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Absence and Apology
a year ago
Hey guys.
This journal will probably be somewhat lengthy, and vague in areas, but pertains to my disappearance from online and is mostly directed towards those I owe artwork to. I will include a TL;DR at the bottom for those of you simply here to get a summary of my lack of updated gallery.
First of all, I would like to say that I am deeply and abidingly sorry to those that my absence and lack of work has inconvenienced or inhibited in any way. I never meant to let you all down, and this fed into a vicious cycle that was self-proliferated over the last couple years.
As some of you may know, I suffer deeply from anxiety and depression. Over the last year, that has compounded significantly as life has struggled in any way to be kind to me and my family. Between health issues among those I love, and those of my own, my physical state has deteriorated, only exacerbated by my mental state. I have been to so many doctor's appointments in the last six months that it's kind of dumbfounding, but I am working on trying to get my physical health under control. My arthritis has gotten significantly worse, and being in constant physical pain only bulks the mental failings. As I said, it has been a vicious cycle and has done a real number on my ability to function in any capacity.
As I was already struggling with these things, I experienced an extremely crucial and consequential loss in my personal life that quite simply destroyed me. It has taken me months to even slightly come to terms with the aching hole it has left in my life, and deeply affected an already deteriorated mental struggle. I have spent my time away reflecting on things that happened or were said and recognize that my failings fed into the complete obliteration of something I feel both parties took for granted. I yearn to repair the burned bridge, but also know that for all those involved, there were wounds inflicted that likely will not be repaired, healed, or even scarred over for a long, long time. This loss and the damage it inflicted on me only served to cause my mental being to implode. Self-doubt and self-hatred have run rampant through my unstable mind, and I ended up having to truly detach from anything associated with this lost connection to even try to function in my life outside the online world.
I mentioned above that my mental health has included anxiety, depression, self-doubt, and self-hatred. While these issues are in no way anyone's fault, they have been fed a steady diet by the repeating dialogue in my head, and the disappointment I have in myself for becoming one of those awful artists that has art owed beyond a reasonable timeline.
I admit I fell into a pit of offering new work when I had too much outstanding work. For this, I must say: I am so, so sorry. It's too easy to fall into this trope as a digital artist, especially as a financial need arises and we all simply try to afford to live. My return will see a vastly different approach to how I will do business going forward. First and foremost, I will not be accepting new work until my owed queue has been completely cleared. This means that if I owe you art, it will be worked on as I slowly move through the tricky maze of trying to right my wrongs, fix my errors, and offer those who entrusted me to work for them a product that - I hope - will in some way make the waits worthwhile. With this in mind, however, I must strongly iterate: No refunds will be offered. This is not because I do not *want* to offer them, but because I cannot. I simply do not have the money to do so.
Per that awful truth, I will be altering how I receive payments when I eventually re-open to commissions. These things will be covered in my revised Terms of Service, which I will not share until I have finished the work I already owe and am ready to ease back into offering work to those who may, gratefully on my part in no uncertain terms, still wish to work with me and allow me the honor and opportunity to bring your creations to life.
To those who have checked in on me in this time of detachment, I wish to say deeply and profoundly - thank you. It has been all too easy to fall into a winding black hole of "I could disappear, and nobody would even notice or care" which, admittedly, is self-pitying and dramatic, but none-the-less a disturbing mantra that has chanted through my mind with varying intensity over the last couple years. So, with no end, no unyielding gratitude, thank you so much for showing me that people still care, despite my failures.
I am only human, and a vastly flawed. I have never, and will never, assume that I am in any way perfect. I have a temper, struggle with pressure, am creatively unstable (it is utterly controlled by my mental state and physical endurances - which have fallen drastically), and often overwhelmed by both internal conflict and external circumstances. With the deep awarenesses of my own imperfections, I would like to say this is not a "woe is me" update to everyone, but simply an examination of truths.
If you have read this journal update in its entirety, thanks for sticking around. I want to reiterate that I am thoroughly sorry for how my issues and conflicts may have affected you. I hope you will allow me the grace to begin repairing what I have broken or allowed to be damaged.
TL;DR: Shit happens, life happens. I'm human and flawed. I'm sorry for so much. Commissions are closed until my current queue is done and all owed artwork has been completed.
