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Unwanted...
a year ago
I've been trying to feel happiness and fun...and this has been happening recently, about a few times..up and down now.
Looking at the things I've fucked up at..
My jealousy lead me to fuck myself and my friendship with Lukas up..cause me to stay away from him for a year...
Then I destroyed his spirit with that stupid rant I've made and then i deleted it later ...cause my fucking brain doesn't want to keep me sane, it wants me to die mentally...
and trying to draw stuff and I should be grateful...but I don't...I dont know why....something in my brain is telling me I should not be here
...like why am I here?
....what is the point of being here...
I don't belong here....and I'm afraid one day I'm just gonna just leave...no reason, just to know I did all I could ..but it doesn't satisfy me at the end of it all.....
Looking at the things I've fucked up at..
My jealousy lead me to fuck myself and my friendship with Lukas up..cause me to stay away from him for a year...
Then I destroyed his spirit with that stupid rant I've made and then i deleted it later ...cause my fucking brain doesn't want to keep me sane, it wants me to die mentally...
and trying to draw stuff and I should be grateful...but I don't...I dont know why....something in my brain is telling me I should not be here
...like why am I here?
....what is the point of being here...
I don't belong here....and I'm afraid one day I'm just gonna just leave...no reason, just to know I did all I could ..but it doesn't satisfy me at the end of it all.....
look, if you feel you're unwanted, I'm not either. I was accused of art theft, of being a predator about stupid drawings of fictional character, making me feel like I was the new shadman. people are coming old pics I made or comments in youtube just to roast my ass for nothing. if you feel unwanted, I'm not much different than you. and why? bcus I just wanted to be in peace doing my stuff. but wether I'm on my own or doing something or no, someone WILL get bothered by it and disturb my rest. I don't have A MINUTE of mental peace, and now my head is thinking unthinkable stuff.
hell, gluepaw, the artist that made me feel like drawing my own stuff inspired by him, he feels like he's not good enough. imagine me? I lived in his shadow, under the bridge he walked, I wanted to be him. but I am nothing. and all bcus I was trying to be me, doing what I think it was right.
listen... sorry if I ever made... certain things worse for your end there, I didn't mean to, I swear all I want is to help. but I help nobody, and I feel responsible for making a friend of mine giving up of uploading forever. so whatever you think, don't feel bad about that journal. there isn't anything more worthless and unwanted in this damn universe than me.
You're not on it.