As someone who also writes stories and who also feels the depth of his stories don't necessarily match to the masterpieces I admire, I can relate to a lot of what you are expressing. Especially when the works involve macabre themes like Berserk, my stories or (assuming your stories follow the same lines as your art) yours.

It is difficult. And being forced into something you don't enjoy just to get by is even more. I don't have an easy answer. But very often, I find that once I leave "audience expectations" (especially for a non-existent audience in my case) and want to focus on what I want to write and explore, it becomes better. I don't know where I am going with my stories. But I know I reached a point where I just enjoy immersing myself in their worlds, and in their affairs. And in doing so, I seem to also get ideas for more, better developed stories.

I don't want to come at you with platitudes. I can't imagine trying to support yourself financially through your art, especially these days. Just taking that is alone a big task. For what its worth, there is something strangely alluring about your art and it keeps me fascinated.

I guess what I am trying to express is...sometimes we are doing better than we realise given the context we are in.

No worries if you can't find it in yourself to reply or comment.

Thank you so much for sharing that with me and replying.
I see what you mean, and I'm glad you enjoy my art and found a way to enjoy what you create.
But I struggle to find characters / stories and get attached to them. So far not a single one of my characters has survived the test of time. I keep changing my mind, and as I grow up I want to throw away my older characters because I just think they are either cringe, or boring.

And I am stuck in a loop where I want to make good art, but good art takes time and effort, I don't have time anymore because of constantly needing to make adopts and school projects and my back hurts if I stay at the desk for too long; but if I don't make good art, then can I really call myself an artist anymore ? Then I mentally it gets worse and I have even less energy to draw

And then I wonder, do I really deserve to own those characters if I don't even use them ? I just loose connection with them and lose all interest. It's just, annoying

It's all good man. It sounds like you are in a really shit place.

Not getting attached to a story or setting during that can suck, especially when you want to make something out of them. But I don't think that exploration is a waste of time. It can help you explore the thing that do work.

I don't see changing your mind as your grow up as a bad thing. It means you are not stagnating, but evolving and developing ideas. Changing your mind and editing things as you go is part of that. I have so many characters that I had a "yes, this is good" moments with, only for them to not fit because the other evolutions (either of the setting or other characters). But within them, you can still explore cool ideas and concepts. And gradually, you can distill what worked with them into new characters (Or recycled/reformatted versions of old). Unfortunately, losing touch with them happens, but in my experience, those that resonate can make a return, thematically, stylistically or as a new version of the character itself.

To quickly bring it to myself: I have a fursona who is a crux. I always liked their "cracked" image and style, them being kind of animalistic and goblinesque and weird. But I never managed to connect to him and never managed to figure out who he is. And for that, I cringed using him and went on to soft-retire him. But, the ideas and concepts I tried to explore stayed and I worked them into a demon-sona that embodied that goblin energy a lot better than the crux did.

It is a very natural process for an artist to cringe at their old outputs or to feel their older work has not stood the test of time. It doesn't mean there isn't something worthwhile there.

At the moment, it feels like you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself and it is poisoning your enjoyment out of it. Or maybe what was meant to be a hobby has become an obligation (that is what I am reading when you say "constantly needing to make adopts and school projects". Correct me if I am wrong). I think it could be an idea to step back a bit. Try to write freeform, without worry of cringe and audience. Easier said than done, I know (especially as someone who makes their living from art), but I feel like you need to re-discover what you enjoyed about the process. What you are describing is the kind of burnout I've been seeing a lot among artists of late. Imagination is an ephemeral thing, and making regular outputs of it is tricky, especially when you are pressuring yourself. It's like holding an erection, it is just so much easier when you are not overthinking and worried.

But let me tell you, you do deserve those characters. Not because some specialness as an artist or that you use/don't use them, but because they are yours and creations of your mind and your imagination. The way I see, those characters are as you as can be just as mine are as mine as can be.