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Burnt Fins Update #2
a year ago
-- Probably the most important journal about me --
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SO! Last we left off, it was JUST into January of 2024, and the end of the year had been AWFUl, and had just gotten a whole bunch worse because when I, a homeowner who was utterly DONE with how my house had been mistreated by my renting housemates and their absolute stubborn refusal to help me DO anything about it, in fact OBSTRUCTING me from doing anything about it, went and while they were off at a con without me took matters into my own hands and FIXED UP MY DAMN HOUSE. ONLY for them to come back and UTTERLY ram a damn SPIKE up my ass over having done so, despite literally cleaning up mold for them and making it possible for them to MOVE.
WELL. Let's just say, that whole incident got in fact WORSE. So I mentioned that they didn't pay any rent for December when they got back? Well I tried asking for it and they refused to respond about it... and then January ended, and they continued to refuse talking about it. Now call me a pushover if you want, but at the time I was like "Ok, if they're pissed enough they wanna skip December rent, then fine, I don't like that but I got money in the bank, I can live with it, if they get back to paying rent from here on we can move on."
Well January ends and... no rent. again. I'd been giving them their space to calm down and move on hopefully, but yeah January goes and now I'm worrying. Cause in order to continue to afford my house indefinitely, I NEED the rent from housemates, that's why I have them in the first place. $800 a month for two folks is a great damn deal and not a lot, but it also covers my base lot rent so all I need to pay is all the other expenses like electric, internet, insurance, etc. Which all together costs about $900 a month for. So I'm in fact still taking on the majority of the cost, but anyways.
We're now into THE END OF JANUARY and I'm just, in a fog. I have to confront them about this at some point, and thanks to my upbringing I am very much a non-confrontational person. I'm still thinking "Ok, if they get back to paying rent in February we can move forward still, I REALLY don't like it, but not as much as I hate having to hunt for housemates again cause I dunno how long it'll take to find someone who can RELIABLY handle $800 a month like these two do, because one works a whole lot making lots of money for amazon, and the other just sits home making a guaranteed $800 a month THEMSELVES off disability from the government, no job or nothing. They're the most stable renters I could ask for and have never asked to "hey can i pay less this month, money is tight" kind of thing. Until of course now, where we're 2 months without rent being paid, and I'm just, in a depressed funk doing nothing but playing video games on my off days and working the few work shifts I have, because I have ZERO control over what they actually do, and NO GOOD OPTIONS. Option 1: they get over this shit and start behaving like adults and get back to paying rent. GREAT, I'm STILL out $1600 though that I know I'm not gonna get. Option 2: I have to kick their asses out, they leave without issue, and I'm stuck paying ALL my costs, draining my bank account rapidly for I dunno how long it'll take to find someone else to take that space (which is especially tough cause they gotta be a furry, since I hold furry house parties every month, which have no dress code, and I don't wanna stop doing those.). Option 3: I kick them out, and they resist D8 Becoming squatters who claim they have a claim to the house legally because they've been here for 6 years and I stupidly have never had them sign a lease agreement D8. I LOVE MY HOUSE and DO NOT FUCKING WANT TO POTENTIALLY LOSE IT. and the way they acted in the first place yelling about how I was even IN their room while they were away was a "violation of their renters rights" makes me super afraid they're gonna go this way O_O
So yeah. I'm insanely stressed out, have nobody to help me out about all this, have absolutely no power over the situation, and my entire fate is in the hands of two folks who clearly hate me and are super pissed off and grudgy at me right now, oh and also SUCK at communication and have been (as I find out later) having LOTS of issues with the way I have been acting in my own house but have refused to TALK to me about ANY of them so I'm just blissfully autistic and unaware of any of it!
January 26th: Huh, one of their kitchen appliances they use isn't in the kitchen, that's weird.
January 27th: I wake up ad head out my room to go to the bathroom. Oh look! I see even more kitchen appliances that are theirs aren't in the kitchen, they're clearing the cupboards of their food stuff, and there's big cardboard boxes in the living room. OH FUCKING FANTASTIC. THEY ARE MOVING OUT. TODAY. RIGHT NOW. WITHOUT HAVING TOLD ME THEY WERE GONNA DO SO. SO NOT ONLY AM I NEVER GONNA SEE THE RENT FOR DECEMBER AND JANUARY FOR SURE, BUT THEY ARE ALSO FUCKING ME OVER BY ME NOT HAVING ANY TIME TO LOOK FOR A REPLACEMENT FOR THEM BEFORE THEY GO. GREAT! JUST, FUCKING GREAT!