Sincerely,
Zorkia
This journal will probably be somewhat lengthy, and vague in areas, but pertains to my disappearance from online and is mostly directed towards those I owe artwork to. I will include a TL;DR at the bottom for those of you simply here to get a summary of my lack of updated gallery.
First of all, I would like to say that I am deeply and abidingly sorry to those that my absence and lack of work has inconvenienced or inhibited in any way. I never meant to let you all down, and this fed into a vicious cycle that was self-proliferated over the last couple years.
As some of you may know, I suffer deeply from anxiety and depression. Over the last year, that has compounded significantly as life has struggled in any way to be kind to me and my family. Between health issues among those I love, and those of my own, my physical state has deteriorated, only exacerbated by my mental state. I have been to so many doctor's appointments in the last six months that it's kind of dumbfounding, but I am working on trying to get my physical health under control. My arthritis has gotten significantly worse, and being in constant physical pain only bulks the mental failings. As I said, it has been a vicious cycle and has done a real number on my ability to function in any capacity.
As I was already struggling with these things, I experienced an extremely crucial and consequential loss in my personal life that quite simply destroyed me. It has taken me months to even slightly come to terms with the aching hole it has left in my life, and deeply affected an already deteriorated mental struggle. I have spent my time away reflecting on things that happened or were said and recognize that my failings fed into the complete obliteration of something I feel both parties took for granted. I yearn to repair the burned bridge, but also know that for all those involved, there were wounds inflicted that likely will not be repaired, healed, or even scarred over for a long, long time. This loss and the damage it inflicted on me only served to cause my mental being to implode. Self-doubt and self-hatred have run rampant through my unstable mind, and I ended up having to truly detach from anything associated with this lost connection to even try to function in my life outside the online world.
I mentioned above that my mental health has included anxiety, depression, self-doubt, and self-hatred. While these issues are in no way anyone's fault, they have been fed a steady diet by the repeating dialogue in my head, and the disappointment I have in myself for becoming one of those awful artists that has art owed beyond a reasonable timeline.
I admit I fell into a pit of offering new work when I had too much outstanding work. For this, I must say: I am so, so sorry. It's too easy to fall into this trope as a digital artist, especially as a financial need arises and we all simply try to afford to live. My return will see a vastly different approach to how I will do business going forward. First and foremost, I will not be accepting new work until my owed queue has been completely cleared. This means that if I owe you art, it will be worked on as I slowly move through the tricky maze of trying to right my wrongs, fix my errors, and offer those who entrusted me to work for them a product that - I hope - will in some way make the waits worthwhile. With this in mind, however, I must strongly iterate: No refunds will be offered. This is not because I do not *want* to offer them, but because I cannot. I simply do not have the money to do so.
Per that awful truth, I will be altering how I receive payments when I eventually re-open to commissions. These things will be covered in my revised Terms of Service, which I will not share until I have finished the work I already owe and am ready to ease back into offering work to those who may, gratefully on my part in no uncertain terms, still wish to work with me and allow me the honor and opportunity to bring your creations to life.
To those who have checked in on me in this time of detachment, I wish to say deeply and profoundly - thank you. It has been all too easy to fall into a winding black hole of "I could disappear, and nobody would even notice or care" which, admittedly, is self-pitying and dramatic, but none-the-less a disturbing mantra that has chanted through my mind with varying intensity over the last couple years. So, with no end, no unyielding gratitude, thank you so much for showing me that people still care, despite my failures.
I am only human, and a vastly flawed. I have never, and will never, assume that I am in any way perfect. I have a temper, struggle with pressure, am creatively unstable (it is utterly controlled by my mental state and physical endurances - which have fallen drastically), and often overwhelmed by both internal conflict and external circumstances. With the deep awarenesses of my own imperfections, I would like to say this is not a "woe is me" update to everyone, but simply an examination of truths.
If you have read this journal update in its entirety, thanks for sticking around. I want to reiterate that I am thoroughly sorry for how my issues and conflicts may have affected you. I hope you will allow me the grace to begin repairing what I have broken or allowed to be damaged.
TL;DR: Shit happens, life happens. I'm human and flawed. I'm sorry for so much. Commissions are closed until my current queue is done and all owed artwork has been completed.
Sincerely,
Zorkia
