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New house, still not functional.
a year ago
In April I was able to secure safer housing, so that I will no longer be in a stressful and dangerous domestic situation. Unfortunately, the toll it took on me is heavy. Last year, I was in the depths of the fourth major burnout of my life. What I needed last year, above all else, was peace and space to recover. Instead what I got was several months of relentless screaming and drunken violence as my erstwhile friend and his screaming psycho bitch girlfriend repeatedly re-enacted the Jerry Springer Show outside my bedroom. He had several violent, enraged outbursts in which he smashed things, beat his head violently against things, threatened me with physical violence, and mentioned repeatedly that he had a gun (invariably whilst in a drunken rage.)
The worst such episode of screaming drunken violence, which I alluded to in my previous journal, was the one that happened after he drank some Fireball on the night of Saturday, October 7th.
It broke me, and I was already broken. And when somebody needs--desperately, actually needs--peace and recovery and gets screaming and drunken violence and threats of literal armed force instead, that does deep, long-term damage. So that's where I'm at. The fifth major burnout, along with the loss of neurological functioning it entails, within the depths of the fourth. Recursive burnout amplified by domestic violence.
I will not be able to finish my current queue before the end of the year, and I do not expect to open for commissions again for at least two years. It will take me at least that long to recover (enough to draw again with any regularity--full recovery is unrealistic) from what has been done to me and what it has done to my mind.
A combination of complex trauma from child abuse, many years of unsustainable workloads, and having the peace I needed to heal taken away from me when I needed it most has left me an utterly broken dragon and essentially obliterated my ability to function as an artist--or anything else, for that matter. My only hope is that this time, I will be allowed to heal, insofar as I ever will.
The worst such episode of screaming drunken violence, which I alluded to in my previous journal, was the one that happened after he drank some Fireball on the night of Saturday, October 7th.
It broke me, and I was already broken. And when somebody needs--desperately, actually needs--peace and recovery and gets screaming and drunken violence and threats of literal armed force instead, that does deep, long-term damage. So that's where I'm at. The fifth major burnout, along with the loss of neurological functioning it entails, within the depths of the fourth. Recursive burnout amplified by domestic violence.
I will not be able to finish my current queue before the end of the year, and I do not expect to open for commissions again for at least two years. It will take me at least that long to recover (enough to draw again with any regularity--full recovery is unrealistic) from what has been done to me and what it has done to my mind.
A combination of complex trauma from child abuse, many years of unsustainable workloads, and having the peace I needed to heal taken away from me when I needed it most has left me an utterly broken dragon and essentially obliterated my ability to function as an artist--or anything else, for that matter. My only hope is that this time, I will be allowed to heal, insofar as I ever will.
Nonetheless, I appreciate the kind wishes.