I have basically one best friend who I trust here in the same state as me who like, regularly makes efforts to pay me back the money I lend him, who sleeps on my couch a night a week during the bowling league season cause he lives across the state now but still plays in his league he's been in for years since before he moved, and who I can open up to and vent to to talk about things who will understand and respect the fact that "just because I'm telling you this doesn't mean I want YOU to take control of the situation FOR me and start bombarding me with suggestions and telling me what to do, that's the LAST thing I want and why I DO NOT INFORM MY PARENTS about my life stuff (In fact, I've still yet to tell them about any of this situation today as of posting this.). And even he is just like, "Holy fucking shit these guys are so fucking immature and crossing so many lines here."
At this point though, when the night comes and they are actually fucking GONE, I am FUCKING relieved. Relieved that Option 3 has NOT happened, and at least I don't have to try and kick them out, they kicked themselves out, and I no longer have to deal with their childish fucking asses ever again. GOOD. FINE. I can live with this outcome, and at least the fucking month long hell of waiting is over.
I take a few days and with that one good friend I mentioned coming over for the weekend couch stay, me and him go through and HOLY FUCK CLEAN THE FUCKING HELL OUT OF THAT NOW MOSTLY EMPTY ROOM ONCE AND FOR ALL. and HOLY FUCK. Yeah, remember I talked about how much they abused the house from their lack of giving a shit and cleaning? yeah, the room was even worse. They put a hole in the wall moving their bed out, and did a hurried and awful patch job of covering the hole, the walls were caked in stains from their hands and feet at night against the walls, and the corners of the room that were behind furniture before have FUGGING MOLD TO CLEAN among the thick hairy dust layers. It takes like, two whole days to clean the room, but once it's done thank fuck it's done forever and good at long last and I love just being able to see and be in there again. a Whole new room of my own house! Oh yeah, time to clean and re-organize the REST of the house now too! Kitchen and living room take another whole day to get clean and organized, but I am just, HAPPY once I do because OMG for the first time in literally about half a decade, my house is FULLY CLEAN AND ORGANIZED. *content shark noisesssss*
Oh yeah, but I gotta find a new housemate now... one who can afford by themselves the $800 I was charging the both of them, or a duo of furs who are together and willing to share the room space @_@ greaaaaaat... I start posting around the NJ Furry telegram groups, and one of my oldest furry friends says he knows someone looking and can afford! Awesome :D I go and meet with them at their current spot, and they're lookin to move out within like, less than a few weeks time, and say the $800 would be cheap and easy :D WOO! Okay! This sounds great! They've got no issues with me or the house parties, have not a whole lot of stuff to move in so it'll all fit no prob, great! Let's do this!
3 days later: Oh I actually got somewhere else I'm moving into.
0_o ..... *CAN FEEL THE ANEURYSM FORMING IN MY HEAD*
Well on the SAME NIGHT actually, another friend of mine (one who is, unfortunately a lot LESS reliable about paying me back, but who I have been helping for a long time) and his boyfriend call me up. "Hey so uhhhh, my boyfriend's crazy ass mom who has hated us both until we said we were getting engaged and then was all lovey and accepting of us 6 months ago has changed their minds and issued a restraining order on us both TONIGHT and so we're being kicked out like, right now, the police outside, and we got nowhere to go or stay and also have like 2 and a half carloads worth of stuff to move NOW and our cat" 0_0
PAAAAAAART TWOOOOOOO BEGINS!
Soooooo, yeah. Them two are now here and uhhhhh, I guess I've found my new housemates, who have indeed agreed to do the $800 a month, but uhhhh, there's issues, mostly, FINANCIAL. I got no problem with either of them as people or anything, and immediately they are a fucking breath of fresh air in the way they are keeping things at least a LITTLE cleaner than the previous guys, and are respectful about like, asking and working with me FIRST before bringing in some new piece of kitchen equipment or furniture, recognizing this as MY HOUSE FIRST. But the finances. BF doesn't have a job at the moment, and the friend of mine is supporting them both plus the cat, has zero bank account balance saved, and is AWFUL at managing their money, has an AFWUL car finance they had to take cause they fucked up buying this car of theirs completely by waiting til the day before he needed to go back to work to buy it so he had zero ability to back out of the deal and the dealer shark smelled that blood in a SECOND and had us (oh yeah I was there as his driver and co-financer) waiting til end of day before giving us the "Take it or leave it" deal he knew we had no choice but to take. And the only saving grace to that is that they're in their 20's still and willing/able to work full time so they can GENERATE a lot of income.
