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Sometimes...
a year ago
Sometimes I'm scared.
I wake up after a sour dream feeling very scared of what little future I have left. A future that I sometimes fear will have me either in an political internment camp, or dead by summary execution. Because I do openly queer things.
I know some of you will say this is overreacting. I tend to believe that people throughout history and in places besides the United States of America would understand better.
As an Absurdist, I don't necessarily fear physical death. I'm supposed to avoid it as much as possible so I can continue to observe the Absurd unfold in the lives of everyone and myself.
What I fear more than queer concentration camps or lynch mobs, is the philosophical suicide I may have to commit in order to survive.
I'm white. Blonde hair, blue eyes, six-foot-two and usually present male because I work too much to dress up otherwise and fear losing my job because I non-binary status would become too inconvenient. I could pass as the status quo. I do it more often than I would like to, and that already kills me inside so much every day.
I don't know if I'd want to live in a world where I could no longer even attempt to feel like how I want to when I can. Where I'd be pretending to love my country, the Judeo-Christian god YHWH, and moral absolutism. From my current point in time, I think death would be a more comfortable outcome.
But I also know I'm a coward. I couldn't let that happen. I'll mask. I'll find a beard and never see my girlfriends again. I'll learn to want to just grill for God's sake! I'm not strong enough right now to stand up for myself.
...
...And then I go about my day and these feelings subside. I forget this flavor of anxiety and move on. I've had this anxiety for a long time, but this is the first time I've really been able to put it down in text.
I know I'm potentially hyperbolizing. I get I'm being a bit... much... with all this. But it's been a creeping feeling for a long time.
And though I don't put my real name here, I still have a decent amount of furry porn linked to my accounts if someone were to come snooping for anything indecent...
I wake up after a sour dream feeling very scared of what little future I have left. A future that I sometimes fear will have me either in an political internment camp, or dead by summary execution. Because I do openly queer things.
I know some of you will say this is overreacting. I tend to believe that people throughout history and in places besides the United States of America would understand better.
As an Absurdist, I don't necessarily fear physical death. I'm supposed to avoid it as much as possible so I can continue to observe the Absurd unfold in the lives of everyone and myself.
What I fear more than queer concentration camps or lynch mobs, is the philosophical suicide I may have to commit in order to survive.
I'm white. Blonde hair, blue eyes, six-foot-two and usually present male because I work too much to dress up otherwise and fear losing my job because I non-binary status would become too inconvenient. I could pass as the status quo. I do it more often than I would like to, and that already kills me inside so much every day.
I don't know if I'd want to live in a world where I could no longer even attempt to feel like how I want to when I can. Where I'd be pretending to love my country, the Judeo-Christian god YHWH, and moral absolutism. From my current point in time, I think death would be a more comfortable outcome.
But I also know I'm a coward. I couldn't let that happen. I'll mask. I'll find a beard and never see my girlfriends again. I'll learn to want to just grill for God's sake! I'm not strong enough right now to stand up for myself.
...
...And then I go about my day and these feelings subside. I forget this flavor of anxiety and move on. I've had this anxiety for a long time, but this is the first time I've really been able to put it down in text.
I know I'm potentially hyperbolizing. I get I'm being a bit... much... with all this. But it's been a creeping feeling for a long time.
And though I don't put my real name here, I still have a decent amount of furry porn linked to my accounts if someone were to come snooping for anything indecent...
While the fears are absolutely justified, given history, I also don't think it'll go that far, though that might just be naive wishful thinking on my part.
Years later, there is a part of me that permanently, angrily, and above all entirely sincerely believes that we as a society should round up and execute everyone in America born before 1970; a part of me that believes that, while doing such a thing wouldn't solve *all* our problems, it sure would solve a lot of them, as well as defang a bunch of the rest. And the rest of me isn't entirely sure that part is wrong, either.
I'm not entirely sure where I'm going with this, I've just been having thoughts about the above a whole hell of a lot lately, especially after the presidential debate. I guess I'm just saying it's hard to cope with current events in a healthy fashion and you're not the only one in this boat, I guess.
(Also, let me just reiterate: "We must go without hope, there is always vengeance!" -Aragorn, Ralph Bakshi's adaptation of The Lord of the Rings)