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Politely, please stop asking if I'm okay... I am not.
a year ago
General
I cannot express to you, how tired I am of telling people I don't want to answer this question. You don't want me to answer this question. How I really feel would break you down to your very marrow and leave a blackness within your bones from which there is only decay and desolation. This is how I feel.
I feel as though I spent my entire life with rose colored glasses. As if people told me to be kind, honorable, and good; while not even understanding the concept of these words as the manipulate through the world.
No ones perfect. I have not been perfect. But I have strived, and I have succeeded more often that not, despite opposition, skeptics, and even coordinated attacks against me, my character, and the dreams I am pursuing. As with anyone, I am villain to some, hero to others. But much more people have cause to celebrate me than speak ill. And I've helped far more people than who've lives are considered less for having met me.
This is the trial. This is life. You pursue your goals and dreams, while uplifting and supporting those around you. Because as much as you bitch, moan, and complain about an unfair world, unfair life, unfair people and situations, you know somewhere inside of you that you can't put negativity in and get positivity out.
I mean, we know that right. We know no matter what it looks like. Negativity in is only going to double and return to us. Some don't believe this cause they are either the chosen few, lucky as fuck, or blind to the fact negativity don't always return the way you sent it out. For this finding a safe way to pursue positivity is paramount. And you have a moral obligation to yourself and society that allows for repeated tries and failures, no matter how crazy, disappointing, or goddamn weirdly negative our society can be. We want positivity from it for the positivity we put into it. But that too feels like diminishing returns.
I won't get into details about my personal situation right now. Revelations, horrors, and things that have shaken me to my core. This is not for you to know. I am, in the grand scheme of things simply another suffering cry in the darkness. No more important than the next. Not important to the society, community, or group. Only individuals can give me any importance on a case by case basis, so the easier it is for me not to be an individual, just another person, the more likely it is no one will give a shit about you.
I survived a lot. I dealt with a lot. But I'm just another person. What I have dealt with, am dealing with, isn't important. Everyone has their own shit. Own trials. I'm not the first or last person whose life will be ruined by the recklessness and inconsideration of others. There are five children homeless and parentless who can attest to the fact that nothing I feel, nothing I'm going through, nothing I went through, and nothing I worked for matters. Swallow it, and do what needs to be done.
Are you okay? How you holding up? You gonna be alright?
No... NO.... NO!!!
But none of those questions matter anymore.
Here's the real questions. How can you afford to take on two more children? How are these children and the issues they have being raised in abused and disastrous environment going to impact your son? I never had a daughter, now I must navigate the intricacies of raising one with emotional, physical, and mental issues who was deprive of love, safety, and decency for too long? Are you up to the task? Well... I know the answer to that one.
You better be, you don't really have a say in the matter.
I can cry no tears. I can feel no pain. I cannot share the anger, disappointment, and unyielding revulsion I have for many of the people involved in this situation. There are family I will never speak to again. There family I may physical harm if I am in the same room as them. And there is a heavy amount of guilt because I trusted family to take care of their family and they did not. Now you're gone and the full width and breath of your failure is exposed to us all and I can only shed quiet tears for your children. And I cannot mourn you as I should because my time, effort, and resources need to go to fixing the mess you've left me.
So... that's how I'm doing. I'm not okay. When you think to ask me again, come back and read this. I'm certain this will be true for years to come.
I feel as though I spent my entire life with rose colored glasses. As if people told me to be kind, honorable, and good; while not even understanding the concept of these words as the manipulate through the world.
No ones perfect. I have not been perfect. But I have strived, and I have succeeded more often that not, despite opposition, skeptics, and even coordinated attacks against me, my character, and the dreams I am pursuing. As with anyone, I am villain to some, hero to others. But much more people have cause to celebrate me than speak ill. And I've helped far more people than who've lives are considered less for having met me.
This is the trial. This is life. You pursue your goals and dreams, while uplifting and supporting those around you. Because as much as you bitch, moan, and complain about an unfair world, unfair life, unfair people and situations, you know somewhere inside of you that you can't put negativity in and get positivity out.
I mean, we know that right. We know no matter what it looks like. Negativity in is only going to double and return to us. Some don't believe this cause they are either the chosen few, lucky as fuck, or blind to the fact negativity don't always return the way you sent it out. For this finding a safe way to pursue positivity is paramount. And you have a moral obligation to yourself and society that allows for repeated tries and failures, no matter how crazy, disappointing, or goddamn weirdly negative our society can be. We want positivity from it for the positivity we put into it. But that too feels like diminishing returns.
I won't get into details about my personal situation right now. Revelations, horrors, and things that have shaken me to my core. This is not for you to know. I am, in the grand scheme of things simply another suffering cry in the darkness. No more important than the next. Not important to the society, community, or group. Only individuals can give me any importance on a case by case basis, so the easier it is for me not to be an individual, just another person, the more likely it is no one will give a shit about you.
