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Identity Issues...
a year ago
So, for years now I have grappled with these feelings completely alone but I have surpressed my identity issues regarding my gender for a long time. I never told any of my friends or family over the many years because I feared I would be judged for these feelings or that people would say that I was "faking it" or that it was only a phase or something. The truth is, for much of my life now, I have never completely felt like I fit the typical image or behaviors of what society describes as a woman. I often shift between my feelings of "woman-ness" and a feeling of being niether woman nor man. Throughout my life I haven't really partook in a lot of the typical womanly activities such as wearing dresses or makeup and when I do put these things on I often do not feel really like myself. It feels really forced a lot of the time and unnatural.
The topic of gender in general has been one that has caused me great difficulty my whole life. I never had a lot of woman role models growing up and was largely raised by men. I know that I am not a man but sometimes I don't feel exactly womanly either. I am often consumed with a sense of not having much of a gender at times or not caring at all about the concept of gender. Its extremely difficult to contend with at times and I often feel very alone.
I used to be friends with a couple people who would probably have known what to say to me about this now but they've since moved on from my life over words I said in my 20's that were wrong, misunderstanding, and uninformed. I understand now that what I said back then was not acceptable and I live with that personal guilt along with my largely unspoken identity related feelings to this day. None of this excuses my behaviors when I was younger and I do know I was wrong to behave the way I did. I surpressed a lot of my own feelings surrounding my own gender identity for a long time and have finally begun to accept that I am likely closer to nonbinary or a demigirl, rather than cis as I was told by family and even thought I was for years. Life is really hard when you feel so alone in your feelings about who you are.
I have had a very difficult time in the past year or so with my ex partner who turned out in the end to be nothing short of a fascist. But it isn't all bad. Since then, I met my now fiancé who is nothing but supportive in my journey of mental health and even understands some of my identity struggles too. Never have I met someone as steadfast even in the face of my illness. I am truly blessed to be able to have such a wonderful person in my life. We one day plan to both fursuit together and no one I have ever been with has wanted to share that with me.
I have also grown as a person spiritually over the years and now see myself as more agnostic than I once was. I am more open minded because time has shown me the truth and I have grown along with that understanding. I hope that in time there can be better things to come. I do hope some of the people I unintentionally hurt with my words in the past can forgive me even if it means I don't hear from them. I don't hate you guys and I really am sorry. I know these words likely don't hold as much water after all the time that's passed but I want to be accountable and take responsibility for the mistakes of my past.
All I can hope for is that I will continue to grow and one day become the best version of myself that I can possibly be in this life. I understand that life is more of a work in progress and sometimes growth means owning up to your mistakes. The pain I have felt has definitely spurred me to want to change and grow as a person now that I know what darkness truly looks like. I hope that in time I can soften my edges even more and let more people in than I have. The trauma should not hold me down to the point that it holds me back from becoming the person I am destined to become.
With that said, I hope everyone is okay. I will probably post some art again sometime in the near future. Keep an eye out for my updates and if you need to reach me, the fastest way to reach me is through my discord, sorcerydeer. But you can always DM me here if you want to say hello. But I leave that choice to you guys.
- Sincerely, Nello
The topic of gender in general has been one that has caused me great difficulty my whole life. I never had a lot of woman role models growing up and was largely raised by men. I know that I am not a man but sometimes I don't feel exactly womanly either. I am often consumed with a sense of not having much of a gender at times or not caring at all about the concept of gender. Its extremely difficult to contend with at times and I often feel very alone.
I used to be friends with a couple people who would probably have known what to say to me about this now but they've since moved on from my life over words I said in my 20's that were wrong, misunderstanding, and uninformed. I understand now that what I said back then was not acceptable and I live with that personal guilt along with my largely unspoken identity related feelings to this day. None of this excuses my behaviors when I was younger and I do know I was wrong to behave the way I did. I surpressed a lot of my own feelings surrounding my own gender identity for a long time and have finally begun to accept that I am likely closer to nonbinary or a demigirl, rather than cis as I was told by family and even thought I was for years. Life is really hard when you feel so alone in your feelings about who you are.
I have had a very difficult time in the past year or so with my ex partner who turned out in the end to be nothing short of a fascist. But it isn't all bad. Since then, I met my now fiancé who is nothing but supportive in my journey of mental health and even understands some of my identity struggles too. Never have I met someone as steadfast even in the face of my illness. I am truly blessed to be able to have such a wonderful person in my life. We one day plan to both fursuit together and no one I have ever been with has wanted to share that with me.
I have also grown as a person spiritually over the years and now see myself as more agnostic than I once was. I am more open minded because time has shown me the truth and I have grown along with that understanding. I hope that in time there can be better things to come. I do hope some of the people I unintentionally hurt with my words in the past can forgive me even if it means I don't hear from them. I don't hate you guys and I really am sorry. I know these words likely don't hold as much water after all the time that's passed but I want to be accountable and take responsibility for the mistakes of my past.
All I can hope for is that I will continue to grow and one day become the best version of myself that I can possibly be in this life. I understand that life is more of a work in progress and sometimes growth means owning up to your mistakes. The pain I have felt has definitely spurred me to want to change and grow as a person now that I know what darkness truly looks like. I hope that in time I can soften my edges even more and let more people in than I have. The trauma should not hold me down to the point that it holds me back from becoming the person I am destined to become.
With that said, I hope everyone is okay. I will probably post some art again sometime in the near future. Keep an eye out for my updates and if you need to reach me, the fastest way to reach me is through my discord, sorcerydeer. But you can always DM me here if you want to say hello. But I leave that choice to you guys.
- Sincerely, Nello
Best of luck for your future!