The first friend is someone I knew since nearly the start of me being in the fandom, so 20+ years. I made a stupid half-serious comment about how he is unable to be around people at all and he just shut me out. He didn't block me until some harassment though; I figured I could annoy him with random silly messages enough to make him mad and yell at me or something, just to get him talking. We took jabs and annoyed each other in a friendly manner, so I didn't think it would be a big deal. I did get mad during it though and said some things that might have made things worse. Though I have no idea if he even saw what was written since the indications of messages being read by the recipient wasn't indicated.

I sent some money to him afterwards via PayPal with a message I'll always think of him as a friend, partially to send one last message and to also give some cash since he's back in a bad environment and possibly not working.

The other person was someone I knew irl whom moved away. I suck at keeping up with people if I don't have something interesting to say, so it had been almost a year since we last messaged each other. I asked to see if he, since he knew me well irl, to do a questionnaire for determining if I am neurodivergent. I did mention that I sucked at keeping up with people after I realized it had been a while and I was asking a favor, annoyed with myself. He just said he couldn't due to things going on where he is at, and I just said "ok, it should just be an email though. What's going on over there?" And that was the last I heard from him. He blocked me with no indication of being angry with me or anything, phone number and everything. Sent an email with my alternate account, nothing.

Maybe he just didn't want to talk about stuff, I don't know, but if that's the case, just tell me that, don't kill a friendship over it.

I never understood why people are so reluctant to try to work things out, especially online. What's the point of having a friendship if, no matter the depth of it, you can just throw it away? To me it's a form of betrayal, and I've had so much of that in my life.

And yes, I am fully aware that I am bad at giving space in these situations, but as I said, it's a betrayal in my eyes and I don't forge bonds with a lot of people so those that I do are special for me. I get rather desperate to fix things due to these things.

Though, while I have went through a deep depression for a week or so about it, I am not nearly as bad as I used to be with being desperate. I come to expect it now. I feel now that it's basically inevitable. You will leave or you will betray me, so why should I bother? Why should I make the effort of being close to you? Yes, I'm not perfect, I can have a mouth on me when I'm angry, or in the first case here, mad that they are incapable of functioning in society and I was that angry-worried thing people do when you just want the best for them.

Note: "you" is not referring to anyone in particular.

Then someone else recently just disappeared too, deleting their telegram out of the blue. That's most likely due to a personal situation, but still, it's another loss.