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The Struggle
a year ago
(CW: trauma, child abuse, mental health)
I write journals to myself so often; I should write journals for others to see too.
Hey all, been a bit. Sorry I've been posting less in general and have been more scarce all-around. I've been taking the past few years to try and improve my health/mental health. It's been a rough go and my work ethic has suffered, but I'm taking steps every day to try and improve. To heal. A couple years ago I found out the hard way that trauma doesn't go away. It stays and festers and changes you in ways you can't even see. It tends to not come out until you feel safe enough to start processing it. Finally got to that point where it was safe enough to remember.
I started having flashbacks of my terrible childhood and the various abuses I suffered at the hands of (mostly) family members. It explains... so much of what I struggle with to this day. I had kind of blocked it out and rejected "home" as soon as I could. No one back home cared or was attentive to my needs and so I never learned how to have my needs met, never learned to work toward something better, abandoned intimacy as something that had been beaten out of me, and was always stuck in survival mode with limbic brain in full effect. Well. That's different now and I can model my life as a place without such chaos. I wish I had been able to understand this sooner, but that's just how it goes with CPTSD.
So its been rough. Most days, my mental health keeps me from working as much as I'd like. I don't want to use that as an excuse - I want to tell my story. I've had to study it, dissect it, read books about it. I've been beaten and betrayed and I am often uncomfortable with myself and others, and I know why now. It took a lot of therapy and medicine and my mind splitting into pieces, but we finally got there! People keep expressing surprise when they find out what my boundaries are so I'm just gonna drop it here; being close to people does not come naturally to me, and it can take a lot of effort from both parties for that to even happen. If you are in my personal space, I am on high alert. My social phobia is at an all-time high even as I take steps to heal. Conventions are scary and overstimulating, where they used to be a big source of my creative energy.
I'm hoping that when the wounds finally heal I can comfortably sit with a drawing again without chronic depression and dysregulation kicking my ass. I'm not looking for pity. I just want to be understood.
I write journals to myself so often; I should write journals for others to see too.
Hey all, been a bit. Sorry I've been posting less in general and have been more scarce all-around. I've been taking the past few years to try and improve my health/mental health. It's been a rough go and my work ethic has suffered, but I'm taking steps every day to try and improve. To heal. A couple years ago I found out the hard way that trauma doesn't go away. It stays and festers and changes you in ways you can't even see. It tends to not come out until you feel safe enough to start processing it. Finally got to that point where it was safe enough to remember.
I started having flashbacks of my terrible childhood and the various abuses I suffered at the hands of (mostly) family members. It explains... so much of what I struggle with to this day. I had kind of blocked it out and rejected "home" as soon as I could. No one back home cared or was attentive to my needs and so I never learned how to have my needs met, never learned to work toward something better, abandoned intimacy as something that had been beaten out of me, and was always stuck in survival mode with limbic brain in full effect. Well. That's different now and I can model my life as a place without such chaos. I wish I had been able to understand this sooner, but that's just how it goes with CPTSD.
So its been rough. Most days, my mental health keeps me from working as much as I'd like. I don't want to use that as an excuse - I want to tell my story. I've had to study it, dissect it, read books about it. I've been beaten and betrayed and I am often uncomfortable with myself and others, and I know why now. It took a lot of therapy and medicine and my mind splitting into pieces, but we finally got there! People keep expressing surprise when they find out what my boundaries are so I'm just gonna drop it here; being close to people does not come naturally to me, and it can take a lot of effort from both parties for that to even happen. If you are in my personal space, I am on high alert. My social phobia is at an all-time high even as I take steps to heal. Conventions are scary and overstimulating, where they used to be a big source of my creative energy.
I'm hoping that when the wounds finally heal I can comfortably sit with a drawing again without chronic depression and dysregulation kicking my ass. I'm not looking for pity. I just want to be understood.
Unfortunately I also came from a home where my parents were emotionally unavailable & have those uncomfortable flashbacks as well. My mom was the bread winner & wore the pants around the house, My dad was a machanic - My brother got everything handed to him - even if I was told I would be rewarded for being good, It never came. I was beaten & yelled at because my father couldn't check his anger back then. My mom did basically nothing to fix the situation in the house. You would also expect a mom to cuddle or hug you? My mother left us alone to our own devices. I only ever herd the words "I am proud of you" come from my fathers mouth after MANY years of trying to meand that crushed relationship with him. My father was a real man, apologized & did everything he could to fix the relationship he broke years ago. My mother is still the empty hearted narcissist she always was & that deeply breaks a part of me I still try to sufficate to this day because I know she wont ever change..
Take it from me - Those flashbacks are not just a curse..They are a blessing in disguise. They were sealed away because you weren't ready to face them- Now you have a chance to sit back, remember- Cry your heart out if you have to..But they are hints to how to heal ones self. I am sorry you had to go throught that all, I trully am & as a surviver I am & will always be here to help others if they want or need me. If you ever need to talk about it, I will gladly listen & share what I can.
Best wishes & may all things good come your way.
During my childhood we had 9 dogs. I'd roam and play with them, get lost out in the woods and follow them home, get so caked in mud my parents would have to hose me off before I came back in the house. I'd even eat kibble with them. I'd always laugh and say "I was pretty much a furry from the start." But now that I'm an adult I can look back and say... Who the fuck would let their toddler play with a pack of dogs in a drainage ditch all day, unsupervised? Who would try to raise NINE dogs at the same time as their three children, who they are already neglecting? Why was I running away from home regularly, with no shoes, no friends, always playing outside? Because home was fucked up!!!
There have been a lot of memories worth crying over. I haven't seen them as a blessing but I will bow to your wisdom in this. Everything I've read and heard says you must process these memories to truly move on.
Been a lot going on with me too, but to be fair at least a chunk of it has been good, and I miss hearing from you.
If it's not a bother I'll drop you a line, see if we can reconnect. And, of course, if you manage to work it all out - I'd love to get art from you again, the pieces you've done for me already are some of my favourites.
I wish you the best on your jounry my man
Look after yourself, aye? I know, myself, that it isn't an easy task at the best of times. I hope things improve, and I hope that improvement doesn't come with too much difficulty.
As someone who also has PTSD it is a lot to juggle with social life and personal feelings, and it can be very tricky to balance a healthy response habit with it. I hope everything you're going through at the moment leaves you at peace with yourself and your life, and that there will always be a community to help you out.
it's hard work, but we keep working on it
so proud of you Gor ♥ so, so glad to have met you, and so, so glad things are brightening up, even if it's hard work
always here, nudge me whenever. care about you lots ♥