Uhmmmm... So yeah. GREAT. I have housemates again that are willing to pay, but I'm extremely worried about their ABILITY to pay... Hello again stress! I missed you this past week! :D</sarcasm>
An that stress has bore out, luckily not in the extreme, but I did let them know the first few months because of their situation and fully knowing it all, that I'd be lenient with the rent somewhat, and here we are on month 7 and it's been $500, $500, $600, $600, $600, $600, and finally last month he gave me $700. 0_0 Soooooo, do the math real quick and realize, they're basically behind by almost 2 whole months worth. GREAT, lovely, wonderful. Luckily they have been giving more as time goes by and they HAVE gotten more of their feet under them, including the friend getting a new job this month that is paying them more, and is also gonna do random drug testing so he has to quit his weed addiction which he blows a lot of money on, so that's also good, and thus has pledged this coming month to start giving the full $800 a month and possibly more to make up for it while also having enough to build up a savings at last. GOOD.
Still though, looking at my bank account which is now down overall by 3.2k from where it WAS at the end of last year because of all this shit (which 3k IS enough to be considered a a VERY SUBSTANTIAL hit to my net savings. Not more than half yet, but close), has me still feeling stress.
OH! and it was enough stress that my favorite of my 2 jobs, the one I've hat at the NFL stadium now for 14 years, I got three write ups for incidents at because of the stress doing stuff (namely I couldn't sleep one night before an event day and was caught falling asleep on my feet by a supervisor on shift, then messed up while calling out sick and trying to use sick time I didn't have enough for and getting written up for that, and then for taking too long on a lunch break), that they FIRED me after 14 years, sending me into ANOTHER massive "I cannot lift a fucking finger right now" funk last month that LUCKILY I was able to be reinstated from thanks to a call to the union, though of course now I'm nervous as hell on shift because I'm one slip-up away from being re-fired of course. So yeah THAT'S stressful too.
And the movie industry being stupid and idiots with continuing to insist on producing shit movies and letting that strike go on for so long last year, means that there've been ZERO good movies up until now with Deadpool 3 and thus the movie theater job I have has only been giving ONE SHIFT A WEEK 0_0.
Sooooo, yeah I think that covers about everything, and, my god how did I not lose it and end up like, fucking stabbing someone this year? Oh yeah, cause the election hasn't actually happened yet and the nervous hope is that it currently looks and feels like Trump and his godawful plans to unilaterally declare himself king, seize control of the whole government, and establish "YOU MUST FOLLOW THE LAWS OF THE BIBLE"-land looks like it's going to be HANDILY defeated by the first actually GOOD SOUNDING campaigning democrat since Obama's campaign sixteen years ago. But like I said, it's a nervous hope right now cause I was one of those folks who thought Hillary was gonna slam-dunk the idiot and then, didn't. But for right now, I'm still at zero stabbings :P
an that's why I've been how I've been since 2024 started, and with the NFL season starting again soon I'm feeling a bit better and enough so that I've finally gone and organized my commissions again and taken on a number of them instead of the one-by-one's I've been doing in the background. But also yeah. Uhm. I came close to planning out a gofundme drive this year a couple times, but also have not because I've still got 4 digits worth of savings in the bank, and I know that every gofundme you do after the first are gonna produce diminishing returns, so for now, I'm holding off on the gofundme til I REALLY need it. Besides, what I need most in my life right now is just some stability going forwards. Like, once I start seeing that $800 a month in rent regularly and the NFL season ends and those 3 write-ups at the stadium expire and I'll no longer be 1 step away from losing the job I've loved for 14 years, I'll be WAY more comfortable. Still, if anyone WANTS to throw free money atm me, like, it will make me cry X3 my cashapp would be $jugglershark or just pay whatever you want for something from my gumroad page :) https://irongut.gumroad.com/
But yeah, I also just got a bunch of commissions too that I'll be working on steadily, so that was an influx of cash too :P thanks guys :) and the discord is up to date with all of them and their details and uhhhh, yeah :P So I'm doing alrighty-ish now, but man has this year been utterly stressful and I am more than ready for it to be over aside from the good parts :P
WELL. Let's just say, that whole incident got in fact WORSE. So I mentioned that they didn't pay any rent for December when they got back? Well I tried asking for it and they refused to respond about it... and then January ended, and they continued to refuse talking about it. Now call me a pushover if you want, but at the time I was like "Ok, if they're pissed enough they wanna skip December rent, then fine, I don't like that but I got money in the bank, I can live with it, if they get back to paying rent from here on we can move on."
