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a year ago
Hey everyone!
It's been a while... I am, fortunately or not, alive.
Where have I been, what happened? Well...Let's start from the beginning.
(If you just wanna know what's gonna happen next without explanation why, go to the last paragraph)
A few years ago(man, does that sentence sound surreal to write) my life suddenly started falling apart. My beloved pet passed away after sickness. Then soon after a family member got ill and I had to take care of them and their many pets while being already drained. Lockdown. More family members getting sick, now with covid. My laptop died, taking a lot of data with it. I myself got sick and diagnosed with anemia on top of it. By that point my mental health was spiraling down out of control. Gradually I lost contact with pretty much everyone, including close friends, completely secluding myself in a very dark place. I didn't live anymore, I existed. Spending all the scraps of energy that remained simply to keep myself alive. After a while my physical health improved, but my mental state was at all time low. I had to block windows, just in case, cause I couldn't trust myself and the thoughts that were going on in my head were terrifying. The only thing I kept telling myself was "One more day. Hold on just one more day. It will get better".
Days turned into weeks, weeks into months... The unread messages from friends, the unfinished commissions, unfulfilled promises. All of it keeping my mind in a constant panic, guilt and shame. I knew I needed to come back. To at least tell everyone what's going on. But my mind kept telling me I can't come back empty-handed. Gone for so long and returning with nothing? What a failure of a human. I tried to work on things, but just picking up pen and tablet would send me into a panic attack. I was trying to wait it out, hoping things would get easier at some point and the panic would dissipate...but, obviously it was only getting worse. Especially every time I looked at the calendar as days seemed to rush by. Time both moved lightning fast and stood still.
Somehow, all this time I felt like it's simply a problem of my poor character and not the depression getting a tight grip on my brain. I suppose I just...felt like I had to push through, just like I was told many times by family(that doesn't believe in mental health). I felt like the doctor would just dismiss me if I showed up and explained myself, digging me deeper into the cage of shame. But after a long time I finally got an appointment in secret, because I felt like I either give it a try or won't survive. And, of course, was diagnosed with depression and a few other unfun things. I got prescribed antidepressants. The pills of course didn't cure me, but at least the scary thoughts of ending everything stopped and I got back to a few people. Quite some time passed since then. I'm still pretty unwell and aren't able to get into therapy but I'm a bit better, considering I'm writing this. I'm trying to get out of this dark place and to at least finish what I had to long time ago.
So to everyone, I'm sorry. I know I should've came back years ago when things only started to get out of control. But unfortunately I didn't. Which made everything worse. I'll try my best to slowly finish all the pending commissions. If you had one - please leave me a message, in case I lost it with my laptop data and we'll try to work things out. When I finish it you can ask me for art of the same quality with any char/chars for free, as my apology for the trouble. Also, since FA's been having problems, just to be safe let me know where else I can keep contact with you, be that Discord/Telegram or WhatsApp.
I hope you're all keeping well and I'll see you again soon!
Yoshi.
It's been a while... I am, fortunately or not, alive.
Where have I been, what happened? Well...Let's start from the beginning.
(If you just wanna know what's gonna happen next without explanation why, go to the last paragraph)
A few years ago(man, does that sentence sound surreal to write) my life suddenly started falling apart. My beloved pet passed away after sickness. Then soon after a family member got ill and I had to take care of them and their many pets while being already drained. Lockdown. More family members getting sick, now with covid. My laptop died, taking a lot of data with it. I myself got sick and diagnosed with anemia on top of it. By that point my mental health was spiraling down out of control. Gradually I lost contact with pretty much everyone, including close friends, completely secluding myself in a very dark place. I didn't live anymore, I existed. Spending all the scraps of energy that remained simply to keep myself alive. After a while my physical health improved, but my mental state was at all time low. I had to block windows, just in case, cause I couldn't trust myself and the thoughts that were going on in my head were terrifying. The only thing I kept telling myself was "One more day. Hold on just one more day. It will get better".
Days turned into weeks, weeks into months... The unread messages from friends, the unfinished commissions, unfulfilled promises. All of it keeping my mind in a constant panic, guilt and shame. I knew I needed to come back. To at least tell everyone what's going on. But my mind kept telling me I can't come back empty-handed. Gone for so long and returning with nothing? What a failure of a human. I tried to work on things, but just picking up pen and tablet would send me into a panic attack. I was trying to wait it out, hoping things would get easier at some point and the panic would dissipate...but, obviously it was only getting worse. Especially every time I looked at the calendar as days seemed to rush by. Time both moved lightning fast and stood still.
Somehow, all this time I felt like it's simply a problem of my poor character and not the depression getting a tight grip on my brain. I suppose I just...felt like I had to push through, just like I was told many times by family(that doesn't believe in mental health). I felt like the doctor would just dismiss me if I showed up and explained myself, digging me deeper into the cage of shame. But after a long time I finally got an appointment in secret, because I felt like I either give it a try or won't survive. And, of course, was diagnosed with depression and a few other unfun things. I got prescribed antidepressants. The pills of course didn't cure me, but at least the scary thoughts of ending everything stopped and I got back to a few people. Quite some time passed since then. I'm still pretty unwell and aren't able to get into therapy but I'm a bit better, considering I'm writing this. I'm trying to get out of this dark place and to at least finish what I had to long time ago.
So to everyone, I'm sorry. I know I should've came back years ago when things only started to get out of control. But unfortunately I didn't. Which made everything worse. I'll try my best to slowly finish all the pending commissions. If you had one - please leave me a message, in case I lost it with my laptop data and we'll try to work things out. When I finish it you can ask me for art of the same quality with any char/chars for free, as my apology for the trouble. Also, since FA's been having problems, just to be safe let me know where else I can keep contact with you, be that Discord/Telegram or WhatsApp.
I hope you're all keeping well and I'll see you again soon!
Yoshi.
My health wasn't the only problem, but it was the catalyst and would take too long to explain the things I thought would be helpful to you. I hardly ate and slept about 16+ hours a day. I developed an apathy to living and figured if I went of "natural" causes it would be okay to not be here.
Reading what you've said I see the mantra that kept me here: Fall down seven times, Get up eight.
It means, you won't just pick yourself up when life knocks you down, but the time after that as well, and the time after that, and that.
There is always something you can do if you're here and nothing if you're not. I liked gaming and if that taught me anything is that you try your best to avoid game over.
Eventually, I found myself in a place that did help. It wasn't therapy, but used therapeutic techniques. I don't think it taught me much that I didn't know already, but it reminded me of the things I'd forgotten along the way. Focusing on the things I can control, I can do. Acknowledging that I'm not the same person I was before or during, grieving the loss of people I hadn't, but also the versions of me that I miss because of them and the things happening to me, talking to people about my experiences.
There isn't a cookie cutter solution and things that worked for me, might not work for you. Figuring out what does is something you can do though and I hope you can keep picking yourself up to find out.
Lastly, before I'm late to work.
Something that helped me was breaking things down into bite-sized pieces and reteaching myself some basic psychology over youtube. I always seem to end up coming back to "the hierarchy of needs". It's weird, but if I need a pick me up I come back to this video: https://youtu.be/e5jDspIC4hY?si=eBbAIrO-o-Mz9-8r
Take care of yourself. It will get better if you give yourself time for it to get better.
Я рад тому что ты жива, и что ты вернулась ^__^
Если что не стесняйся, пиши. Коллективно может разруливаться будет проще и эффективнее... х)
А то в шотсах написали, что тебя на войне убили.