I survived a lot. I dealt with a lot. But I'm just another person. What I have dealt with, am dealing with, isn't important. Everyone has their own shit. Own trials. I'm not the first or last person whose life will be ruined by the recklessness and inconsideration of others. There are five children homeless and parentless who can attest to the fact that nothing I feel, nothing I'm going through, nothing I went through, and nothing I worked for matters. Swallow it, and do what needs to be done.
Are you okay? How you holding up? You gonna be alright?
No... NO.... NO!!!
But none of those questions matter anymore.
Here's the real questions. How can you afford to take on two more children? How are these children and the issues they have being raised in abused and disastrous environment going to impact your son? I never had a daughter, now I must navigate the intricacies of raising one with emotional, physical, and mental issues who was deprive of love, safety, and decency for too long? Are you up to the task? Well... I know the answer to that one.
You better be, you don't really have a say in the matter.
I can cry no tears. I can feel no pain. I cannot share the anger, disappointment, and unyielding revulsion I have for many of the people involved in this situation. There are family I will never speak to again. There family I may physical harm if I am in the same room as them. And there is a heavy amount of guilt because I trusted family to take care of their family and they did not. Now you're gone and the full width and breath of your failure is exposed to us all and I can only shed quiet tears for your children. And I cannot mourn you as I should because my time, effort, and resources need to go to fixing the mess you've left me.
So... that's how I'm doing. I'm not okay. When you think to ask me again, come back and read this. I'm certain this will be true for years to come.
I always hate that question too.
My answer is "I could always be better, but I am alive"
Or as I saw somewhere on Twitter the other day:
"The horrors persist, but so do I." ☕
Thank you for that.
"If you're going through Hell, keep going..."
That's about all that needs to be said. Except for one thing more. As I'm probably more privy to what is happening right now, may I just say one thing?
I BELIEVE IN YOU. Even if these are trying times. I've known you a long time, seen you get into some really terrible ordeals, and you've come out of them. You'll get through this one too.
It's like you said. You have to.
But sometimes I just tell myself to keep going even if life isn’t perfect and all. I just live my life one day at a time
If someone asks me that question I give them the truth with both barrels of how I am feeling at that point in time.
I feel like there are far too few rays of light in the darkness and far too many clinging to that light screaming into the darkness. I see it every day.
Just remember this story
Once a king called upon all of his wise men and asked them, ” Is there a mantra or suggestion which works in every situation, in every circumstances, in every place and in every time. In every joy, every sorrow, every defeat and every victory? One answer for all questions? Something which can help me when none of you is available to advise me? Tell me is there any mantra?”
All the wise men were puzzled by the King’s question. They thought and thought. After a lengthy discussion, an old man suggested something which appealed to all of them. They went to the king and gave him something written on paper, with a condition that the king was not to see it out of curiosity.
Only in extreme danger, when the King finds himself alone and there seems to be no way, only then he can see it. The King put the papers under his Diamond ring.
Some time later, the neighbors attacked the Kingdom. King and his army fought bravely but lost the battle. The King had to flee on his horse. The enemies were following him. getting closer and closer. Suddenly the King found himself standing at the end of the road - that road was not going anywhere. Underneath there was a rocky valley thousand feet deep. If he jumped into it, he would be finished…and he could not return because it was a small road…the sound of enemy’s horses was approaching fast. The King became restless. There seemed to be no way.
Then suddenly he saw the Diamond in his ring shining in the sun, and he remembered the message hidden in the ring. He opened the diamond and read the message. The message was – “ THIS TOO SHALL PASS ”
The King read it . Again read it. Suddenly something struck him- Yes ! This too will pass. Only a few days ago, I was enjoying my kingdom. I was the mightiest of all the Kings. Yet today, the Kingdom and all my pleasures have gone. I am here trying to escape from enemies. Like those days of luxuries have gone, this day of danger too will pass. A calm came on his face. He kept standing there. The place where he was standing was full of natural beauty. He had never known that such a beautiful place was also a part of his Kingdom.
The revelation of the message had a great effect on him. He relaxed and forgot about those following him. After a few minutes he realized that the noise of the horses and the enemy coming was receding. They moved into some other part of the mountains and were nowhere near him.
The King was very brave. He reorganized his army and fought again. He defeated the enemy and regained his empire. When he returned to his empire after victory, he was received with much fanfare. The whole capital was rejoicing in the victory.
Everyone was in a festive mood. Flowers were being showered on King from every house, from every corner. People were dancing and singing. For a moment King said to himself, “ I am one of the bravest and greatest King. It is not easy to defeat me. With all the reception and celebration he saw an ego emerging in him. ”
Suddenly the Diamond of his ring flashed in the sunlight and reminded him of the message. He open it and read it again: “ THIS TOO SHALL PASS ”.
He became silent. His face went through a total change - from the egoist he moved to a state of utter humbleness. If this too is going to pass, it is not yours. The defeat was not yours, the victory is not yours. You are just a watcher. Everything passes by. We are witnesses of all this. We are the perceivers. Life comes and goes. Happiness comes and goes. Sorrow comes and goes.