From someone in a similar position, grasping at what few things feel worthwhile enough to remain grounded and present for? I hope you don't reflect negatively upon yourself for the way things have turned out, or blame yourself for letting things "devolve" to what they are now. Not a psych, not going to diagnose you with anything, but for me it's depression. Makes it hard to get out of bed some days, makes it seem pointless and impossible to try and find more reasons to want to keep pushing. Makes it seem like I'm just going to be stuck with this lot in life, and that's just how things're meant to be. Even in spite of all the little voices yelling at me and telling me I'm no good, it's my fault, it's just the way things gotta be, I'm still here and trying to look for positives in the future. Hard as that is as of late.

For me it's my gran and my sister, but I never see the latter due to being on the opposite side of the country. My gran won't be around forever, but she hears and sees my struggles and tells me that the one thing she still wants in her life is to see me finding more reasons to carry on, so that I don't potentially prematurely end my life before it even really begins. That she won't be disappointed if I don't, but that it would make her happier than ever to know I have reason to keep going. I'd like to imagine that even as your pups grow older, even as they pass, that they'll want more than anything for you to stay strong and keep your chin up. Don't believe in higher powers or anything after death, but even so? I'm sure they'd be looking down on you from some form of heaven made exclusively for good boys and girls and rooting for you.

Life's hard. Life absolutely blows at times, life's not fair or just, but if nothing else? We should try and offer those special few closest to us that bit of reassurance that we'll keep going even after they're gone. Your girl, far away as she is, probably understands and will love you regardless, but I imagine she'd probably be worse off if you were to remove yourself from the equation. Whether that be an end of your life, or complete withdrawal from putting yourself out there, or what. There are more good boys and girls for you out there, and through them, if nobody and nothing else, you'll be able to find purpose. I hope.

Bring on the dogs, I say. Reasons to carry on rarely fall in anyone's lap anymore, so you'll have to find those new pups to shower in affection, but they're out there.

People suck, but I hope you find new tethers.

Thank you much for all of the kind words! I have been trying to remind myself over and over again that there's still so much value in what is left. It's hard to find new reasons to get out of bed every day (in my experience, these things sort of just have to happen on their own), but as long as I still have even one, I owe it to myself and them to cherish them with everything I've got left.

Again...not suicidal or anything, but just...kinda afraid of the future. I'm okay for now, but in 10 years?

I suppose I should just try to worry about that in 10 years.

I understand that uncertainty. It's something I'm struggling with myself, but I keep telling myself that I've at least gotta try to find some reason to carry on. It's the least I can do for myself. For my gran. My sister. I'm trying to find more of my own tethers, but am struggling.

We've gotta keep trying even if it's hard. It's still better than the alternatives, no matter how much it sucks. Trying and seeing what the future holds will be better at the end of the day. I hope things improve for us both, and hope to see evidence of you hanging in there moving forwards. Stay strong, chin up. It's hard, but there are still things to push on for, regardless of if we can see it immediately or otherwise.

I really understand the “Not suicidal yet feeling like you have very little to hold on and grasp” feeling. It’s not a fun feeling.