts and fears that have surfaced.
Remember, it’s okay to have doubts and to question things, but don’t let these thoughts overshadow your progress and the positive steps you’re taking. You’re doing your best, and that is more than enough. Keep focusing on what makes you feel good and continue seeking support when you need it. You’ve got this.
***
I'll be reaching out to my therapist to see if she is available for me to see again. I should be able to find a way to get more sessions with her through resources beyond my insurance, which doesn't cover her services. (I do best when I can establish a 'Professional Friendship' with a therapist. I don't do well with ones that just want me to validate my own statements. I spend so much time stuck inside my own head that, if self-reassurance worked, I wouldn't need therapy. I do best with open discussion and feelings that challenge my thinking to make it better.).
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Many thanks, again, for your time and kindness. Have a great day!
as fr your writing i think your doing an awesome job even more so for not having the use of your eyes
I'm a bit late to the party. Here's hoping that things change for the better for you between when you posted this and the offering of my two cents! But just in case there hasn't been any notable positive change, here you go.
I agree with everything Scribbles said here. They've got a good grasp on a possible mindset you can adopt to hopefully quiet down the meanie, self deprecating voice in your head.
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My personal mantra in the creation of my own works is ensuring that I'M enjoying both the process and the product irrespective of what enjoyment others have from them. Is there something specific about your work that you can put your feathers on that is causing you to second guess your ongoing creative campaigns?
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As Scribbles mentioned, the fact that you are even self reflective at all about your quality as a friend suggests that you are absolutely perfect as a friend. I can say with certainty that you are someone who I consider to be one of my best friends in the world. I wouldn't want to you to change anything about our interactions together except to possibly have more of them!
***
Regarding money, debt, guilt, and all the other "perks" that come with crapitalism, I also feel that Scribbles has it right on. In the grand scheme of things, a little shirt that gives you some joy is assuredly doing more good than harm by magnitudes.
I imagine that if you can get a reliable revenue stream coming in so that you can survive comfortably in this world, that a lot of things would improve. I hope that this thing with the YMCA comes through and that it helps alleviate all this debt and anxiety. You're absolutely right when you say that technology is supposed to help you, not ruin your opportunity from prosperity. It's absolutely criminal that the rug was pulled out from under you when this new technology was imposed upon you from people who don't even use it themselves.
I know somewhere out there are people and places that are able to lift people up despite the way we treat people systemically in this country. I feel that if you don't give up completely, you can find something. I also know that if you don't succeed, it is absolutely not your fault in any way. To be frank, luck is probably going to play the biggest role in righting your fortunes.
But that's the way the game has to be played here it seems. All you can do is wake up and get out of bed every day. And in between your happy future and the present, do your best to seize whatever happiness you can to keep you going should that time finally arrive. In the meantime, remember, you are far more than someone who can make money for people with too much. You are boundlessly creative, infinitely positive (despite needing to blow off some steam and ask for reassurances from time to time), and an engaged and giving friend. I know these traits don't really pay much, but they are worth more than anything else in my measure of a person.
Take care, Yosh.
***
Much of what has been a burden is worrying that I'm not being as responsible as I need to be. I was raised with such a work ethic that it is quite toxic when put into a situation of a near vertical climb to find gainful / meaningful employment. Luck will play a big part in whether-or-not I can overcome this obstacle. The other part is reminding myself of how it is all "Nothing ventured. Nothing gained.". I'm quite afraid of being emotionally hurt by the job search, acquisition, and ability to retain it in a world where software goes untested in more ways than simply accessibility. However, I must try in order to know if there is truly something that I can do. Giving up before having given a true effort into finding something to help with finances while giving me an additional sense of accomplishment would be just too out of character / depressing.
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I think many of us hurt from the whole concept of "Keeping up with the Jones'". I know Lucca sees a lot of YouTube videos where people seem to throw caution to the wind in pursuing their hobbies. I feel bad that I cannot just go out and help him get all that he wants to feel at their best. Though, my guilt is more about feeling like I made poor investment choices in this house. (The house is beyond perfect with heating, cooling, and plumbing. Unfortunately, as with any home owner, I'll be paying off the repairs for years.).
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Right now, I successfully got back in touch with my therapist and, with help from Winry, will be getting six sessions with her that start this coming Monday. I look forward to talking out all my anxiety over money, employment, and other things so that I can get a better grip on where I need to go in order to feel the optimal amount of "Happy, Flappy, Chirpy, Little Birdie" as I can.
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*Snugs* Thanks for your kindness and friendly support, Tacki. If you ever need to talk anything out, you are always welcome to reach out to me. :)
If I ever need to talk to someone I will definitely think of you.