Well January ends and... no rent. again. I'd been giving them their space to calm down and move on hopefully, but yeah January goes and now I'm worrying. Cause in order to continue to afford my house indefinitely, I NEED the rent from housemates, that's why I have them in the first place. $800 a month for two folks is a great damn deal and not a lot, but it also covers my base lot rent so all I need to pay is all the other expenses like electric, internet, insurance, etc. Which all together costs about $900 a month for. So I'm in fact still taking on the majority of the cost, but anyways.
We're now into THE END OF JANUARY and I'm just, in a fog. I have to confront them about this at some point, and thanks to my upbringing I am very much a non-confrontational person. I'm still thinking "Ok, if they get back to paying rent in February we can move forward still, I REALLY don't like it, but not as much as I hate having to hunt for housemates again cause I dunno how long it'll take to find someone who can RELIABLY handle $800 a month like these two do, because one works a whole lot making lots of money for amazon, and the other just sits home making a guaranteed $800 a month THEMSELVES off disability from the government, no job or nothing. They're the most stable renters I could ask for and have never asked to "hey can i pay less this month, money is tight" kind of thing. Until of course now, where we're 2 months without rent being paid, and I'm just, in a depressed funk doing nothing but playing video games on my off days and working the few work shifts I have, because I have ZERO control over what they actually do, and NO GOOD OPTIONS. Option 1: they get over this shit and start behaving like adults and get back to paying rent. GREAT, I'm STILL out $1600 though that I know I'm not gonna get. Option 2: I have to kick their asses out, they leave without issue, and I'm stuck paying ALL my costs, draining my bank account rapidly for I dunno how long it'll take to find someone else to take that space (which is especially tough cause they gotta be a furry, since I hold furry house parties every month, which have no dress code, and I don't wanna stop doing those.). Option 3: I kick them out, and they resist D8 Becoming squatters who claim they have a claim to the house legally because they've been here for 6 years and I stupidly have never had them sign a lease agreement D8. I LOVE MY HOUSE and DO NOT FUCKING WANT TO POTENTIALLY LOSE IT. and the way they acted in the first place yelling about how I was even IN their room while they were away was a "violation of their renters rights" makes me super afraid they're gonna go this way O_O
So yeah. I'm insanely stressed out, have nobody to help me out about all this, have absolutely no power over the situation, and my entire fate is in the hands of two folks who clearly hate me and are super pissed off and grudgy at me right now, oh and also SUCK at communication and have been (as I find out later) having LOTS of issues with the way I have been acting in my own house but have refused to TALK to me about ANY of them so I'm just blissfully autistic and unaware of any of it!
January 26th: Huh, one of their kitchen appliances they use isn't in the kitchen, that's weird.
January 27th: I wake up ad head out my room to go to the bathroom. Oh look! I see even more kitchen appliances that are theirs aren't in the kitchen, they're clearing the cupboards of their food stuff, and there's big cardboard boxes in the living room. OH FUCKING FANTASTIC. THEY ARE MOVING OUT. TODAY. RIGHT NOW. WITHOUT HAVING TOLD ME THEY WERE GONNA DO SO. SO NOT ONLY AM I NEVER GONNA SEE THE RENT FOR DECEMBER AND JANUARY FOR SURE, BUT THEY ARE ALSO FUCKING ME OVER BY ME NOT HAVING ANY TIME TO LOOK FOR A REPLACEMENT FOR THEM BEFORE THEY GO. GREAT! JUST, FUCKING GREAT!
I have basically one best friend who I trust here in the same state as me who like, regularly makes efforts to pay me back the money I lend him, who sleeps on my couch a night a week during the bowling league season cause he lives across the state now but still plays in his league he's been in for years since before he moved, and who I can open up to and vent to to talk about things who will understand and respect the fact that "just because I'm telling you this doesn't mean I want YOU to take control of the situation FOR me and start bombarding me with suggestions and telling me what to do, that's the LAST thing I want and why I DO NOT INFORM MY PARENTS about my life stuff (In fact, I've still yet to tell them about any of this situation today as of posting this.). And even he is just like, "Holy fucking shit these guys are so fucking immature and crossing so many lines here."
At this point though, when the night comes and they are actually fucking GONE, I am FUCKING relieved. Relieved that Option 3 has NOT happened, and at least I don't have to try and kick them out, they kicked themselves out, and I no longer have to deal with their childish fucking asses ever again. GOOD. FINE. I can live with this outcome, and at least the fucking month long hell of waiting is over.
I take a few days and with that one good friend I mentioned coming over for the weekend couch stay, me and him go through and HOLY FUCK CLEAN THE FUCKING HELL OUT OF THAT NOW MOSTLY EMPTY ROOM ONCE AND FOR ALL. and HOLY FUCK. Yeah, remember I talked about how much they abused the house from their lack of giving a shit and cleaning? yeah, the room was even worse. They put a hole in the wall moving their bed out, and did a hurried and awful patch job of covering the hole, the walls were caked in stains from their hands and feet at night against the walls, and the corners of the room that were behind furniture before have FUGGING MOLD TO CLEAN among the thick hairy dust layers. It takes like, two whole days to clean the room, but once it's done thank fuck it's done forever and good at long last and I love just being able to see and be in there again. a Whole new room of my own house! Oh yeah, time to clean and re-organize the REST of the house now too! Kitchen and living room take another whole day to get clean and organized, but I am just, HAPPY once I do because OMG for the first time in literally about half a decade, my house is FULLY CLEAN AND ORGANIZED. *content shark noisesssss*
Oh yeah, but I gotta find a new housemate now... one who can afford by themselves the $800 I was charging the both of them, or a duo of furs who are together and willing to share the room space @_@ greaaaaaat... I start posting around the NJ Furry telegram groups, and one of my oldest furry friends says he knows someone looking and can afford! Awesome :D I go and meet with them at their current spot, and they're lookin to move out within like, less than a few weeks time, and say the $800 would be cheap and easy :D WOO! Okay! This sounds great! They've got no issues with me or the house parties, have not a whole lot of stuff to move in so it'll all fit no prob, great! Let's do this!
3 days later: Oh I actually got somewhere else I'm moving into.
0_o ..... *CAN FEEL THE ANEURYSM FORMING IN MY HEAD*
Well on the SAME NIGHT actually, another friend of mine (one who is, unfortunately a lot LESS reliable about paying me back, but who I have been helping for a long time) and his boyfriend call me up. "Hey so uhhhh, my boyfriend's crazy ass mom who has hated us both until we said we were getting engaged and then was all lovey and accepting of us 6 months ago has changed their minds and issued a restraining order on us both TONIGHT and so we're being kicked out like, right now, the police outside, and we got nowhere to go or stay and also have like 2 and a half carloads worth of stuff to move NOW and our cat" 0_0
PAAAAAAART TWOOOOOOO BEGINS!
Soooooo, yeah. Them two are now here and uhhhhh, I guess I've found my new housemates, who have indeed agreed to do the $800 a month, but uhhhh, there's issues, mostly, FINANCIAL. I got no problem with either of them as people or anything, and immediately they are a fucking breath of fresh air in the way they are keeping things at least a LITTLE cleaner than the previous guys, and are respectful about like, asking and working with me FIRST before bringing in some new piece of kitchen equipment or furniture, recognizing this as MY HOUSE FIRST. But the finances. BF doesn't have a job at the moment, and the friend of mine is supporting them both plus the cat, has zero bank account balance saved, and is AWFUL at managing their money, has an AFWUL car finance they had to take cause they fucked up buying this car of theirs completely by waiting til the day before he needed to go back to work to buy it so he had zero ability to back out of the deal and the dealer shark smelled that blood in a SECOND and had us (oh yeah I was there as his driver and co-financer) waiting til end of day before giving us the "Take it or leave it" deal he knew we had no choice but to take. And the only saving grace to that is that they're in their 20's still and willing/able to work full time so they can GENERATE a lot of income.
Uhmmmm... So yeah. GREAT. I have housemates again that are willing to pay, but I'm extremely worried about their ABILITY to pay... Hello again stress! I missed you this past week! :D</sarcasm>
An that stress has bore out, luckily not in the extreme, but I did let them know the first few months because of their situation and fully knowing it all, that I'd be lenient with the rent somewhat, and here we are on month 7 and it's been $500, $500, $600, $600, $600, $600, and finally last month he gave me $700. 0_0 Soooooo, do the math real quick and realize, they're basically behind by almost 2 whole months worth. GREAT, lovely, wonderful. Luckily they have been giving more as time goes by and they HAVE gotten more of their feet under them, including the friend getting a new job this month that is paying them more, and is also gonna do random drug testing so he has to quit his weed addiction which he blows a lot of money on, so that's also good, and thus has pledged this coming month to start giving the full $800 a month and possibly more to make up for it while also having enough to build up a savings at last. GOOD.
Still though, looking at my bank account which is now down overall by 3.2k from where it WAS at the end of last year because of all this shit (which 3k IS enough to be considered a a VERY SUBSTANTIAL hit to my net savings. Not more than half yet, but close), has me still feeling stress.
OH! and it was enough stress that my favorite of my 2 jobs, the one I've hat at the NFL stadium now for 14 years, I got three write ups for incidents at because of the stress doing stuff (namely I couldn't sleep one night before an event day and was caught falling asleep on my feet by a supervisor on shift, then messed up while calling out sick and trying to use sick time I didn't have enough for and getting written up for that, and then for taking too long on a lunch break), that they FIRED me after 14 years, sending me into ANOTHER massive "I cannot lift a fucking finger right now" funk last month that LUCKILY I was able to be reinstated from thanks to a call to the union, though of course now I'm nervous as hell on shift because I'm one slip-up away from being re-fired of course. So yeah THAT'S stressful too.
And the movie industry being stupid and idiots with continuing to insist on producing shit movies and letting that strike go on for so long last year, means that there've been ZERO good movies up until now with Deadpool 3 and thus the movie theater job I have has only been giving ONE SHIFT A WEEK 0_0.
Sooooo, yeah I think that covers about everything, and, my god how did I not lose it and end up like, fucking stabbing someone this year? Oh yeah, cause the election hasn't actually happened yet and the nervous hope is that it currently looks and feels like Trump and his godawful plans to unilaterally declare himself king, seize control of the whole government, and establish "YOU MUST FOLLOW THE LAWS OF THE BIBLE"-land looks like it's going to be HANDILY defeated by the first actually GOOD SOUNDING campaigning democrat since Obama's campaign sixteen years ago. But like I said, it's a nervous hope right now cause I was one of those folks who thought Hillary was gonna slam-dunk the idiot and then, didn't. But for right now, I'm still at zero stabbings :P
an that's why I've been how I've been since 2024 started, and with the NFL season starting again soon I'm feeling a bit better and enough so that I've finally gone and organized my commissions again and taken on a number of them instead of the one-by-one's I've been doing in the background. But also yeah. Uhm. I came close to planning out a gofundme drive this year a couple times, but also have not because I've still got 4 digits worth of savings in the bank, and I know that every gofundme you do after the first are gonna produce diminishing returns, so for now, I'm holding off on the gofundme til I REALLY need it. Besides, what I need most in my life right now is just some stability going forwards. Like, once I start seeing that $800 a month in rent regularly and the NFL season ends and those 3 write-ups at the stadium expire and I'll no longer be 1 step away from losing the job I've loved for 14 years, I'll be WAY more comfortable. Still, if anyone WANTS to throw free money atm me, like, it will make me cry X3 my cashapp would be $jugglershark or just pay whatever you want for something from my gumroad page :) https://irongut.gumroad.com/
But yeah, I also just got a bunch of commissions too that I'll be working on steadily, so that was an influx of cash too :P thanks guys :) and the discord is up to date with all of them and their details and uhhhh, yeah :P So I'm doing alrighty-ish now, but man has this year been utterly stressful and I am more than ready for it to be over aside from the good parts :P
I still am just flabberghasted about what the former housemates did and how massive of a hit it had on me psychologically for a good while there. like, fug.